Hope

Every morning was a new day of hope for me. Can I get him to love me?  What can I do to make him stay loyal to me and this marriage?  How can I win the love and affection of his family?  I was a born an optimist, I think my outlook has literally saved my life.  I would fall asleep crying, sad and upset thinking about this life I was living.  I had had high hopes for myself.  I wanted to go to university but my dad hadn’t allowed me to go because, “girls didn’t need to go to school.”  Raj’s parents had promised I could go to school but had taken their promise back.  Growing up I was the kid that would become something.  My cousins had big plans to come visit me in my mansion and I was going to pay for family reunions when the time came.  The family thought I would one day become a lawyer, doctor or some professional.  I was the kid that all the parents wanted and yelled at their kids to be like me.  I was academically smart, was respectful of my family, domesticated, loved cooking and entertaining, spend time with my parents, worked at the age of 15, athletic (my dad hated that part of me) and made time for the gurdwara.  I was a very well rounded child who had it all.  My parents used to brag about me to others about how “good” their oldest daughter was.  What happened to the life that I had envisioned for myself? I was supposed to make those who knew me proud to be a part of my life!  When I received my scholarship from school, I had been hopeful that my dad would allow me to go to university.

I would daydream about becoming “someone”, it never happened. My dad dreamt about my marriage and passing off the burden (me) to someone else.  After I turned into a full bodied 18 year old my existence made my dad nervous.  I was on lockdown most of the time, people had bad intentions he would tell me.  I would still rebel and leave the house, upon my return I was almost always was met with hostility.  His biggest fear was I would get pregnant or run away with someone I wasn’t supposed to.  He focused on the negative instead of encouraging me to be safe and teach me to make good decisions.  It was a very strict household, and I couldn’t understand why all these restrictions were put on me and my sister.  I wanted to hang out with my friends, go to movies, have sleepovers and just play outside.  Most of these activities were a battle in our house.  I felt like I did everything right and they still couldn’t let me be me.  Straight “A” student her whole life, athletic, high family values, clean heart and loved people in general – what more did they want from me???

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In the fetal position I would often think, what I did I do that was so wrong that my parents picked this life/family for me. I was such a sweet, loving kid who had it all and was full of life (maybe I had too much life for my parents to handle).  Why did they abandon me like this?  What could I have done better so they didn’t have to get rid of me?  Raj would at times pay attention to me and at times would ignore me completely.  Some days were good and some days were bad.  I constantly tried to win his affection but nothing seemed to work.  His mom was somewhat kind to me but that was ever changing depending on her mood.  His Dad was really happy to have me, as was his brother.  I got along with them really well.  For them, at that time, I was the daughter/sister they always wanted and finally had.

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His brother was kind towards me, I really felt like he was my biological brother. We would go out together, watch TV together and in general just hang out.   He looked to me for advice, guidance and money until the day he got married.  I loved that kid, he enlightened me about his family and told me things that I needed to know in regards to his brother.  Dad was infatuated with me!  He loved that I could hang out with him, I would joke with him, play with his hair, clip his nails, feed him and in general I cared for him in everyone I knew how.  I treated him, like I treated my own Dad.  My dad had told me this guy was super great and treat him as you treat me and you will be fine.  Often he would give me and  Sunny (Raj’s brother) money and tell us to go get ice cream or something to eat.  Sunny and I are the same age; we had a lot in common which worked out for me.  Sunny would tell me about his girlfriend and get clothing advice.  I was the big sister.  I would cook for him, did his laundry (I did all the laundry for the ENTIRE household), sing to him, help him with homework, fight with him and anything else that siblings did, we did.  Dad would brag to his friends about me, the greatest daughter in law in the world.  He would get many compliments about me and he accepted them with pride.  My mother in law always made ugly faces when someone complimented me.  She would get angry at me and the person saying the nice things.  Her go to line became, “On the outside everyone seems like a good person, when you live with them, they are not so good.  When you live with her you will know she is not that great, why is everyone always fussing over her. ” She was becoming very jealous of all the attention their family was giving me, day by day she become her true demon self.

His whole family, (mother excluded) was falling in love with me; I had won almost everyone over in a matter of months! I didn’t do anything except be myself.  I was excited about life, I had so much love to offer with a good clean heart paired with hugs and kisses – what was not to be loved.  When anyone came to the house, I served them chai and food with a smile on my face and true happiness in my heart.  I knew I did all the right things for his family.  How come he still didn’t want me?  Why was he staying out all hours of the night?  How come he only talked to me when he was bored?  I was doing everything right but something was still so wrong!  I was determined to make him want me and love me as his wife.  I loved his family as I loved my own, every bit of me was true, not a malicious bone in my body to this day.  I took over all the cooking and cleaning from his mom in hopes of proving myself to her.  I would prep dinner for him in hopes of seeing him grateful for my existence.  I gave and gave (still giving!) and got shit in return.

