His wife should be #1, right?

I was now determined to become “the one” in his life. I had to prove to myself, to him and to her that I was woman enough to be his wife.  I also wanted to force his parents to believe that I was a good addition to the family.  I had left my everything to be part of this family only to be rejected? No way! They were going to love me and accept me.

I began shifting my focus on myself rather than her, I started out by mentally preparing myself that I was going to be fighting fire with fire. I also knew that I had the fight of my life coming up as I was competing with my husband’s love.  This was the start of me killing myself to be attractive to him and his family.

I called my sister and told her what I was going to do and she didn’t agree, nor did she disagree. I think she was too young to make a decision with me.  I wish we both had been older so I wouldn’t have destroyed myself trying to make myself attractive to him.

Hmm, but first I had to figure out was wrong with me. I start analyzing myself.   I remember looking in the mirror and thinking there are some adjustments to be made but for the most part I was easy on the eyes.  Yes I have a flirty personality and I’m outgoing, but that’s fixable.  I will start to tone it down with my personality, easy fix!  My smarts, I did maintain good greats throughout my life and I was pretty good at figuring things out, I will become even brighter!  I knew how to cook and clean but there was always room for improvement!  I knew from the praises that my parents sang that I was a pretty good daughter, what possibly could be difficult in being a good daughter in law?  In fact my entire life, at that point, I was the example kid that all the parents used to their own kids, “Why can’ you be like her?”  After a quick self analysis I concluded that I was okay wife material.

In my heart of all hearts I really wanted to be his wife, his #1, his only priority. I had heard being married required work; well I was prepared to put in the work!  My parents were not going to be shamed by me and a marriage that would possibly not work out!

What was the recipe for winning a man’s love? Dress attractively, cook awesome food, be a hooker in the bedroom, have intelligent conversation, and love his family like your own?  Check, check, and check!

good_wife_guide1a.jpgBy nature I was quite adjustable, I had the ability to make everyone my friend, I was smart and actually liked domestic work. What more did a husband want?  I was going to fight for what was rightfully and legally mine

 

I got this I thought, I’m going to kill ‘em with kindness 🙂 Boy was I wrong!

-Venya♥

Burn baby burn

With mixed emotions I went home straight to the bedroom that I shared with him. Who was him anyway?  Was he my husband or was he her boyfriend???  So mad, sad and angry at the world the tears flowed like an overflowing river.  Like every other time, the question of ‘why me’ did loops in my head.  How could he and his family do this to me???  How could they do this to her??? How could they do this to any one???  Had they no respect for women in general or was it a select few?

Her words were repeating themselves in my head like a broken record player; I thought I was going insane! She had said all the clothing he had, she was somehow responsible for it.  I wanted to destroy anything in the closet that she had anything to do with.  I started making a pile on the bed.  Before I knew it was almost all of his belongings, had I lost it?  What to do now, throw it out?  Nope, not good enough for me, it all needed to be destroyed.  I took a pair of scissors and started cutting up ties, shirts, pants and jackets.  It felt good doing it yet I felt so bad taking action like this. As if the destruction with the scissors wasn’t good enough, I took as much as I could carry out to the lawn and I lit it on fire. My head and heart were in turmoil, I didn’t want to be this evil person, but I felt like I had no choice.  I watched everything burn not caring what the neighbors must be thinking.  I was going to make her go away, I was going to stop their relationship.  I had to, I had no other choice.  I wanted to scream and shout, only tears came out.

There was much satisfaction in destroying some of what they had together! I was looking forward to the part where I could boast about my actions to him.

I waited for him to come home after work deliberately leaving his cut up clothing in plain view. His reaction was not what I had anticipated; he was very calm about, almost as if he half expected it.  He did ask me if I felt better in wrecking his stuff.

I answered, “Yes and if there was anything else that I ‘felt’ was connected to her that too would go too.”

I never was completely satisfied because of his lack of reaction. I had thought he would see his stuff tattered and thrown away and we would have an arguing match but, nothing like that happened.

