Work saved my sanity

Being a working woman was exhilarating especially since I didn’t have to be home with his parent 24/7! I loved going to work, putting on a uniform, putting on my makeup, looking the part of someone who was necessary in this world.  This was the best thing I ever did for myself, get a job where I could be outside the home and have some sort of socializing!  I made many friends at my new haven.  Men, women, their families and random strangers, I was full to the brim with love from others.  I was full of life and usually the life of the party when I was outside of my in laws home.  When people left my presence they usually remembered me for some time afterwards.

In the presence of people I was (and still am) in my element, I thrived and I grew as a person.

I am meant to be with people all the time, (Indian Oprah) I know this is my path! When I look back to when I was a little girl, even then people were drawn to me.  My parents didn’t like it but it was true, I was outgoing and chatty.  I engaged EVERYONE into conversations the grocery store employees, the seniors, babies, people at my gurdwara, relatives etc.  If they would let me, I would talk with them.

This new found freedom of working outside of the home was something else. It’s like looking up at the sun, eyes closed and really feeling the love from the sun while taking deep breaths being thankful for this universe and all it has to offer.

But, when it was time to go back home, my stomach would go into a frenzy with anxiety as soon as I could see the house in the distance. I would get worried about what was going to happen to me today?  Was it the silent treatment, a slap, demeaning words or was it going to be small talk?

How is it that a nice house from the outside could hold such ugly secrets? Did anyone have the ability to see thru the house and see all the secrets it held?  Did anyone walking by that house ever hear my screams of terror or the yelling matches that were as frequent as the sun rising?  Could they sense that something wasn’t right behind the closed doors?  Did it really have to be this way?  Could they hear my blood curdling screams in the middle of the nights from my night terrors?  Why did I have this double life and what had I done to deserve it?

He was still with his girlfriend, over a year into my marriage with him and I still hadn’t won him over. How did I know?  Because she had actually become my friend, young and stupid me wanted to know about her and him together as a couple.  There was a part of me that studied her to see if I could be like her.  That was not going to happen!  Her and I were quite opposite in looks and demeanor.

He continued to hit me or throw me around the walls when he felt like it. His parents (mostly mom) were emotionally abusive towards me.  I was tormented by them daily as a team against Venya’s existence.

How can everyone outside this house love me so much while everyone outside it loved me??? What was I doing so wrong that they treated me like an unworthy piece of shit?

His brother was my best friend inside the house. During the course of my marriage, he had been a confidante.  He saw everything, heard everything yet said he couldn’t do anything more for me except rip his brother off me whenever “it got to be too much.”  I talked to him about everything; he told me everything about his life.  Sunny was  a little brother to me, helpless yet trying to help me.

I was pulling this double life role off without a hitch! No one would have EVER guessed my home life situation (some to this day don’t know!).  Could they really not see the sadness in my eyes?  Were they oblivious to my pain?  I thought people were able to read people’s unhappiness?

Life became a cycle: Get up, make sure I look presentable, do my household duties for/with my mother in law, go to work (sheer enjoyment!) come home (anxiety starts), maybe get into an argument with my husband or his family, sex(dependent of moods), and go to sleep.  Repeat.

For those of you wondering, yes I had sex with him. Why?  Because as a living mammal I had needs and there was a big part of me that was trying to win him.  Sex and food were supposed to be guaranteed ways to secure a man, right?  And I actually like sex…

6 months into having a job, I was getting the hang of “the cycle” and was just keeping my head above water. On the other side my mother in law was growing angry because I was in some sort of routine and seemed fairly happy.

That woman, to this day, cannot handle anyone being happy but her, so she started destroying me in a way I had never imagined….

Venya♥

My first job after I got married

1 year had passed and I was finally ALLOWED to go work outside of the home! I was sooo excited that I had secured a job and really loved it!  It was so liberating to go into the real world everyday by myself without my mother in law or husband with me.  To  the bus, I skipped the whole way, smiling ear to ear.  I was like Happy out of the 7 little dwarfs, hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.  Determined to do something other than be treated like crap I got up with excitement  and purpose every morning because at some point I was going to be out of the house and be myself without having to put on an act or be submissive.  Joining the workforce was very easy, I have an outgoing friendly personality so making friends and learning are second nature.  I loved that I was “on – training” at work, how important was that?!?!  I was surrounded by many beautiful people that I looked forwarded to seeing every day.

The first 2 weeks of work went relatively well at home. I would get up in the morning, do my household chores and then I would go to work, missing all the evening drama at home!  Instead I would be laughing with all sorts of people and enjoying what freedom felt like.  Keeping up with the household duties were a must or else I knew I would be asked to quit going to work and I couldn’t risk that.  Getting up early and then I would run around cleaning up the mess of the previous night because my fat ass mother in law left things on purpose to teach me a lesson.  Me being young = being the energizer bunny.  I would do all my chores and take her wherever she needed to go before my shift and then, it was like, see you later suckers!

Raj and I saw less of each other but I was less lonely than I had been being with his family every day. We hadn’t really fought those few weeks,  I was getting into the groove being a married working woman.  I think he also liked me being busy, less chances of me investigating his whereabouts and asking questions like a detective.  He and I didn’t really talk during my first few weeks of working but at least we weren’t fighting.  I was content with that, married but alone yet happy!