The day all the nastiness began was about 3 months into my marriage. I was dressed to attend a wedding reception with him and his family and was feeling pretty good.  I was in the room with my mom and mother in law (mil) when my mil made a remark about a perfect daughter in law.  She had said she knew this girl who would be the perfect daughter in law.  This girl was respectful, domesticated and beautiful to bad Raj didn’t marry her.  She went on to say how perfect she was in every way.  I couldn’t believe my ears!  Too bad Raj didn’t marry her?!?!?  What was I??  How dare she say that too my mom and me!  Needless to say I was in disbelief and hurt.  When I ran into Raj he asked me what had happened, I said nothing and walked away.  I few days later he asked me again what had happened that day, I hadn’t spoken to him in days.  I told him what his mom had said to me and my mom, it erupted into an argument between us.  I asked him:  why did your parents beg for my hand in marriage if she was so perfect, why didn’t you marry your girlfriend, why was your mom so mean to me etc.  He apologized and actually looked like he meant it.

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A few weeks later his mom confronted me about why I had to go tell on her to Raj. She accused me trying to turn her son against her, tearing up the family, what I was hoping by getting them to fight, why I was such a malicious girl, is this what my parents had taught me?  She went on and on about how I was destroying her family.  Just for the record, the brothers don’t speak (been going on for years before my time), mom and dad fought all the time (slept in separate rooms way before I got there), dad wasn’t allowed to breathe without her permission, he was her property.  She was against dad in whatever he said or did; she was rude and disrespectful towards him ALL THE TIME.  Raj and her had an explosive relationship (this started waaay before my time.)  Their family was already a mess and I was getting blamed for all of the wrong. From that day forward everything that was negative was my fault.  When she confronted me all I did was cry and defend myself quietly, it was only 3 months into my marriage.  Raj came around the corner unexpectedly and ripped into his mom defending me.  It became a huge fight!  Words were going back and forth and I was being blamed for every second of it by his mom.  He stood his ground for me, this gave me hope and strength to move forward in my marriage.  Was it really going to be alright?  Maybe there was a place in his heart for me!  That was the first day of many battles he fought for me against his mom.

Venya♥

 

Post Honeymoon

12 days in the Caribbean can make anyone forget their reality, isn’t that what vacations are supposed to do, make us forget our real lives??? This vacation cliché worked on me! Clear blue waters, endless bottles of alcohol, sleeping in, sun bathing by the pool, meals prepped for you and having no schedule helped me ignore the fact I was married to someone that was entirely wrong for me.  The first few days back from our honeymoon went by quickly.  His family was still in town, they wanted to hit all the tourist attractions so we had a lot of sightseeing to do with them.  Real life didn’t kick in until about a month after I was actually married.  During that period his family was still in town, we had many dinners, chai’s and chatter to focus on rather than the issues bothering me.

Raj and I settled in some sort of routine. He would set out for work every day in the morning dressed in a suit and tie and then return some time in the evening.  I would spend time with the out of town guests around meals and other visitors until the dinner dishes were done.  Sometime around that he would come home and hang out with the relatives, other nights he would come home, change and then leave again.  I would always be crushed when he did this.  I knew there was nothing between us but some casual sex but I still had expectations, those expectations nearly killed me.  When he would come home and leave, I always knew where he was going, to see his girlfriend.  My gut told me that she was with him when he wasn’t with me.  I would persistently ask him questions about his whereabouts and he would never answer properly except, with friends.  It broke my heart every time he left me in the middle of his family to fend for myself.  Why couldn’t he just take me along and drop me off somewhere and then just pick me up???  I hated pretending to be happy with his family while inside I was so sad.  I hated that I actually liked his family because I resented him for forcing me stay alone with them while he was out with her.  Many times I went to my bedroom, would have a quick cry, fix my makeup and walk out and join the scene as if all was well.   How come none of the family ever asked him where he was going or to stay and join us or even how about, take your fucking wife with you!  I played house in front of the world but in my head I was so confused as to what to do with my feelings.

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1 month in and I didn’t like what marriage was. He would go to work.  I would cook, clean and entertain for his family all three meals.  He would come home change and at times he would leave again and some days he stayed around.  The days he would leave me I would fall asleep waiting and he would return well into the early morning hours.  I would wake up and ask questions about his life and what’s going on and he would brush me off and the cycle continued day in and day out.  A few times Raj and I had heated exchanges but for the most part we were on our best behaviour because the houseguests were still here and listening to everything.

Once the guests had gone back home is when the real drama started. Him and I started to fight behind closed doors about a variety of issues, we never fought in front of his family nor did I ever let on that I was upset.  His mom was sly from the beginning and that became prevalent issues between us. During your son’s wedding, it’s customary to give gifts to family and friends to your guests.  Some gifts can be quite extravagant.  My dear mother in law wanted to give with extravagance without having to spend any money.  About a week after my wedding she asked to “borrow” a gold set (earrings, necklace and ring) so she can gift it to one of Raj’s cousins.  This set was worth thousands of dollars, it was one of the ones that my parents had given me.  I gave her the set as a good non suspecting daughter in law would do, to this day; she has yet to pay me back.  The following week she had asked for a couple of pairs of earrings she had given me but “forgot” to buy some for the other nieces.  She swindled me out of at least 5k worth of jewellery in the name of love and “helping” her out in a time of need.  I should also mention, she was really upset with me that Raj had got me my own deposit box at the bank.   She had insisted she would “take care” of my jewellery, Raj had said no firmly and went ahead and got me a separate box from her.  She had also started making remarks about my body size here and there.