Getting rid of his/her stuff never did take my problems away but it then gave me a chance to rebuild his wardrobe again, but this time with me by his side and not her! I wasn’t giving up on my marriage I had decided, I was going to fight for what was rightfully and legally mine.  Now him and I were going to build EVERYTHING together and she wasn’t going to be a part of anything!

Now the fire was lit within me, did I have it me to overtake his girlfriend?

-Venya♥

LIFES LESSONS

Well there are many of lifes lessons we learn as we grow from children to adults, some of us learn from them and then there the ones who never grow up and keeping making the same mistakes.  In this day and age we seem to spew out more hatred then good intentions, why because it seems to be much more easier than to just be a good human being.  And just because your of a certain age or more mature than someone younger, means nothing when you actually haven’t really lived through some of life’s real struggles whatever that may be, so before anyone goes and judges anyone else maybe first find out what the circumstances are or who the person really is.

Many a time I have run into people or I myself have been caught up in the watercooler gossip, but in the end I realize who am I to judge I am not anybody to judge others. What really matters is to believe there are just geniune people out there who are actually considerate of others and their well being.  That being said, if people are to kind or nice they are considered weak or a flirt or fake and if they are not all smiles or don’t want you in their personal space they may be considered a bitch or a bastard not realizing to respect the others feelings.

I’ve lived a life where i’ve seen the good and bad from people and usually my gut instinct was right about who those people are, sometimes it gets fustrating to try and explain to the people in my life how certain people truly are and what kind of human beings they are and their good hearted intentions towards myself and to others.  Because nowadays its easier to believe the bad rather than the good.

Venyas Keeper

Fill in Moms

For the ladies without kids but loving hearts, this one is for you. These days there is much debate whether a woman should bear children or not.  I have been caught in the cross fire many times and have flip flopped for many years on my stance.  In my 30’s I think I have finally made up my mind as to what is the right thing to do.

Keep in mind I was that girl who used to tell EVERY SINGLE female to have children. I feel kids are amazing, they enhance your life, they give you a purpose etc. but they are like a box of chocolates!   I have stopped preaching to women to become mothers because so many kids have moms that aren’t really there physically and at times, emotionally.

WOMEN, never feel guilty, bad or you’re missing out on something because you don’t have children of your own. Here’s why:

You can be an excellent fill-in mom to a young person whose mom may be absent. (Single mom, sick mom, mom who isn’t enjoying motherhood etc.)

You can fill up the emotional bank for any child as an interactive auntie. So many kids have parents but may not be getting the undivided attention every child craves; you can be that person to fill the void.

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The orphanages are overflowing with children who need homes filled with love; a child doesn’t have to be biologically yours for you to be its world and vice versa.

Too many teenagers are walking around without positive role models, you can scoop up one of them and act as a big sister and really mentor a child into adult life.

Many mothers need a break from normal routine! Childless women can be the one giving a break to their mom friends to recharge. Thank you to my childless friends who help me out with my kids, you have no idea how much it helps me!

Just because you didn’t have children doesn’t mean you’re not a real woman. You most definitely are, you just thought things through before making a decision that cannot be altered.  Children are a huge commitment.  They are demanding physically, emotionally and financially which all bring stress and struggles.   there may or may not be a pay off in the end.  In your old age you still may be alone…or your house may be filled with a huge family.  No one knows the future, only time will tell.

Which is worse: Having a child and not really being a present, caring, involved mom or not having children but nurturing, mentoring and caring for other children who may not have the best circumstances?

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Whatever decision a woman makes, she has to live with it.  We as a society should support her and not make her feel guilty for her choices.   There are too many kids waiting to be loved and cared for, so let’s stop judging each other and help those who need it, the kids, they are the future.

Personally, I love being a mom! In fact, I’m a mom to my 2 plus too many who frequent my house.  This post was prompted because a teenage girl was telling me how her mom is there but never really does anything with her.  Her mom doesn’t talk with her, cook with her or anything really.  According to this young adult her mom is too busy on the phone, cleaning or running errands to pay attention to her.  She told me she wished I was her mom or her mom would be like me.  A few months back another teen girl  told me how her single mom didn’t have time for her and she had no one to talk to but me about “things”.  She knows her mom is working hard for her but wanted her mom to be around instead of working all the time.  She too asked me to adopt her (I have informally!)