Our fighting restarted when I received my first pay check. I, naïve and stupid, went home and showed my husband my pay check.  He was very excited for me to have a pay cheque.  I then went and told his parents about my first pay check and that I would be ordering dinner with my money.  The paying part was okay but it was not okay that I had a real paycheck.  His mom made a strong statement about how daughter in laws need to hand over their pay checks to their mother in laws to run the houses expenses.  She demanded it again and I didn’t really respond to that.  She repeated herself a couple of times, but I was just thinking that I’m the one who went to work so I should keep it not her!

When I was a young girl I saw my parents had one bank account and shared all expenses, my dad handled all the money. My mom didn’t work so I guess it made sense.  Now as married young woman, my mother and father had reminded me that my paychecks need to go to my husband as he is head of the relationship.  I subtly protested and my parents firmly told me nice girls don’t set up separate bank accounts from their husbands.  I was actually okay giving my money over for the greater good as a couple.

As instructed by my parents and after thinking about what I had grown up around, I handed over my first paycheck blindly to my husband. At the time it was just a paycheque, when I look back, I had actually handed him my freedom and did so every 2 weeks.  I would get a weekly allowance from him and that was all that I would/could spend and the rest was going to the future.  In fairness to him, I did receive more money when I needed and I was never without anything I needed.  In fact, I was spoiled materially and still am…

Although I gave him my pay, he still didn’t have any more respect for me. There was a place in my mind and heart that I hoped he would maybe love me now that I was earning money for “us”.  I wasn’t as useless as he was saying or they were saying.  No such luck, our fighting continued. 

At this point I don’t really remember a harsh fight where it got physical.  He kept seeing his girlfriend; I kept up with the housework and worked outside the home.  I was happy with the people at work, we ate, laughed and lived.  To the naked eye I had a life that was going in the right direction.  20, with a handsome husband, (who had a respectable job), working, lived with the in laws and was always happy.  At times even I thought I was living the life that others believe I had.  Some days I actually forgot that I was in an abusive relationship and that at any given time I would be slapped across the face or would be humiliated by him and his family.  There many days that I was actually happy (rose colored glasses).  On top of that I was constantly competing for my husbands acceptance and attention with his girlfriend AND mother!!!

I was, am and forever will be an optimistic person.

Venya♥

First Year Wedding Anniversary

Holy shit a whole year has passed by?!?!? Married to an abusive man with a girlfriend on the side, whose family is equally horribly, has gone by and I’m still alive.  Reaching the 1 year mark was bittersweet.

I felt very much accomplished because I was still standing despite all the efforts from his and his family breaking me down. There were many times over the last year that I thought I wasn’t going to last, but I did.  My failed attempt at suicide felt like it was a punishment.  Despite being optimistic, I actually didn’t want to live anymore.  I was being held hostage by him and his family and my parents had thrown out the get of jail card before I could hide it.  Due to all the turmoil I couldn’t think straight anymore as myself, I was always thinking as an abused woman.  Me, Venya had started living in fear, fear of almost everything.  I knew this was not normal but I was adapting to my environment. I didn’t want to be married to his guy but was getting used to it.   This past year was not what I had ever thought in my entire existence that I would endure, but I did.  Life really is full of surprises; I’ve learned all surprises are not all good.

It was mixed feelings, I was proud that I had made it and I was stronger than I had thought, but was so ashamed that an abusive marriage was my reality.

Despite being beaten up physically, emotionally and humiliated over the last year by them I was still smiling. The bruises throughout the had healed but the trauma was etched in my core.  Headaches over the year have subsided but the throbbing was always there.  A full year of cruel words that had been hurled at me were still lingering all around me like a heavy cloud.

The invited guests to my 1st year wedding anniversary party were completed clueless as to what has taken place over the last year.  In the very house they were standing in and having a great time was where all many secrets were buried.

My new pink sari looked classy and elegant on me as I was bombarded with compliments from family and friends. To me the hot pink signified the blood that at times had run out of my body because Raj had hit me too hard.Pink-Saree-Fashionable

 

The new gold earrings that mother in law gifted to me were admired by the ladies in the room. To me the earrings were more weight on my ears that I was going to have to carry.  My ears were already burdened by the name calling and emotional abuse I heard from my in laws.

south-indian-women-jewellery-18k-gold-plated-women-earring-jewellery-dangle-earrings-set_3478889.jpg

My perfectly painted nails to match my sari, at the request of my mother in law, reminded me how I would beg him to stop abusing me with my hands in prayer position. He only stopped when he felt like it, never at my pleading.

The walls that had been decorated held the secrets of my body being thrown against while leaving behind my tears without a trace.

The bathroom was spotless, except for the memories it had of me hiding in there over the past year. Crying, curled up in the fetal position and asking ‘why me’.  The mirror showing me the image of a broken young girl and to the guests it showed them nothing short of flawless

I looked like the perfect wife/daughter/ daughter in law. So put together, smiling and mingling with everyone.  Laughing and eating with both sides of the families, kissing the young ones and engaging the older ones.  In general I looked very happy.

