There she was…

I was looking forward to being a spy/snoop but hadn’t thought about the hurt I was about to face.

Starting out with his phone, I started going through it when he was in the shower, in the middle of the night, he was outside, basically any chance I got I took it.  I came across lots of messages: “call me back” “miss you” ”can’t wait to see you” ‘thank you for an awesome night” “what are you doing” . Every time I would read a message my stomach would churn.  I would at times get physically ill and cry.  Sometimes I would listen in a hear her voice messages again a lot of “I love you” “where are you” “that was awesome” “waiting for you” “do you want me to grab food”.

The voice messages were much harder to listen to than reading the messages.   There was something about hearing her voice that made it hurt more, maybe it gave my “story” life?

I also hacked into his email and didn’t find much. The heavy content was all via phone.  I was more curious than ever about her!  She seemed so loving on the messages.  This was a real girl and I craved knowing more about her (sick I know).

I was so confused with myself. This woman was the root of my hurt yet I was so mesmerized with her. Sounds crazy but I couldn’t get enough of her.  I wanted to know everything about her and him as a couple and about her as a woman.  I kept digging and day in and day out I would listen to their back and forth.

I never let on to Raj that I was listening in or reading their messages.  I knew if I confronted him, he would stop them and I would lose any sort of information I had on their whereabouts.  I kept quietly hurting, all by myself.

The pain I felt of betrayal made me want to know more about her. Who is she really and what was she all about?  I had figured out what her job was through the messages, all I had to do was do more research and find her.  My new focus became, tracking her down in person.  I had listened and read enough messages, I had  questions now.

I wanted to ask her why she was continuing a relationship with him. I wanted to ask her all sorts of questions.  I just wanted to know her.   Why?  I’m not sure.  Most of all I wanted to know why she would do this to another woman.

So I dug and dug and eventually I found her. I was able to figure out where she worked and what time.  Hatching a plan with my sister I decided to show up at her workplace.  I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say to her or how to even approach her but I knew I had to do it for my sanity.

The very next day, I hopped into my sister’s car and before I knew it I was outside of where she worked.  She didn’t notice me standing there staring at her.  My sister had to pull me aside and told me stop being so creepy.

She was pretty, not a huge build, short and petite.  Curly hair and seemed very mature.  All in all she looked like an average women.  I hadn’t really examined her like this the day of the lunch, at that time I didn’t know what to look for!  This time I was looking for the love of my husbands life within her.  I stood there for awhile and took her in with my eyes.  We were opposite in looks, she seemed friendly (so was I), energetic (so was I), smart (so was I).  What did she have that I didn’t?  The only way to find out was to go and talk to her.

Nervously, I walked up to her and asked her, ” Are you Jas?”

She looked at me intently, “Yes I am, are you Raj’s wife?”

“Yes I am and I think we need to talk.”

“Okay, can you come back in half hour, I’ll take my lunch and we can talk.”

“Sounds good, see you in half hour.”  I couldn’t believe it!  I had found her and I was actually going to get a chance to ask her questions that were bothering me.  I’m surprised that the feeling of wanting to rip her hair out didn’t come alive while standing in front of her.

The half hour wait was very nerve wracking.  I was trying to cue up all my questions so I could maximize my time with her.  I was 20 and was going to take on my husbands girlfriend who was 9-10 years my senior!!!  (Bring out the jello, bikinis and swimming pool)  This was going to be interesting…

-Venya♥

Finding Answers

What was so special about her that he loved her so much and he treated me like crap? Actually, better question was, what was she lacking that he didn’t marry her but married me instead.  Without even digging, I knew I was wife material.

Me:

I loved family, ALL of it. I was resilient and I let a lot of things slide because, “ life was too short”.  I actually liked to cook and clean for everyone (I still do J ).  I was very much a domesticated creature yet I loved being social and could have all sorts of conversations with random strangers.  I guess am adaptable, personable, loving, caring and most of the time I put others needs before my own.  He recognized these traits in me before I knew they existed.  I have learned this about myself through my journey about who I really am.   I would give a stranger the shirt off my back if I needed to.  I did lots of volunteer work and loved spending time with orphans and the less fortunate.  I feed and LOVE the entire neighborhood; I will take care of anyone blindly if it’s required.  Through our few conversations on the phone, he knew all of this about me and I feel he took advantage of a “nice” girl to please his family.  I was the girl next door with love in her heart and a smile that matched her outlook for this world.   