After witnessing too many women not really liking the motherhood role and/or not taking care of their children I say, if you don’t want to have kids don’t do it. There are enough kids who need to be loved that are already in this world, just love them.  If you want kids and will take your role as a mom seriously, then do it, there is a real joy in it!  Just remember there are many ups and downs in parenting the same as any other role in our lives.

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Now time for me to go love my babies whether they like it or not!

Venya♥

My husband’s girlfriend

We met outside of her work place. I was nervous as hell and wasn’t sure how this was going to go. She looked nonchalant and confident. I must admit she was pretty and her smile was warm. I don’t quite recall how our conversation started but we spoke for over an hour.

The reason I was there was because, I needed to hear her version of the events and what was going on. So I asked her, are you still seeing Raj? Her answer was yes. I then asked her how could she continue to see him without feeling guilty. Her answer, “Simple, because he was mine before you came into the picture, in fact you are the one that should be letting go not me.”

I hadn’t even thought of it from her point of view until that moment. She was right! He was hers before I came into the picture; he was hers for the last 4 years, I just recently was added to his life. I was brought into his life by his parents and next thing you know, we were married.

She told me their plans for their wedding. Her parents loved him and they were happy to have him as a son in law, they had been devastated by the news of his arranged marriage. She had been devastated because of his arranged marriage. She told me all about birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, weddings etc. that his family had included her in for the last few years. When he had broken the news to her, she too had been shattered to the core. A girl imagines her wedding day, especially if there is a groom in mind, and then to have your dreams stomped is not easy to get over.

Me: “Why did he marry me and not you if you two were so happy together?”

Her: “He didn’t tell you???” She laughs in my face. “I’m not from the right caste!!! His parents didn’t know up until recently that I’m from a different caste then them. Once they figured that part out, I was basically taken out of the equation for their household. They forbade him to see me or continue a relationship with me, hence his arranged marriage to you. I wasn’t good enough for their son or their family anymore because of my caste. We still love each, always will, no one is going to stop us from being together.”

Me: “But if he loves you so much, why did he go through with our marriage? He could have said no, in fact I had asked him to say no so I could have more time being single. I wasn’t quite ready to be married but my dad felt burdened by me so he pushed me out the door.  But, he had insisted on going through with the marriage.”

Her: “I asked him the same thing. He said you were a nice girl, doesn’t seem to mean and feisty exactly Indian wife material. The next arranged girl may not be a nice as you and you were much younger, meaning mouldable. I was super pissed at him, but he told me he wasn’t letting go of me, he was just getting a daughter in law for his parents. You were for the family not him. He promised it would always be him and I and you were going to fill in the daughter in law and wife responsibilities, that’s it. He even told he would have sex with you once in a while, that was not an easy one to swallow but I knew it was inevitable.”

Me: “Could you stop seeing him, so I have a chance in that house. His mom is not very nice and he too is very mean to me. If you were to step aside maybe I can win them over? Do you not understand how hard this is for me? I had no idea that this is what I had signed up for! As a fellow woman please let him go and let me start my marriage with him, I’m stuck as well.”

Her: “I told you the truth at the restaurant, why did you marry him? Maybe you should be the one to walk away? He was mine before you came and will always be mine, no matter what. You knowing he had me decided to carry through with the wedding. How do you think I felt? Do you think it was easy for me?   You took away my place in his family. You took any chance I had of creating a life with him. Now he will continue to visit me here and there but our future has been altered and that’s your fault. We had a our own place, I even told you about it, we had our life planned out! You should be the one to let him go, not me. Maybe you should come over and see our place and then it will make sense to you. He has bought everything in that place for me. He pays the rent for me, we have a bed together, we have anniversaries and birthdays together. He washes MY car, gases it up, and takes ME out for dinner and movies. What does he do for you? Nothing, right? His closet is full of clothes that I either picked with him or bought for him. The colognes are of my choice. We have life together and you have what, a piece of paper?”