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He was constantly in and out of the house, without much explanation of his whereabouts. He would sometimes arrange for his friends to entertain me in the evenings.  A few of his friends started taking me out to movies, dinners and coffees because my complaining was compelling him to get me out of the house. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him and I didn’t have a job to even go to.  I had told him I wanted to work and he had shut that idea down.  He wanted me spend the first year of my marriage to get to know his family, so I stayed home for the first year.  He gave me money to spend, so I was never without plus I had turned over all my savings to him in the form of a joint account where he would manage the money not me.  I had agreed to this set up, at 20 years old, I didn’t know any better.  I had talked to my mom and she told me the right thing to do was to amalgamate everything with my new husband, so I did without questioning it.   So now he had taken over the money I had saved (he had no savings), I was put on a weekly allowance(it was enough for me so I never complained), was taken out by his friends once a week(they were fun to be around), stayed home to cook/clean for his family (very demanding and criticized me all the time), didn’t see any of my friends (I moved out of the neighbourhood and they were all going to school),  and I was lonely as one could be.  20 years old married for under a couple of months and I felt like I was married to long.  Basically I had given up everything including my own identity to become a mistress masked as a wife.

Raj and I fought all the time, and then he would at times take me out and buy things for me. As an older person, I now see it as a way for him to keep me quiet about the truth about our life together.  He loved to eat at fancy restaurants; he would buy me nice dresses (his parents disapproved of my dresses) and then take me out once in a while.  I think these were the times that she must have been busy in her life; I was the mistress after all!  On call for his pleasure!!!  I must admit, I did like going out with him because it gave me some sense of importance in his life.  Those times I felt hopeful that maybe I will be able to win him over with my unconditional love.  I knew I was a good person and I had good intentions, isn’t that a recipe for success?  I learned later that is a recipe to get walked all over.  I would complain to my parents about my not so great situation and they would tell me to be kind and practice patience, everything will get better.  I asked my dad to come home and he told me it was too soon and I hadn’t tried hard enough to win him and his family over.  Instead he asked me to reflect and see if I had made any mistakes in caring for him and his family!!!  Umm DAD!!!  HOW ABOUT WE FOCUS ON HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT HE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT AND HIS GREEDY BITCH OF  MOM WHO CONSTANTLY PUTS ME DOWN AND MAKES FUN OF ME???????

What did I do, all I knew what to do, cry myself to sleep night after night and hope things would turn around as my parents promised.13183486_1172102602842479_690019116_n.jpg

-Venya♥

Honeymoon

A couple of days after the my big fat Indian wedding we were sitting on a plane on our way to one of the most beautiful places in the Caribbean.  As a daughter in law it hasn’t been that bad being married thus far.  I still feel uncomfortable as I’m trying to fit into a house where no one is mine.  There is family from all over the world at the house which has helped pass the time effortlessly.  Many cups of chai with daal roti came and went but I had still not given myself up to him and nor had he tried to officiate our marriage with sex.

I wasn’t consulted on where to honeymoon but I couldn’t argue with the destination!   Throughout the airport, people who know Indian culture look at my choorah and give me approving smiles.  I feel like a good obedient girl who was doing all the right things.  The plane ride was long and tiring.  At some point him and I had developed some sort of speaking relationship, I started to let him in my life.  We get to our destination and I’m blown away by the beauty, I can’t help myself but smile ear to ear and thank Raj endlessly for picking such an exotic place.  That is where I think our friendship began.  Raj is a planner, he had planned out all 7 days with activities and I was excited to participate in every minute of it.  I was young and energetic with so much to see and do!!!

The sun was shining everyday, with green waters and beautiful people surrounding me, I was in heaven.  For the most part he did treat me well, he encouraged me to be in the water ( I love the water:) ) I had corn rows put in and he took me every single night for the nightly entertainment.  I felt so free there with him, I guess that’s what holidays are supposed to feel like.  I give him full credit for making my honeymoon a success.  The only negative thing that I remember was a comment he made.

He did the things he loved most and didn’t tell me about earlier than now.  He drank and smoked (I’m not a fan of smoking, drinking I don’t mind).  He made calls back home and he watched a lot of TV while I would go out for the day with my new found friends.  At times he would sit poolside with drinks and food as I swam my heart out.  I don’t think it’s not too uncommon for couples to have a separate likes and dislikes or interests.  When I look back in time, even at that young age I was an optimist.  I had grown up making the most of everything, no matter what the circumstances.