I starting searching for answers about her and boy did I find!   I started out by asking his brother, Sunny, about information about their relationship and boy did he tell!  He let me know that she was a huge part of their family.  She came over for all the holidays and celebrations and was a part of the family.  She even attended some weddings with the family as Raj’s girlfriend.  He shared many stories about her leading me to the conclusion she was accepted whole heartedly by the parents.

Her:

Then I moved onto the girlfriends and wives of his friends and again, if you ask you shall receive!!! I heard a lot about her.  She was nice but somewhat inappropriate at times.  I was told her nickname by the other girls was “cleavage”.  Apparently when everyone went out together no one wanted to hang out with her as she was rude and obnoxious when she was drunk.  She was nice to the girls but the girls say they didn’t really like her personality as she was the “partying type.”  Some said they dreaded her arrival because they never knew what to expect of her, she was  a wild card.  Not a single girl from “the group” said they really liked being with her or if she was even good for Raj.  One girl did say her mother in law had received a call from Raj’s mom asking for help in breaking up their relationship, hmmm… 

My research found that she was a party girl who liked to drink, helped herself to drugs and dressed in skimpy clothes. It seemed that Raj followed her around like a lost puppy and was committed to being with her despite the advice of his friends gave him to dump her.  She may have been the lost girl and Raj was going to “fix” her?

Nobody really said anything positive her. In contrast when I would be talking to my sources, they would compare her and I say that I was a god send in comparison.  Once girl confessed how confused she was at the engagement when she saw me instead of her.  She thought maybe she wasn’t remembering the other girl right.  She said a few of the girls were whispering at the wedding ceremony about the bride mix up.  Clearly they were expecting her and not me to walk down the aisle!  At the reception the girls openly talked with their partners and the guys said they weren’t interfering with Raj’s life.  They didn’t want to get involved in what he was doing to whom and advised the ladies to do the same.

I had heard enough I needed to hear from people time to move onto my next assignment, breaking into his email and phones…

-Venya♥

Therapy in Writing?

I posted yesterday and am compelled to write again today to release my frustrations.  Writing has been very therapeutic for me over the course of the years.   I wrote yesterday in regards to the abuse that I endured from my husband which took me back to a place that I would rather forget.

I wrote about him slapping me, choking me and then spitting on my face out of frustration.  He married me while living with another woman, what gave him the right to be so frustrated with me???  After I hit publish on my post, all day I could feel the spit on my face and in my hair as if it just happened to me.  I went to a very sad part in my life where I was hopeless and no one was there to lend me a helping hand or even say, I’m with you.  20 years old and I was dying inside…

Later in the evening I had a bit of an emotional breakdown and it was due to me reliving what I had gone through in the past.   I don’t want to say it’s easier to forget my journey but wouldn’t it be?  During some TV time with my daughter, I burst into tears thinking about what I have been through and what I have done without, love that it is.  My young daughter consoled me and told me it would be okay.  I believe her but I would still like to know why MY journey has been full of so many obstacles?

Why is okay for one human to treat another human so badly.  I would never hurt ANYONE not even my enemies, so why did he and his family treat me like I was a horrible person?

Why were, and still are, my parents so afraid of what society will say?

Why did they not have the courage to say, our daughter is a good person and deserves better rather than turning a blind eye to everything.

How come my husband and his family didn’t see anything wrong with me being black and blue?

What goes on in someone’s head where they can justify beating someone to a pulp?

Why do they not feel bad for causing so much pain and anxiety to another person?

I gave birth to his 2 children, slaved away for him and his family, lost my own self finding them.  How come I am still not good enough?  I am the one left with all these traumatic experiences in my head and they seem to living a happy life, how is this fair?  I am the one who freaks out in my sleep, doesn’t like to be alone with men, doesn’t feel safe, am hyper vigilant for my kids, has nightmares with my eyes wide open, can feel every ounce of pain in the last decades and they continue on as if nothing has ever happened???  I am I that broken by these people who have no remorse or feelings towards my life in general?  Why the fuck am I still the one suffering when I haven’t done anything to deserve this treatment???

I feel hurt, betrayed, wronged, sad, angry, unhappy and just broken!  Do they ever feel responsible or is it just me being delusional?    There are so many questions that I NEED answers for!  Can someone, anyone answer them for me?  Why did I get treated so badly and was made to feel guilty for not liking my circumstances?!? WHY ME?