Me: “To be honest, I tried to stop the wedding but my parents wouldn’t let me back out of the already planned wedding. To keep the face of the family, I had to go through with it. No part of me wanted to marry him; I was forced to do so by my parents. On top of it, when my parents asked his parents about you, they said I was lying and trying to make their son look bad. My dad wouldn’t listen to me and still won’t let me come home. I really would love to give up my spot as his wife to you but honestly I don’t know how, I’m 20 and unsupported by my parents.  Every time I bring it up my dad swears he’s gong to die of embarrassment.”

We went back and forth in a very civil manner, no hair was pulled or loud voices used. We were both trying to explain our selves to the other while listening. The hour ran out quickly. It was decided that we still had so much more too discussed and exchanged numbers.  I walked away feeling bad for her. She really had planned her life with him; it wasn’t fair to her either as a woman. She was just fighting for what was rightfully hers. I was the one who ruined her marriage to be. I was the roadblock for her. The guilt was washing over me; I had screwed her up without even knowing it.

Why god, why were you putting me through this??? What had I ever done to be in this kind of circumstance? What kind of sick joke was this?  20 years old, naïve, playful and no real life experience, only book smart, loves everyone, would never hurt anyone – not a malicious person at all!

On the ride home I was angry at my parents for making me marry him.  Angry with him for doing this to me.  Angry at his parents for being lying assholes! I was angry at her to for not stopping the marriage. At the same time I was sad for her, felt sorry for my parents for being so backwards but, mostly I was sad for me. In this entire mess why didn’t anyone care or think about me? Why did my parents give me up to this fuck head of a man, throw me to my in laws so they can feast on my soul and then make me the laughing stock of all his friends and family who knew about HER. To this day, I still would like to know why me? I sat in the car with all these thoughts running through my head. I didn’t say much, just repeated the conversation in my head with her like a record player.

She didn’t seem like a bad person, and I’m not a bad person, so how did we end up here in this love triangle??? The rage was igniting within me against Raj, time to create a fire.

-Venya

There she was…

I was looking forward to being a spy/snoop but hadn’t thought about the hurt I was about to face.

Starting out with his phone, I started going through it when he was in the shower, in the middle of the night, he was outside, basically any chance I got I took it.  I came across lots of messages: “call me back” “miss you” ”can’t wait to see you” ‘thank you for an awesome night” “what are you doing” . Every time I would read a message my stomach would churn.  I would at times get physically ill and cry.  Sometimes I would listen in a hear her voice messages again a lot of “I love you” “where are you” “that was awesome” “waiting for you” “do you want me to grab food”.

The voice messages were much harder to listen to than reading the messages.   There was something about hearing her voice that made it hurt more, maybe it gave my “story” life?

I also hacked into his email and didn’t find much. The heavy content was all via phone.  I was more curious than ever about her!  She seemed so loving on the messages.  This was a real girl and I craved knowing more about her (sick I know).

I was so confused with myself. This woman was the root of my hurt yet I was so mesmerized with her. Sounds crazy but I couldn’t get enough of her.  I wanted to know everything about her and him as a couple and about her as a woman.  I kept digging and day in and day out I would listen to their back and forth.

I never let on to Raj that I was listening in or reading their messages.  I knew if I confronted him, he would stop them and I would lose any sort of information I had on their whereabouts.  I kept quietly hurting, all by myself.

The pain I felt of betrayal made me want to know more about her. Who is she really and what was she all about?  I had figured out what her job was through the messages, all I had to do was do more research and find her.  My new focus became, tracking her down in person.  I had listened and read enough messages, I had  questions now.

I wanted to ask her why she was continuing a relationship with him. I wanted to ask her all sorts of questions.  I just wanted to know her.   Why?  I’m not sure.  Most of all I wanted to know why she would do this to another woman.

So I dug and dug and eventually I found her. I was able to figure out where she worked and what time.  Hatching a plan with my sister I decided to show up at her workplace.  I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say to her or how to even approach her but I knew I had to do it for my sanity.

The very next day, I hopped into my sister’s car and before I knew it I was outside of where she worked.  She didn’t notice me standing there staring at her.  My sister had to pull me aside and told me stop being so creepy.