We had hired a taxi for the day to take us around.  I was appreciated the beauty of women that particular day.  I think women are the most beautiful creatures and no two are the same so they ALL must be appreciated for the differences.  There was a woman I found very attractive and she was not a size 2, she must of been a size 12.  She had this aura around her of beauty, I was mesmerized by her.  I made a statement about how I thought she was so beautiful.  He responded with she’s too big to be attractive.  He also went on to say that if I ever got as big as her it would be over between us.  I was shocked he would say such a thing about a body.  I was a size 8, I wasn’t small but I wasn’t big either, it was still incredibly offensive as a women to me.  We went back and forth about his comment and he stood his ground about his belief.

I couldn’t believe that he was so superficial like that.  But then I had to remind myself, it’s not like I know him!  I had an arranged marriage to a man who I met 2 times before marrying him AND he had an existing girlfriend while he married me.  Who was I kidding??? But being so young meant I was too naive and gullible, really I was just a child and didn’t know any better.  That comment has stayed with me since it was said, later in life I realized how much truth he was telling, I guess I didn’t think people were that shallow.  So not only did he marry me while he was living with someone else but now I had to worry about my body and what he thought about it???

Little did I know this was just the beginning of the dissection of my body with not only his words but the words of his family.  I made the most of my honeymoon with other people.  I would take my favorite jet ski instructor out into the deep ocean, I would hold on tight to him and my new husband sat on the beach waiting for my return.  I made different friends every night who I would dance away the night with, all  while my new husband watched from a distance.  When life gives lemons you make lemonades!

Some time during the honeymoon we did consummate our marriage, it was nothing special.  For most of the honeymoon I had my period and then it was over giving us the window of opportunity if we wanted it.  It started in a hurried fashion and was over before I was ready for it to be over.  It was just a physical need we both had it made complete sense to engage in sex with each other, we were technically husband and wife.

-Venya

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Night 2 of Marriage

We only spent one night in the hotel room and tonight we are in “our” room. The day has passed by quickly not leaving much time for me to think about our night.  Now its 11 pm the only thing I have to think about is sleeping with him.  The previous night went exactly how I had hoped for.  Tonight should go according to plan.  I’m changing into my new set of PJ’s and thinking how wrong everything is.  I have to sleep with the enemy and for how long?  Will I be hurt by this?  Will my dad let me come back home or do I have to continue to make the best of it?  At that moment the door knob twists and the door opens.  There he is standing before me.  I don’t know what to do, so I say hi like an idiot.

We make eye contact. Not saying a single word to me, he moves closer to me sending my heart into overdrive.  Before I can move away he puts his hands on my neck, fingers in my hair and with one swift move he’s pulled me up close to him.  With the other arm he grabs my hand and puts in on his chest, naturally my other arm follows and holds onto his arm.  His arm is rock solid under his shirt!  I ask him, “What are you doing?”  He smiles, brings his forehead close to mine and says, “I’m trying to get a good look and feel of my new wife.”  Like the cliché, I’m blushing like a new bride.  “You don’t have to hold me so close to get a look at me.”  “You’re right, I don’t have to.  I want to and besides how else can I feel your body if you’re standing to far from me?”  I tried to playfully squirm away from him but he’s got a good handle on me, to be honest, I liked that way.

Before I can say or do anything else he’s kissing me passionately. I have no choice but to respond to his kiss with just as much passion.  Our bodies are pressed up against one another’s as if we are trying to physically go through the other.  He pushes me up against the wall and leans into me; I can feel he is as excited as I am.  I’m trying to play coy but fail, the passion overrides it.  My knees are going weak as he is kissing my neck and shoulders.   Just as I begin to slide down the wall he brings me back up with his mouth on mine.  His tongue is exploring the depths in my mouth while my tongue is trying to match his ferocity.  He tastes like a man should taste like, powerful and hungry.  His hands have been moving everywhere on my body except where I actually wanted to feel them.  I grab him by the wrist and place it on my breasts giving him permission to make me moan.  He is even more excited than before as he plays with my breasts.  He is pushing himself into me while kissing me, feeling my nipples between his fingers.  The sensations in my breasts are bringing out the animal in me.  Lightning bolts between my thighs is sending shocks down every limb in my body.  I grab for his manhood, I fumble to undo his belt then his button and finally I unzip his pants and stop myself.  For a few more seconds I want to be pleasured by him, pure greed.  He then grabs my hands and places it on his naked self, it’s so big!  It throbs in my grip as I am pleasantly surprised by his size.  I want it all for myself and I want it now.  I drop to my knees like a starved vixen.  Without thinking about it, I put him in my mouth tasting him.  His natural smells driving me wild, (take deep breath) I suck it and lick it as was asking me to do so.   I haven’t been this excited to have a man in my mouth in some time now.  He is the one now going weak in the knees, I can feel him relaxing.  He is slowly falling back onto the bed, with him still in my mouth, he lays on his back.  I quickly look up at him, his eyes are closed and his head resting on the pillow, he is in heaven.  It turns me on even more seeing him this way.  My panties are so wet with lust for him.  I stop our moment to take his pants off completely; he comes to and effortlessly removes my clothing as quickly as he can so we can get back to where we left off.