-Venya

3 months?

For the next little while, the days came and went and I’ve been trying to remember them but all seems to be a blur. He would go out with the love his life and return at his leisure.  Meanwhile I would be playing house with his immediate and extended family.  In my own way I had started covering up his lies for him.  When someone would ask where is Raj was, he parents always said “work”.  Soon I started saying the same.  When asked where my husband was, I would reply work.  If it was unusually late, I would say “probably out with his colleagues for an after work drink”.

I became a sad little liar for him! I hated my life… I hated the fact that he wasn’t being held accountable by anyone for his infidelities.  I hated that he was getting away with being a complete asshole and I was helping him treat me badly.  What was wrong with me???  NO ONE in that house questioned him, EVER!  I still hadn’t told my parents what was going on, I was hoping it would all stop.  Even if I had told him, what could they really do?  I already knew I was allowed back home.

To take my mind off things, I had asked him if I could attend post secondary and he said no.  He needed me to stay home and get to know his family and be helpful to them.  Then I had asked about working, again the idea was rejected.  He told me not to work or attend school for at least a year.  Try to fit in with my family instead of running around.  I’m pretty sure this was a way to keep control over me at the time.  Limit my interactions with people and keep me locked up in the house.  My fault was, I listened to him and his family.  I didn’t work or pursue my education until a year later.  I started working against his and his family wishes, but I’m grateful that I did!

Instead of focusing on setting their son straight his parents (mostly the mom) would treat me badly over the pettiest things. She picked me apart day and night, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I was too dark, too ugly, too curvy, too stupid, the list never stopped, in fact it still hasn’t really stopped.  I was so exhausted and hurt I didn’t know what to do with myself.  All I knew to do was cry, so I did.  I actually never talked about  Raj’s actions to his parents until a decade after my marriage, I never even mentioned the other woman to them.  I knew if I said anything negative to them about their son, they would somehow twist the truth around and blame me for all of this nonsense.  My MIL often blamed me for her son not being around the house more.  She would lash out at me over laundry and cleaning or whatever else was the flavour of the day.  In hindsight, I think she attacked me like that to never give me the opportunity to talk.  Instead she flooded me with so many other “issues” and put fear into me that I could never be the cause of more upheaval.  Just for a little perspective, I don’t even think at this point I was married for 3 months.

There was a day when my emotions were running high and I decided to question Raj again. He had come home on time from work and was stopping in to change before heading out again.  I had had a rough day with his family and didn’t want to be left behind again, alone and fending for myself.  As he was about to leave, I started asking questions without waiting for him to respond.  “Where you going?”  “Who are you going with?” “When will you be back?”  “Why are you and your family doing this to me?”  “Why don’t you ever take me with you?”

I guess the emotions ran a little high for him as well and he did what he did best, he got physically abusive with me.

He slapped me across the face, telling me to stop yelling at him. At that moment, I remember swearing at him and him being enraged because I was talking back.  Then he grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against the wall, I hit my head so hard against the wall I thought I was going to pass out.  As my neck was in his grip, I asked him, “Do you do this to her to?  Do you hit her like this?  Do you swear and abuse her like this?  Does she like being hit by you?”

He answered, “Maybe I do this maybe I don’t. She gets whatever she deserves as you get whatever you deserve.  If she is a fucking bitch she will get treated like one, just like if you’re a cunt, you’ll get treated like one!”  He was raging mad, his words hitting my face like a sledgehammer.

“Of course you don’t hit her and abuse her, she wouldn’t stay with you! If you love her so much why did you marry me and not her?   You married me to leave me your family.  What have I ever done to be treated like this by you and your family?”  Tears streaming down my face all the while making sure I kept breathing.

At some point he let go of my neck, the yelling match stopped between us and his final gesture towards me, HE SPIT IN MY FACE! He left and didn’t return that night.

While I was curled up on my bed, alone in my room, I cried and wondered out loud why no one in the house came to my rescue. Everyone was home, how come they weren’t curious enough to know what the shouting was all about.  The back of my head grew a goose egg and my head was pounding.  My thoughts kept going to him and her.  What was so great about her that I couldn’t compete with?  Maybe she was that great that he couldn’t give her up for me.  I went to sleep like usual, crying and asking myself, why me?