She was pretty, not a huge build, short and petite.  Curly hair and seemed very mature.  All in all she looked like an average women.  I hadn’t really examined her like this the day of the lunch, at that time I didn’t know what to look for!  This time I was looking for the love of my husbands life within her.  I stood there for awhile and took her in with my eyes.  We were opposite in looks, she seemed friendly (so was I), energetic (so was I), smart (so was I).  What did she have that I didn’t?  The only way to find out was to go and talk to her.

Nervously, I walked up to her and asked her, ” Are you Jas?”

She looked at me intently, “Yes I am, are you Raj’s wife?”

“Yes I am and I think we need to talk.”

“Okay, can you come back in half hour, I’ll take my lunch and we can talk.”

“Sounds good, see you in half hour.”  I couldn’t believe it!  I had found her and I was actually going to get a chance to ask her questions that were bothering me.  I’m surprised that the feeling of wanting to rip her hair out didn’t come alive while standing in front of her.

The half hour wait was very nerve wracking.  I was trying to cue up all my questions so I could maximize my time with her.  I was 20 and was going to take on my husbands girlfriend who was 9-10 years my senior!!!  (Bring out the jello, bikinis and swimming pool)  This was going to be interesting…

-Venya♥

Finding Answers

What was so special about her that he loved her so much and he treated me like crap? Actually, better question was, what was she lacking that he didn’t marry her but married me instead.  Without even digging, I knew I was wife material.

Me:

I loved family, ALL of it. I was resilient and I let a lot of things slide because, “ life was too short”.  I actually liked to cook and clean for everyone (I still do J ).  I was very much a domesticated creature yet I loved being social and could have all sorts of conversations with random strangers.  I guess am adaptable, personable, loving, caring and most of the time I put others needs before my own.  He recognized these traits in me before I knew they existed.  I have learned this about myself through my journey about who I really am.   I would give a stranger the shirt off my back if I needed to.  I did lots of volunteer work and loved spending time with orphans and the less fortunate.  I feed and LOVE the entire neighborhood; I will take care of anyone blindly if it’s required.  Through our few conversations on the phone, he knew all of this about me and I feel he took advantage of a “nice” girl to please his family.  I was the girl next door with love in her heart and a smile that matched her outlook for this world.   

I starting searching for answers about her and boy did I find!   I started out by asking his brother, Sunny, about information about their relationship and boy did he tell!  He let me know that she was a huge part of their family.  She came over for all the holidays and celebrations and was a part of the family.  She even attended some weddings with the family as Raj’s girlfriend.  He shared many stories about her leading me to the conclusion she was accepted whole heartedly by the parents.

Her:

Then I moved onto the girlfriends and wives of his friends and again, if you ask you shall receive!!! I heard a lot about her.  She was nice but somewhat inappropriate at times.  I was told her nickname by the other girls was “cleavage”.  Apparently when everyone went out together no one wanted to hang out with her as she was rude and obnoxious when she was drunk.  She was nice to the girls but the girls say they didn’t really like her personality as she was the “partying type.”  Some said they dreaded her arrival because they never knew what to expect of her, she was  a wild card.  Not a single girl from “the group” said they really liked being with her or if she was even good for Raj.  One girl did say her mother in law had received a call from Raj’s mom asking for help in breaking up their relationship, hmmm… 

My research found that she was a party girl who liked to drink, helped herself to drugs and dressed in skimpy clothes. It seemed that Raj followed her around like a lost puppy and was committed to being with her despite the advice of his friends gave him to dump her.  She may have been the lost girl and Raj was going to “fix” her?

Nobody really said anything positive her. In contrast when I would be talking to my sources, they would compare her and I say that I was a god send in comparison.  Once girl confessed how confused she was at the engagement when she saw me instead of her.  She thought maybe she wasn’t remembering the other girl right.  She said a few of the girls were whispering at the wedding ceremony about the bride mix up.  Clearly they were expecting her and not me to walk down the aisle!  At the reception the girls openly talked with their partners and the guys said they weren’t interfering with Raj’s life.  They didn’t want to get involved in what he was doing to whom and advised the ladies to do the same.

I had heard enough I needed to hear from people time to move onto my next assignment, breaking into his email and phones…

-Venya♥

Therapy in Writing?