 

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I need him to feel and understand my lust for him. Teasingly I maneuver my naked body over him.  I crawl over him exposing my love cave to him and take his manhood in my mouth again to continue what I stopped.  He throws his head back and goes back to where he was before I interrupted us.  I loved feeling the cool air all over my hot body; it made the touch more heightened.  Stroking and licking him, I enjoyed the hands that had taken over my backside.  He was feeling every curve I had to offer with his hands.  His hands were on my thighs, hips and calves and then I felt him enter me with his fingers.  At his entrance I arched my spine for a split second and then backed up closer to him allowing myself the indulgence.  While he pleasured me with his fingers he slowly pulled me back onto his face, letting his tongue and mouth took over.  I struggled to keep pleasuring him with my mouth, the intensity between my thighs was taking over me. He licked me like I was the tastiest treat he had ever had!  It was like he wanted every last drop of me to be his and only his, his greed turned me even more.  I let out moans while loving his man hood, rocking back and forth over his mouth to take myself over the cliff.  Before I could do so, I felt him throbbing more than before under my hands and in my mouth.  He yanks me off and stops everything before it’s too late.  He knows that I’m disappointed with his abrupt action, with a sly grin, he grabs me and dives in between my legs again, oh absolute bliss!  This time I finish with an unbelievable toe curling orgasm.

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I’m completely depleted of energy but make the effort and reach for him so he can experience what I just have.  He pulls me close and tells me he climaxed with me, my moans, groans and scent were enough for him to reach bliss without being touched.  We cuddle under the sheets, my head on his chest and his chin on top of my head.  He slowly strokes my hair, I feel like a woman should: loved, safe and secure.

 

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Reality Check:  Day 2 of my marriage and sex was yet to be had. We never did have sex that night.  Our time behind closed doors consisted of small talk, me putting on music and him flipping through GQ.  It was strange enough to get under the covers with a stranger as if it was okay, throw sex in the mix and it’s mental.  He lets me pick “my side” of the bed and at some point I fall asleep. I think it was as good as it was going to get for now and I was completely okay with it.  In arranged marriages, how do you have sex with a complete stranger???

 

-Venya♥

Poetry – Venyas Rose

I May Seldom Tell
U How Special U Are,
I May Not B Able To
Reach U Coz We’re Both Busy,
But In Spite Of All,
U Know U Are Someone
I Really Miss & Care About

143 Is Numerically Saying
“I Miss You”
What If I Ask U 23423
Same As
“Do You Miss Me Too?
Would U Answer Me
312 Same As
“Yes I Do”

Some Things Are Left Undone,
Some Words Are Left Unsaid,
Some Feelings Are Left Unexpressed,
But Someone As Sweet As You
Could Never Be Left Unmissed.

Venyas Rose⚘

Day 1 as the Mrs.

I lay awake next to the man who is now my husband, my keeper.  My husband who has another woman will take care, support and love me?  I’m an optimist, laying there I hope for the best outcome as a couple as his new bride.  Maybe I can win him over with my love and devotion… I stare at him while he sleeps next to me with his mouth open.  I think to myself, I have to at least try, I’ve already gone through all the motions my parents wanted me too.  I get out of bed and start the morning routine.

As I come out of the bathroom he is there.  We exchanges good mornings and he apologizes for falling asleep on me.  In my mind I think, thank fucking god you fell asleep!  We both quietly get ready to make our way back home as the newly wed couple.  I get dressed in a new suit and bindi, and put on my makeup.  Who was I getting dolled up for?  No one but me 😦 On the way home we grab breakfast on the go and eat in the car ride.  We don’t say much.  We are rounding the corner to his house and the nerves in my stomach are going crazy!!!  He parks the car and we make our way up the stairs.

He swings the door open and the house is full of people waiting for our arrival.  It’s all smiles, kisses, and hugs.  Oh what a warm welcome into the home, I wish it was like that forever!  We are served fresh paranthas with all the fixings, his aunties are fussing over him and I.  I love family!  We eat and the dishes are whisked away and I’m led to the living room for small talk with the family.  They seem like very nice people, too bad most of them are out of town guests.  After some chai and gup shup (chit chatting) I’m told to go get dressed for the evening milni (meeting) at my parents house.  They are hosting immediate family and out of town guests for dinner.

Raj walks me to my new bedroom, it’s so small for the 2 of us!  I don’t say what I’m thinking and begin to unpack my 2 pieces of luggage I brought with me.  Traditionally a bride never takes anything old into her new house, my mother wanted to keep the tradition.  My whole new life was packed up in these 2 pieces!  He had been considerate of me, he had not used up all the space in the bedroom furniture that my dad had bought and shipped to his house for our room.  Why is that my dad had to buy us furniture?  Could his family not afford it or was it just greed on his family’s part or was that just a normal arrangement?