Mom, Dad please help me, I’m literally all alone! No one likes me here!  They treat me like a servant and the dirt beneath their feet!   Why would you do this to me, why did you throw me to the wolves?  I promise to be a good girl, I will do whatever it takes to keep you happy so you don’t give me up again.  Do you know they violently hurt me?  Do you know they berate me all the time?  Mommy they say you’ve taught me nothing, I am no good as a daughter in law.  Daddy do you know they say I’m fat and ugly all the time?  Do you know when he hits me, it really hurts?  Why can’t I just keep living with you?  I’m only 20 and I’ve never been in this kind of environment before!  Mommy, Daddy, Nanaji, Massiji, neighbours – ANYBODY!  Please take me out of here, I don’t like these feelings of hurt and hopelessness.  I never meant to hurt anyone if I did, you all know me.  I love everyone, I wouldn’t hurt a fly so why does he keep hitting me and why does his family let it happen?!?!?  Mom Dad do you see the bruises around my neck, will I be able to swallow?  How about the goose egg on my head, will you ice it?  Can you trace his fingers on my cheeks, it hurts to touch?  How did I end up like this?   You told me that you do everything for my good and my safety; I’m not safe here…

Again, I’m choking back tears as writing this.  It’s so tough to go back in time and relive all the moments. I feel like going back in time and pretending to be my own mom and rescuing myself!  How could humans do this to other humans?  My 20 year self just wanted to go back home but wasn’t allowed too.

Before I had fallen asleep I made myself a promise, I was going to find out more about her!

I woke up the next morning with a purpose and started getting into detective mode. I wanted to know about her, the only way I was going to find out was if I started digging so I did…

-Venya♥

Was it necessary?

He looked at me square in the eye and slapped me right across the face. What the fuck had just happened!?!?!  Did he just slap me because I was initiating sex with him???  I was so embarrassed and horrified!

I remember cupping my cheek with my hand with tears streaming down my face.  Is this what happens after marriage when one person isn’t interested in sex???  They hit each other?   Are we not supposed use words to say no?  Did this happen to all the girls?  Why was he so angry with me, all I tried to do is make my husband happy by offering myself to him.  Did he treat the other girl like this too?  Did he hit her too when he didn’t like something about her? My dad had promised me he was a good guy from a great family who would take care of me!!!

My head was spinning with so many questions but mostly I was scared of him.   There I was, in my silk turquoise negligée crying and quivering with shock, that’s not what I had expected when I was getting dressed for him. All I could do is stare at him or at the bed and cry, still no words were coming out of my mouth. Why did he have to slap me so hard?!?!? What did I do that was so wrong that he slapped me like that? My dad hadn’t even slapped me like that in my entire life! No one had EVER hit me like that! WHY?!?!

As I was writing this I just took a moment and stared at my keyboard while taking myself back to that moment. Run Venya run is what I’m presently thinking. No young woman deserved to be treated like that especially since she was turning a blind eye to all that was going on. His mom was a mother in law from hell, he was in love with another woman, his brother and dad pretending to nothing was going on in the house. He should have treated me like a queen for what I was putting up with thus far. Where does any man get the courage to hit a woman like that? Why do they think it’s okay to not only treat them badly emotionally but hurt them physically all the while they are the ones who are making ALL the mistakes?

Finally he broke the silence. “See what you made me do? I didn’t want to hit you but you forced me to! I’m not paying attention to you because I don’t want sex right now! What part of that did you not understand??? I have been ignoring you the whole time! Why are you crying now? You wanted a reaction, you got it! I fucking told you to stop and you didn’t you continued to press my buttons, you happy now??? Let me guess, I’m a bad person because you don’t get it when you’re not wanted?

I had nothing to say or do. I got up out of the bed that my parents had gifted me for my prosperous matrimony and had a good cry in the bathroom.   I washed my face to freshen up, looked in the mirror, I saw this ugly girl who couldn’t do anything right so far in her marriage. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot, my face sad and deranged with continuous tears still spilling out. This girl I was staring at had done nothing but create enemies and problems within her new family. She was so stupid! Why couldn’t her mother in law and husband get along with her ? Why, because she was stupid, clueless and didn’t know how to fit in anywhere. Maybe if she tried harder, things would get better for her. I went back to the bedroom, climbed into bed with my back to him and tried to fall asleep but couldn’t. My parents always had said not to go sleep mad, I wasn’t used to these sorts of awful good nights. My dad came into my room EVERY night and gave me a good night kiss. That kiss was replaced by my husband with a slap.