I posted yesterday and am compelled to write again today to release my frustrations.  Writing has been very therapeutic for me over the course of the years.   I wrote yesterday in regards to the abuse that I endured from my husband which took me back to a place that I would rather forget.

I wrote about him slapping me, choking me and then spitting on my face out of frustration.  He married me while living with another woman, what gave him the right to be so frustrated with me???  After I hit publish on my post, all day I could feel the spit on my face and in my hair as if it just happened to me.  I went to a very sad part in my life where I was hopeless and no one was there to lend me a helping hand or even say, I’m with you.  20 years old and I was dying inside…

Later in the evening I had a bit of an emotional breakdown and it was due to me reliving what I had gone through in the past.   I don’t want to say it’s easier to forget my journey but wouldn’t it be?  During some TV time with my daughter, I burst into tears thinking about what I have been through and what I have done without, love that it is.  My young daughter consoled me and told me it would be okay.  I believe her but I would still like to know why MY journey has been full of so many obstacles?

Why is okay for one human to treat another human so badly.  I would never hurt ANYONE not even my enemies, so why did he and his family treat me like I was a horrible person?

Why were, and still are, my parents so afraid of what society will say?

Why did they not have the courage to say, our daughter is a good person and deserves better rather than turning a blind eye to everything.

How come my husband and his family didn’t see anything wrong with me being black and blue?

What goes on in someone’s head where they can justify beating someone to a pulp?

Why do they not feel bad for causing so much pain and anxiety to another person?

I gave birth to his 2 children, slaved away for him and his family, lost my own self finding them.  How come I am still not good enough?  I am the one left with all these traumatic experiences in my head and they seem to living a happy life, how is this fair?  I am the one who freaks out in my sleep, doesn’t like to be alone with men, doesn’t feel safe, am hyper vigilant for my kids, has nightmares with my eyes wide open, can feel every ounce of pain in the last decades and they continue on as if nothing has ever happened???  I am I that broken by these people who have no remorse or feelings towards my life in general?  Why the fuck am I still the one suffering when I haven’t done anything to deserve this treatment???

I feel hurt, betrayed, wronged, sad, angry, unhappy and just broken!  Do they ever feel responsible or is it just me being delusional?    There are so many questions that I NEED answers for!  Can someone, anyone answer them for me?  Why did I get treated so badly and was made to feel guilty for not liking my circumstances?!? WHY ME?

-Venya

3 months?

For the next little while, the days came and went and I’ve been trying to remember them but all seems to be a blur. He would go out with the love his life and return at his leisure.  Meanwhile I would be playing house with his immediate and extended family.  In my own way I had started covering up his lies for him.  When someone would ask where is Raj was, he parents always said “work”.  Soon I started saying the same.  When asked where my husband was, I would reply work.  If it was unusually late, I would say “probably out with his colleagues for an after work drink”.

I became a sad little liar for him! I hated my life… I hated the fact that he wasn’t being held accountable by anyone for his infidelities.  I hated that he was getting away with being a complete asshole and I was helping him treat me badly.  What was wrong with me???  NO ONE in that house questioned him, EVER!  I still hadn’t told my parents what was going on, I was hoping it would all stop.  Even if I had told him, what could they really do?  I already knew I was allowed back home.

To take my mind off things, I had asked him if I could attend post secondary and he said no.  He needed me to stay home and get to know his family and be helpful to them.  Then I had asked about working, again the idea was rejected.  He told me not to work or attend school for at least a year.  Try to fit in with my family instead of running around.  I’m pretty sure this was a way to keep control over me at the time.  Limit my interactions with people and keep me locked up in the house.  My fault was, I listened to him and his family.  I didn’t work or pursue my education until a year later.  I started working against his and his family wishes, but I’m grateful that I did!