Before I know it, we are piled up into cars again and it’s time for dinner at my parents house!  I’m so excited as my house nears, like a puppy I’m staring out the window as if travelling down the road for the first time.  As we approach I can see people milling around the house, my cousins running around outside and the uncles drinking outside of the tent.  I barely let the car come to a full stop when I run to bust the door down, part of me was still asserting my authority over my dad’s house.

I hug my sister tightly and way to long for her comfort, she’s not a hugger, I am.  I see my mom and dad, the tears start to flow.  My eyes are saying to them, why did you give me up to them?  What did I do so wrong that you basically gave me up for adoption?  Why did you not think I was worthy for the family any more?  My mom wipes away my tears and tell me it’s going to be alright.  My dad hugs me and tells me that they are only thinking of me and my future, be happy that you have found a nice family.  I pull away from them before I start a yelling match with them.  I continue my hellos with my family with tight hugs and some tears.

My cousins have me alone now, they are gathered around me waiting for the juicy details of the wedding night.  I tell them was okay nothing special.  A couple of them prod for more so I tell them a few white lies that get them squealing and rolling around the bed in delight.  My auntie comes to my room to announce dinner is ready.  We enter the massive tent set up for the dinner, I see “the couples” place setting and make my way there to start.  Raj is being escorted in by his new salis (sister in laws).  I can tell he like the attention from the girls.  We don’t really talk as the girls are continually teasing him and having fun at his expense.  Dinner is over way to soon and it’s time to say our good byes.

ANOTHER tearful good bye, I protest like a 5 year old child, I don’t want to leave my house!  By dad basically pushes me out the door and tells me to go to my house, I fight back and say, ” This is my house!”  He tells me, “This is no longer your house, it never was, we were raising you for Raj.  You belong with him and in that house, they are your new parents.  Treat them well, take care of your new parents and husband, they are all that you have.  Visit us as a guest and you must leave as guests do.  It’s time for you to leave now, I can’t keep you in my house anymore, you belong to them now.”  Those words pierced through me like a sword.  What do you mean I have to leave now and any other day that I come over???  I grew up with you and in this house, this is my life, this is who I am!  They can’t just take possession of me, I’m not a piece of property!! My dad gives me the “stare”.  I understand, he is not going to listen to me, I must leave.

This time, I’m sobbing and crying but I don’t say bye to anyone.  I’m angry at everyone!  Why did they all do this?  To this day, I still blame the bystanders to what happened to me because they didn’t speak up.  I refuse to look at my family, I get in the car, leaned up against the window I’m filled with regret for not saying good bye.  I don’t know how else to let them know I’m extremely upset and mad at them.  I cry the whole way home in silence.  He parks the car, I follow him up the stairs and into the room.  I take my time in the bathroom and get ready for bed.  Day 1 is almost over, how is this night going to go???  Another mystery that will be unveiled in due time…

-Venya♥

The Wedding Night

It’s THE night that a couple looks forward to as a Mr. & Mrs.  My new Mr. is very much drunk.  We are both alone in the beautiful hotel room.  What is expected of me?  Am I to consummate our marriage because of a piece of paper or do I say no because he is in love with someone else???  I slowly make my way around the room touching this and that, unsure of how I should behave around this man in regards to my body.

I’m in the bathroom and taking off my jewellery. One by one the pieces come off with my mehndi hands.  As I’m taking off my last earring, I see him in the mirror coming up behind me. I’m so nervous and unsure of what to do!  So I look down at the counter fumbling with my earring longer than necessary and wait for whatever comes next.  I can feel him behind me, now he’s come closer.  His hot breath is on the nape of my neck and before I know it his hands are around my waist.  He pulls me so tightly against him that I let out a gasp.  With one hand he starts to caress my arms and shoulders moving my hair to make way for him, while the other hand is holding me tightly against his body.  I can feel his manhood swelling and throbbing against my backside.  His experienced hands are all over my body and I’m losing control of myself, he has taken over me!  My body goes limp against his, my head is thrown backwards by default, resting on his shoulder while his hands are feeling his new territory, my breasts.  His strong hands excite me and my nipples harden in arousal all while I’m trying maintain my breathing.  Before I could protest he spins me around and kisses me deeply while holding my head so gently.  So naturally I press my entire body against his without speaking asking for more pleasure.  Like a good lover he reads my body language and starts to take off my clothes slowly.  The first to go is my top, while he skillfully removes it from my body insecurities rush over me.  The insecurities are gone as quickly as my bottoms are removed.  I’m trying to seamlessly equally remove his clothing one piece at a time.  I run my hands all over his strong shoulders and chest.  His body is hot under my hands.  We are now attacking each other with our mouths and hands like wild animals.  He unsnaps my bra and takes my breast in his mouth while I moan with my head thrown back and my arms hanging around his neck.   Such pleasure and excitement, every woman should feel like this!  He is hungrily going between both breasts with his mouth all the while his hand has travelled down my stomach and onto my thighs.  I can feel the heat escaping between my legs knowing what’s coming next.  I am wet and excited enjoying every second of this moment.  He slips his hand expertly between my thighs; my legs start to welcome his entrance by slowly opening.  His fingers dancing around my most pleasurable area and all I can do is moan and groan with anticipation.  I wait for his fingers to enter me, it’s driving me wild, but he doesn’t enter me.  He comes back up to my mouth and kisses me passionately while grabbing my waist and pulling at my hair gently.  In that moment he props me up on the bathroom counter and while standing between my legs he begins to make his descend between my thighs.