With my back turned to him I said, “I’m sorry, I was just trying to make you happy. I’m really very sorry.” I got no response from him, at some point I fell asleep thinking I how much I hate this marriage thing. Tomorrow will be a new day and of course I wasn’t about to tell anyone, this hit was especially embarrassing, it was over sex!

depositphotos_41437241-stock-photo-woman-shouting-and-crying-in.jpg

Present day thoughts:

So let me get this right, I try to be intimate with my legal husband and he slaps me across the face to let me know he’s not interested, umm okay. On top of that he is blaming me for pushing him into hitting me?

Can you say ASSHOLE!?!?!?

He justified himself for treating me badly that night because, ‘he didn’t want to.’ Why didn’t he do that outside the house to other men who could fight for themselves ‘when he didn’t want to’ do whatever it was? Because its’ easier to pick on a girl who is naïve, gullible, 20, programmed to be a sheltered pleaser, and just young in general.

My whole life my parents had promised that marriage was some beautiful thing between two people. (My cheek can still feel the burn from Raj). I had imagined that I would marry a man who would want me and we would have endless sex and wake up with huge smiles. Growing up they constantly forbade me to be involved sexually with men, to save myself for the one. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to their advice!

Pre marriage sexual encounters gave me a sense of what’s right and wrong in bed. It gave me a comparison to what was good or bad. It gave me experiences with sex, good and bad. I think everyone should have sex with others before they get married especially if they are opting for an arranged marriage. If you choose an arranged marriage do you expect your sex life will be perfect, what if he’s a closet gay and marries you to cover up his sexual preference or impotent, or doesn’t know what to do with it, low stamina, deformed, STI’s ANYTHING could be wrong and then you’ve saved yourself for what?

What if you ‘save yourself’ and then end up with a dud? You have to live in celibacy or start to cheat on your spouse? We are humans; it’s natural for us to want to have sex. It’s not a dirty thing; it’s beautiful when with the right people. This is how we pro create; this is how the world keeps evolving, through sex. I think girls should have safe sex responsibly should they please to do so.

After marriage (mostly arranged marriage) there is no guarantee that ‘everything is going to be great’.   Hadn’t I had my experiences, I would have thought that sex was ugly, gross or violent. It’s none of that.

dude-masturbates-hearing-his-roommate-have-sex-980x457-1481546856_980x457.jpg

-Venya ♥

The night of the silk turquoise negligée

I picked the prettiest silk turquoise negligée, put it on and entered the bedroom. I stood in the doorway just for a minute to see if I could capture his attention without saying word.  It didn’t work.  How could it not have worked?  I was freshly showered with coconut lotion all over my caramel skinned body, a scent strong enough to catch anyone’s attention.  My strong long legs were smooth as a baby’s bottom, with my hair tousled over my shoulders.  The lip glossed tasted like passion fruit paired perfectly with smoky eyes, which could resist?  The negligée formed to my body perfectly, outlining every single curve.   I could feel my nipples rubbing against the silk; I was aroused by the sensations. I wasn’t getting the welcome I thought I would get so I brought attention to me.

“Um, excuse me. Could you listen to what I have to say?”  He looked up and didn’t say a single word.  His eyes did all the talking, I saw him devouring my body with his eyes, perfect!  I turned around slowly and closed the door behind me letting him get a look at my back side.  I wanted him to take in the curves of my perfectly shaped ass and salivate just thinking about grabbing me around the waist from behind.  With my back still turned to him I looked down at the ground, exposing the nape of my neck.  I knew he loved seeing me exposed yet covered with next to nothing on my body.  “Are you just going to stand there with your back to me or you going to come to me?” I could hear the excitement in his voice.  “Your choice, you could either come to me or I can join you on the bed?”