Instead of focusing on setting their son straight his parents (mostly the mom) would treat me badly over the pettiest things. She picked me apart day and night, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I was too dark, too ugly, too curvy, too stupid, the list never stopped, in fact it still hasn’t really stopped.  I was so exhausted and hurt I didn’t know what to do with myself.  All I knew to do was cry, so I did.  I actually never talked about  Raj’s actions to his parents until a decade after my marriage, I never even mentioned the other woman to them.  I knew if I said anything negative to them about their son, they would somehow twist the truth around and blame me for all of this nonsense.  My MIL often blamed me for her son not being around the house more.  She would lash out at me over laundry and cleaning or whatever else was the flavour of the day.  In hindsight, I think she attacked me like that to never give me the opportunity to talk.  Instead she flooded me with so many other “issues” and put fear into me that I could never be the cause of more upheaval.  Just for a little perspective, I don’t even think at this point I was married for 3 months.

There was a day when my emotions were running high and I decided to question Raj again. He had come home on time from work and was stopping in to change before heading out again.  I had had a rough day with his family and didn’t want to be left behind again, alone and fending for myself.  As he was about to leave, I started asking questions without waiting for him to respond.  “Where you going?”  “Who are you going with?” “When will you be back?”  “Why are you and your family doing this to me?”  “Why don’t you ever take me with you?”

I guess the emotions ran a little high for him as well and he did what he did best, he got physically abusive with me.

He slapped me across the face, telling me to stop yelling at him. At that moment, I remember swearing at him and him being enraged because I was talking back.  Then he grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against the wall, I hit my head so hard against the wall I thought I was going to pass out.  As my neck was in his grip, I asked him, “Do you do this to her to?  Do you hit her like this?  Do you swear and abuse her like this?  Does she like being hit by you?”

He answered, “Maybe I do this maybe I don’t. She gets whatever she deserves as you get whatever you deserve.  If she is a fucking bitch she will get treated like one, just like if you’re a cunt, you’ll get treated like one!”  He was raging mad, his words hitting my face like a sledgehammer.

“Of course you don’t hit her and abuse her, she wouldn’t stay with you! If you love her so much why did you marry me and not her?   You married me to leave me your family.  What have I ever done to be treated like this by you and your family?”  Tears streaming down my face all the while making sure I kept breathing.

At some point he let go of my neck, the yelling match stopped between us and his final gesture towards me, HE SPIT IN MY FACE! He left and didn’t return that night.

While I was curled up on my bed, alone in my room, I cried and wondered out loud why no one in the house came to my rescue. Everyone was home, how come they weren’t curious enough to know what the shouting was all about.  The back of my head grew a goose egg and my head was pounding.  My thoughts kept going to him and her.  What was so great about her that I couldn’t compete with?  Maybe she was that great that he couldn’t give her up for me.  I went to sleep like usual, crying and asking myself, why me?

Mom, Dad please help me, I’m literally all alone! No one likes me here!  They treat me like a servant and the dirt beneath their feet!   Why would you do this to me, why did you throw me to the wolves?  I promise to be a good girl, I will do whatever it takes to keep you happy so you don’t give me up again.  Do you know they violently hurt me?  Do you know they berate me all the time?  Mommy they say you’ve taught me nothing, I am no good as a daughter in law.  Daddy do you know they say I’m fat and ugly all the time?  Do you know when he hits me, it really hurts?  Why can’t I just keep living with you?  I’m only 20 and I’ve never been in this kind of environment before!  Mommy, Daddy, Nanaji, Massiji, neighbours – ANYBODY!  Please take me out of here, I don’t like these feelings of hurt and hopelessness.  I never meant to hurt anyone if I did, you all know me.  I love everyone, I wouldn’t hurt a fly so why does he keep hitting me and why does his family let it happen?!?!?  Mom Dad do you see the bruises around my neck, will I be able to swallow?  How about the goose egg on my head, will you ice it?  Can you trace his fingers on my cheeks, it hurts to touch?  How did I end up like this?   You told me that you do everything for my good and my safety; I’m not safe here…

Again, I’m choking back tears as writing this.  It’s so tough to go back in time and relive all the moments. I feel like going back in time and pretending to be my own mom and rescuing myself!  How could humans do this to other humans?  My 20 year self just wanted to go back home but wasn’t allowed too.

Before I had fallen asleep I made myself a promise, I was going to find out more about her!

I woke up the next morning with a purpose and started getting into detective mode. I wanted to know about her, the only way I was going to find out was if I started digging so I did…

-Venya♥