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Oh the anticipation of his tongue and mouth exploring my body! I can hardly hide the eagerness in my body for him. I grab a hold of his head while arching my back towards him and guide it further down my body, opening up for him.  He takes my nonverbal directions and diligently kisses my lips below with his lips, oh the feelings!!!  I’m swelling with more excitement than anticipated.  His tongue tastes me while his mouth is exploring me inside out.  All I can do on the counter is squirm with delight, moan and crash against the mirror in mercy. Fuck this is what they call ultimate pleasures!  I let his mouth have his way until he brings me to a complete body shuddering orgasm.  I relish in the aftermath of the earthquake that has just occurred within my body because of this powerful sexy man.  I didn’t want it to end just there and they look in his eyes told me, neither did he.  He continues to kiss me, I can taste and smell me on his lips and it excites me even more this time.  Carefully taking me off the counter, with locked lips we make our way to the bed.  I fall onto the bed and he climbs on top of me, I can feel his hardness hovering above my thighs.  Carefully I take him in my hands and gently feel what I know is all mine.  Now he’s the one letting out the moans as he falls on his back.  I take him in my mouth gently but with ambition and greed until he stops me and says he needs to be inside me.  I obediently get on my back as he is worshipping my breasts and neck.  With his legs he opens my legs and enters me with strong hard strokes using his senses to guide him.  At first it was slow but firm but slowly he picked up the pace and before I knew it, he was thrusting inside me as I clenched onto his shoulders biting and kissing his neck, shoulders, ears and anything that I can feel in my mouth.  Tasting his sweat, I play with his nipples with my tongue and he is playing with mine using his hands.  Through the moans, groans, thrusting and hurried love we both climax together.  I’m throbbing with pleasure and still want more of him.  I’m immediately aroused again and so is he, I reach for his face and start kissing him passionately all over again.  This time he flips me over and while standing beside the bed enters me trying to put out my fire with his manhood.  Again his hands all over my body from behind and before it’s too late he stops and sits down on the chair and pulls me on top of him.  I’m deliciously wet as I let him enter me this way, my arms are wrapped out his head while he has his way with my breasts again.  The euphoria I feel!  It all comes to an end again with us intertwined on the chair naked and exhausted yet completely in heaven.  We slowly make our way back to the bed.  Sweaty and naked we lie in the fresh smell of sex in crisp newly laundered sheets.  This is what sex is all about, unfiltered, animalistic and raw with unspoken emotions.

That is what I would have liked to happen, my wedding night DID NOT end this way! He was way too drunk to even think about me or sex in general.  I use the washroom, undress, remove my makeup and crawl into the same bed as him.  He managed to take off his jacket.  His shoes are still on so I remove them for him.  I make myself comfortable under the sheets and fall asleep beside the enemy.  That was my wedding night!

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-Venya♥

 

Wedding Reception

We pull up to his house, apparently now my house, and everyone starts piling out of the limo. I am still weeping and can’t seem to gather myself.  One of his aunties comes to the door and very kindly helps me out of the car and says, “All of us were sad to leave our parents houses, the feelings are normal.  You are very safe here and now you are a part of our family.”  I cry even more knowing she doesn’t know that I know he has a girlfriend.  Even she knew what was happening and didn’t put a stop to it.  Nothing against her, to this day she has been nothing but kind to me, but I can’t help but feel let down by all the women who knew but didn’t raise their voice.

Actually I feel like I was the laughing stock of his family. Almost everyone knew he was a relationship with another woman but not one person thought to warn me or help me.  How can everyone stay to quiet when they knew something was not right and would potentially destroy as young girls life.  How could they stand by and enjoy the festivities?  Would they have stayed quiet if this was happening to their daughter or niece?  Why was this ignorance accepted???  How could they do this to me?!?!  Better how could my own parents and I do this to Me?💔

I get to the door with him and his mother is there with her ceremonial equipment to greet us. After a few rounds of milk and some sort of folk singing, him and I are led into the house up the stairs to our place in the living room on the floor.  Everyone is trying to get a close up look at me, the new addition to the house.  I sit on the floor with my head low, eyes puffy and nose red.  I don’t want to see any of them, nor do I even want to be sitting there with him.  The photographer encourages me to lift me head up for pictures but the tears keep flowing.  I do compose myself for a couple of pictures and then break down again.  I feel like ripping off my beautiful chunni and throwing it across the room, hurling the glass of milk through the window and in general just smashing shit.  Of course, the good girl that I am, I don’t do any of what I’m visualizing.  After a few minutes of being lost in my thoughts, I’m being helped up to go take a shower to get ready for the wedding reception.