Without answering me, he gets out of bed and presses up against me. He starts to kiss the back of my neck while holding on to my bare shoulders. I can feel the pressure building up from him on my back side.  I was already feeling very sexy and now I was starting to get ready for him between my legs.   His kisses started to trail down my body from behind with his hands parallel to his mouth.   He stops and pays extra attention to my lower back; he knows I’m super sensitive there.  I start to squirm in pleasure under his strong willing hands, waiting him to move on to the next part of me.  He grabs me by the hips and outlines my curves with roaming his hands.  Through my negligée he’s gently biting my back side while his hands have slipped under it, it’s driving me wild.   Throwing my head back, I hug the wall while feeling him pull my negligée up around my hips.  He starts to ravage my back side with his mouth, his mouth, tongue and gentle teeth are driving my senses in to over drive.  Standing on his knees he buries his face into my area, as though he couldn’t get deep enough he bend me over.  I love it when he devours me like a hungry animal!  My backside is no longer sufficient for him; he flips me over, still standing up against the wall.  Throwing one of my legs over his shoulder he goes down and eats me like he hasn’t had a meal in days.  His intensity for my pussy makes me want it even more.  Loosing myself in the sensation between my legs I moan and groan as he hits every nerve perfectly.  My head rested against the wall, arched back and his head in place with my hand, not wanting him to move an inch.

a1b3d3ee535ca7534bf02ec4405ecc98--blue-lingerie-sexy-lingerie.jpg

I touch myself how I would want him to touch me, feeling my nipples under my hand. At this point I wish there were 2 men servicing my every need.  One man to be attentive to my hot wet pussy, the other kissing me wildly while I hang on to him as he touches me in all the right places, the 2 driving me to insanity. For now I will take this and enjoy it to its full potential, thoughts of a threesome continue in my head making me crazy for love.  Before I know what’s happening, I comes so hard, it exhaust me, my pussy throbbing with ecstasy at its lips.  He looks up at me, I can see my leftovers on his face, and I pull him up to me.  My musky scent is all over his face; I breathe it in and devour his lips laced with me.  My own scent is getting me aroused again, so much so I push him onto the bed and straddle him.  Through my turquoise negligée he feels my breasts, he sits up and playfully bites them through the silk.  I want more, I take it off and let him touch, bite and suck me as he pleases enjoying every touch.  He grabs my hair, pulls my head back biting my neck and breasts.  At the same time he’s slipped himself into me, I gently rock on top of him trying to get the most pleasure I can from this man.  He continues to kiss my passionately all over while I grind on top of him, I can feel myself coming again.  Already?!?!  His manhood was about to erupt as well, I could feel his hurried thrusts and the pulses within me got stronger.  He let out a sigh and before you knew it we were both done.  I stayed on top of him, intertwined, my legs around his back as he sat up, head on his shoulders with my arms wrapped around his neck.  We leaned into each other for support and I gently rocked on top as was still feeling the aftermath of the sex.  What a feeling to feel so wanted by a man and for him to devour every piece of me!  Out of this world!  Kissing with warmth and love we untangled ourselves from our sweaty bodies to underneath the sheets. I guess we both got what we wanted, thank you turquoise negligée!

Now back to reality, I got dressed in the silk turquoise negligée and slipped into bed beside him. This was a big risk, after all he wasn’t really mine, although I did have a piece of paper indicating he was my husband.  I tried to get his attention; he wouldn’t even really look at me.  I persistently but playfully tried to get him to interact with me.  He was too busy with his magazine and phone; there was no room for me.  My playfulness turned into hurt feelings.  My head was going crazy, was I really that ugly and unattractive?  If so then how come everywhere I went I got compliments?  If so, how come I had a mile long wedding proposals?  If so, they why had I always heard that I was the prettiest in the family?  If so why did people look and me and say I had all the right looks???  What was wrong with me?!?!?  I started to ask him what’s wrong with me, he said nothing. I sat up in bed and asked why he was ignoring me, his response was nothing.  I kept asking why he was doing this to me, I was too young at 20 to have this sort of treatment in the bedroom.

He looked at me square in the eyes and slapped me right across the face.

 

-Venya♥

I’m Trying!!!

Continuing to pretend that everything was great to world was my first acting gig for the world. Days and nights passed for the next few months in a blur.  I became an actress overnight without any formal training or lessons!!!  He went on with his routine of work, home and then play and my routine was:  home, home and home.  I had unofficially taken over all the household chores from his mom.  In some ways this was good, the chores kept me busy and distracted to how my life had unfolded.  Cooking cleaning and laundry kept me so busy, time flew by.  My in law are vegetarians, this means they will only eat vegetarian Indian food.  My lovely husband will NOT eat vegetarian food, a true meat eater.  My brother in law is a vegetarian but will NOT eat Indian food.  Do you see a little bit of conflict in cooking here???  I was literally making up to 4-6 dishes a day in hopes of meeting everyone’s needs to keep them happy.  This meant that after every session there was a sink full of dishes to do, yes, no one helped me.

Best-Indian-Food-in-Austin-1024x585.png

Most weekends there was company over at the house, they were my responsibility. Just to clarify I LOVED and still love having company over.  I enjoyed cooking for them and cleaning up after them.  I’m a natural nurturer so this was second nature to me.  What I didn’t like was when my mother in law would sit with the guests and criticize me indirectly and at times directly.  “This is too spicy, too much salt, left raw, roti is not round etc. “I would pretend I didn’t hear and keep going trying to please the guests.  Her words stung me every time because I was trying so hard to “be good” and she wouldn’t even TRY to notice my efforts.

I was making my father and brother in law happy in many ways. I would cook whatever they would ask of me.  I hung out with Sunny and we became buddies, actually good friends.  We would go for ice cream, walks around the neighborhood, shopping at the malls and do what normal 20 year old friends did together.  At times we would see the latest movies at home or at the theatres, what I enjoyed the most was our talks.  He told me many truths about his family that Raj nor his parents ever spoke to me about.  Raj’s dad was so easy to win over.  When he would come home from work, his cold glass of liquid was handed to him as he entered the house.  I would take his bag from him and unpack it.  As he would settle on the couch I would teasingly ask him questions about work, he really enjoyed the time, I knew he did.  Some days I would braid his next to nothing hair, give him facials, and even massage lotions on him.  I treated him as I had treated my own dad growing up, like a little girls daddy, my go to guy.  I would even clip his nails, pick out his outfits, tell him what to do and basically I started becoming his daughter.  I really truly feel like he took me as the daughter he wanted and needed but never had.   Every time he would see me he had the biggest smile on his face, and was so nice to me!  He would even brag to his friends and relatives about how lucky they were to have me in the family.  He would go on about my personality, cooking skills and most of all he would say, “she is good for our son”.  My mother in law was never pleased when he would brag about me, I could feel and see the scowl on her face, I tried to ignore it.

31066845-father-and-adult-daughter-having-family-meal-at-table.jpg

I was accepted by his dad and brother but yet to be accepted by Raj himself. I made many attempts to get him to pay attention to me but I couldn’t get very far.  We were friends and had sex whenever we felt like it, nothing really more than that.  I was very sad, upset and extremely jealous of the other woman.  I would sit there for hours to figure out how I could win him over, what did she had that I didn’t have.  What could I become that would be enticing to him?  How could I please him enough that he would become mine?  At my tender age of 20, with no real life experience or real relationships prior to this, I thought food and sex.   I was already cooking up storms, trying new recipes, using mom’s recipes and really outdoing myself with the variety (wish someone would cook for me like that these days!!!).  We could have used some help in the bedroom.

I have always been a fan of great sex and the many experiences that come along with it. Yes it’s true,  Venya is a very sexual person. I enjoy sex and some days can’t get enough of it!  Sex for me was always been a real pleasure but it hadn’t been that pleasurable because of Raj.  Some nights I would throw myself at him and if he felt like it, he took the bait.  Other times he would reject me and send me in an emotional downward spiral.  We really didn’t really have much of a relationship so when you get rejected sexually it’s very heartbreaking.  Those were the can I do anything right moments.   I decided to take matters to the next level in the bedroom.  I went on a bit of a shopping spree for more lingerie ( already had plenty).  I picked out some pieces that I thought he would appreciate.  I was so proud of myself for shopping to please my husband; with hope in my heart I bought everything I thought would help us. Can money buy happiness??? After I got the bags past customs, my mother in law inspected everything I bought, I stashed it away waiting for the perfect moment.   That perfect moment came one night.  He had come home straight after work, had dinner with me and the family and seemed to be staying in.  So, I picked the prettiest silk turquoise negligée, put it on and entered the bedroom.