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I take the towel, start undoing my hair, and undressing in this bathroom that I’ve never been in before. My parents always told me to cover up, now why was it okay at 19 to get undressed and shower at a strangers house?  As directed I take a quick 5 minute shower and sit myself in front of the makeup/hair artist.  I’m dressed in the lengha that his mother picked for me.  The colour is beautiful but it’s not very flattering on me.  I had wanted to pick what I wanted to wear that night but, that was another right taken away from me.  They had chosen what I was to wear, I was merely the mannequin.  After a few hours of hair and makeup, I’m ready to go but not before my mother in law walks in with a gold set that was not my style.  Of course, like a good girl I said thank you and wore the ugly jewellery and smiled.  I take a peek in the mirror, holy shit I’m 3 shades lighter than I remember!  They made me look lighter skinned for the night, of course because I was too dark.  My makeup was not up to my expectations but who cared anyway?  I walk out of the room to be met in the hallway by Raj, he looks at me and looks away.  He has nothing to say to me, what could he say to me? His relatives are buzzing about getting ready to leave with us, soon as they are ready we lock up and off we go!

We get to the wedding hall and his family go inside and we are left in the limo together. We don’t say much, his friends come out to say hi and again we are flooded with people being around us.  His uncle comes running out and says not to go in.  What could possibly be wrong?  He comes to the car and says, “You don’t have a wedding cake!  Did you not order one?! I have to run out to Safeway and grab one!  Don’t go inside yet!”  How the fuck he forget one of the things I love most in my life, CAKE!  It’s easy to forget I guess, because he doesn’t give a shit about me!  He is only marrying me because his parents told him to do so! I don’t even get a nice wedding cake???  I had no say in my outfit, no say in my jewelry, no say in the décor inside, no say in the menu at least you could have gotten me a cake of your choice!  I had dreamt about my wedding cake for years and even that was taken away from me (yes I’m sad again.)

When cued we make our grand entrance as a Mr. & Mrs. into the reception. I can’t help but smile nervously, everyone was staring at him and I, we were the stars of the night.  We make our way to the stage to take our place and he sits down and I fumble with the chair myself to seat myself.  He didn’t even pull the chair out for me. Once seated the introductions of the families start followed up by the entertainment.  Then it’s time for the dreaded slow dance!  He had asked my preference of a slow song and he didn’t like it so we had 2 songs picked out.  Talk about awkward!  I didn’t know where to place my hands and I could feel him equally uneasy.  After a few minutes we are uneasily dancing and making small talk.  I remember him saying how embarrassing it was to be in front of everyone like that, he asked how I was, he would tell me to slow down, when is the song going to be over.  I was embarrassed too, this was the first time I was dancing with a boy in front of my family!!!  Lesson learned:  He is a not a dancer and I’m definitely a dancer! After what seemed like a million years the slow dance is over and when the bhangra blasts from the speakers, the Punjabis take to the dance floor in full force.

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At that point he exits the dance floor despite the numerous grabbed attempts by his friends and family to keep him there. I, of course, stay on the dance floor dancing with both sides of the family while he wonders off.  Might as well try to make the most with my guests, all 1000 if them! I didn’t know a third of the 1000 people in attendance!  This really was my Big Fat Indian Wedding.   The night carried on as it should but I hadn’t seen Raj in some time.  I asked a couple of his friends about his whereabouts and no one knew where he was.  I am going to say he was missing for a couple of hours that night.  I believe he went to meet up with HER, he denies this accusation of mine.  If he couldn’t bear to be away from her than why didn’t he just marry her??? When he comes back from wherever he was (I believe it was a quick shag to reassure her), it’s dinner and the night is winding down for us.

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Slowly the guests start to leave and I’m getting anxious about the time to come. His aunt tells him to end the night with everyone, it was time for him to take his bride away.  After ANOTHER tearful good bye between me and my loved ones him and I depart.  Didn’t anyone notice how many times I’ve had crying fits??? He is completely hammered.  I am driving and he is trying to stay awake in the passenger’s seat.   I should have just opened his door and “let him get some air”.  Unfortunately I’m not that mean.  We arrive and check into our hotel room and it is super awkward for me, I’m not so sure what’s going on his mind.  In my mind?  OMG what is expected of me tonight????

 

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-Venya♥

I Cried

I cried out in my despair,
I was longing to find love,
But nothing was there.
I withdrew to hide my inner turmoil,
And lay down critical,
Eyes filled with tears.
I held my heart with both hands,
Squeezing it tight.
Not wanting my love
To disapear into the night.
I know the struggle I must endure,
When my emotions begin to fight.
It leaves me weak from the battle,
That wants to take my life.
I wish that someone would help me,
To carry this load,
Because sometimes the burdens get to heavy,
For one person to bear on their own.

Copyright ©1996 Wendy Kay Huston

-Venyas Dragonfly