-Venya♥

 

First hit, the abusive kind…

That first slap across the face opened the door to many many more. Looking back, my biggest mistake was not calling the police the moment it occurred.  I should have screamed as loud as I could, hit him back, yelled for help and created such a scene that he would have been afraid to look at me again, but I didn’t. I was in disbelief that a man would hit a woman like that.  I grew up in a home where the husband never touched the woman in a negative manner.  I remember my parents hugging, my mom playing with my dad’s hair, my dad teasingly pinching my mom.  I had never witnessed, or knew anything about domestic abuse in a marriage.  My siblings and I were punished with slaps, Punjabi chittars, wooden spoons, etc,  but there had never been any sort of physical violence that I had ever seen in my house.  I don’t even remember my parents fighting until I got married.  My parents had talked about other families where domestic abuse was an issue, it wasn’t an issue in ours.  We grew up on “getting the beats” from our parents which I feel shaped us kids into good respectful adults who have respect for our elders.  Thanks mom and dad for beating us onto the right path???  I’m not against spanking as a parent depending in the circumstances (kid’s age, what they did).  But, I can never be FOR hitting another grown adult.  Nothing warrants a man hitting a woman or a woman hitting a man.

I think because I hadn’t been a part of such an ugly household I didn’t know how to react to the slap other than cry. I didn’t tell anyone about it, I kept quiet but I thought about it all the time.  Had a done something so bad that he had to hit me?  He was the one out with his girlfriend and I was being punished physically for asking about his whereabouts?  I was at home with his family cooking, cleaning, entertaining and he was okay slapping me because I wanted to know where my husband was?   Who was I to tell?  I couldn’t tell anyone,  I was so ashamed that I had been slapped by my HUSBAND.  Growing up in a western country I had never thought that I would be a statistic for domestic abuse one day and here I am, a stat.  What would my friends and family think of me?  I was supposed to be the successful one out of the bunch with the perfect life!  Where were the dreams of happiness that everyone had seen for me and made me believe?  I was only 20 years trying to figure out my place in the house, but more importantly in his heart and life they answered in the form of abuse.  I learned there was no space for me in their house or hearts.  My dreams shattered that night.

I continued on the next day as if nothing happened. Made no mention of the slap to his parents or mine, in fact I told no one.  I was so lonely and confused inside, all I could do is cry.  I called my mom and told her how much I missed her and my life before marriage.  She consoled me, letting me know marriage was a period of adjustment, it was going to take time but one day I will be so busy with life I won’t have time to cry.   I then called my sister, told her I was feeling sad and lonely and asked her to visit me.  She did come over within a few hours.  I remember us talking about living with strangers and having a husband who is actually someone else’s boyfriend.  We talked, she listened and I cried.  This was my best friend, I didn’t even tell her what had happened, and maybe a part of me believed that was the only time it was going to happen.  Her and I had plotted together our whole life, had secrets, successes and I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her.  I trusted her the most, at this moment I didn’t trust my own feelings.  I felt so violated and humiliated because of that one slap.

 

In the few months of marriage I had started to resent being born altogether. Many lonely evening/nights I would talk out loud to myself.  Why did I have to be born as a girl into a home where boys were preferred? Why did I have to struggle being a girl.  I knew I outshone my brother in everything but daily I was reminded that I was just a girl.  God, why was I such a strong girl if you only wanted me to have an insecurity being a girl?  I went from one type of struggle to another, all because I was a female??? I was then married into a family where being a daughter in law or wife meant you didn’t belong in the family.  It meant you were there to be used and abused.  I hated my gender and on top of it, being an INDIAN girl made it worse.  I tried so hard at everything in life!  I excelled in school, was a good kid, awesome role model for the young ones, loved my family, smiled all time, understood people, did what was right (almost always) and domesticated but why was I continually punished being a girl?  What had I done so bad in my 20 years that I was thrown into this marriage?  To this day I’m not sure why it’s been like this for me but it has given me the strength not to let this happen to my daughter or any other girl if I can help it.

-Venya♥

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry – Venyas Rose

I Think Of You In Silence
I Often Speak Your Name
All I Have Left Are Memories
And A Heart Around Your Name
My Heart Aches With Sadness
And All My Tears Will Flow
But What It Meant To Lose You
No-one Will Ever Know

I Can Get A Girl Who
Love Me More Than
You …
But You Will Never Get A
Guy Who Love You More Than Me

To Die In Luv For Someone
Is Not The Big Thing..
To Live With That Pain With
Smile Forever…
Is The Great Real Achievement..!

Heart Is The Greatest Cheater
In This World..
Because
It Makes Thousand Of Different
Excuses To Stay In Touch With
The Person You Love…

Venyas Rose