He also looked like the perfect husband, grinning from ear to ear, accepting the teasing remarks from his family and friends about his beautiful wife, making small talk with me here and there.

Then there were the in laws who were putting on an amazing show for the guests. They were mostly accepting of the compliments others were giving them about their fantastic daughter in law.  “She cooks so well, how respectful she is of her elders, she is beautiful, she has the perfect Indian nose (yes it’s a thing in our culture), she is polite to all age groups, her hair is amazing, we want a daughter in law just like her, does she have any sisters, your family is very lucky to have such a girl etc.”  The compliments flowed all night like champagne does on New Year’s Eve.  My father in law not once faltered on the image of happy family, but my mother in law did make a few snide comments.  She couldn’t help but be jealous of all the positive attention I was getting.  She made a couple of comments, one I will never forget and she has used too many times for me to forget.

“Sometimes people shine from the outside but inside they are nothing but coal.  Don’t look at her from the outside, she is very different when you live with her, trust me I know, she is not anything special.  A person doesn’t really know a person until you live together and I live with her, she’s not that good.”

When it was time to cut the cake, I once again, couldn’t help but be excited! I have a hard time being mad and angry and plus I loved cake!  I let things slide and that is/was part of the problem, Raj took advantage of that to be with his girlfriend.

What people were seeing was a couple who were so happy to be together, they were both beaming!  They saw a loving family gathered as one with their family and friends to celebrate the past and many more years to come.  They saw a young woman who had fit perfectly into this family through an arranged marriage and was thriving.  They saw proud parents who were the envy of others in the room.  They saw a complete lie, because that’s what they wanted to see.  Most of the people there did know about Raj’s girlfriend but not a single person let on they knew about her.  It was easier to go along with the lie rather than tell the truth and stand up for injustice against women, not everyone has it in them to blow the whistle.

That evening nothing really went wrong, we put on a fantastic show for everyone. I hadn’t forgotten what hadn’t worked out over the last year, I had chosen to enjoy the evening and just be happy.  I hadn’t been happy enough throughout the year and I deserved this night.  The past year had been a shit show and I was looking forward to a much better year than the last.  This next year I was going to get rid of his girlfriend, stop him and his family from abusing me and focus on working to gain my life back.

Year 1 complete, how many more to go before I’m free????

Venya♥

 

Why The Women Society Calls ‘Damaged’ Are The Most Powerful — Thought Catalog

I didn’t write this but it moved me so much I had to share it with the world!  This writer has put my feelings into words without even having a single conversation with me, LOL!

If you have ever felt or been called a Damaged Women, this is a must read!!!

I am a damaged women and it’s the best thing ever! – Venya♥

 

God & Man Here is a truth you often don’t hear: traumatized women have the potential to become the most powerful people in this world. The most ignorant members of society call this type of woman “damaged.” But she is the most powerful type of woman there is. What they forget is that survivors have…

via Why The Women Society Calls ‘Damaged’ Are The Most Powerful — Thought Catalog

Until next year…

Hi everyone!  I am writing to say thank you for all the love and support that you send my way.  This has been a very progressive year for me in so many different ways.

I’m seeing things more clearly as Venya.  I have a focus and  a vision that the universe is going to hand deliver to me.  I have grown spiritually more than ever in 2017 and will grow even more in 2018.  At this time in my life I’m mature enough to let go of things/people that I can’t control/change and understanding their behaviour is not  a reflection of me as a person.  Their behaviour is non of my business, my happiness and self fulfillment is my business!  I always forgive and move on but never forget.

I’m appreciative of the love, abundance and clarity in my life after a long time.  Thank you universe for bringing me to this place and guiding me to inner peace.  Thank you for ultimately always giving me what I want.  Thank you for showing me contrast to what I do and do not want in this life.  So grateful for this life and all the experiences that make me who I am today.  Thanks to all the taught me great lessons and more thanks to those who love me unconditionally.  Feeling so grateful for this life and all that it has to offer.

I will not have time or the private area I need to write until after the holiday season is over so this is it!

This is my last post of 2017, see you all in 2018!!!

Love you all –  those who don’t love me,  too bad, I still love you! And those who love me, I will always love you no matter what and you know it!!!

Venya♥

 

1st Birthday as his wife

The once bubbly, outgoing girl who was going to conquer the world, was being silenced by the violent abuse behind closed doors. Not every day was horrible or bad, but it definitely wasn’t an ideal life!  There were some days when he wasn’t busy with his girlfriend that he made some time to take me out and about.  Most days I tried to keep myself entertained with music, sports, cooking and whatever came to me.  Mother’s Day had passed (absolute fail!) and not too long after would be my birthday!  Yay 🙂   Time to celebrate me, for once I’d be the center of attention!

After my failed attempt at suicide (he didn’t know about it) I had made a decision to try to live a happier life despite the circumstances. I needed to move on with my life with or without my husband while still living with him and his fucked up family.  I had expressed to Raj that I was a big birthday celebrator and I wanted to do something for my birthday.  I knew that he would do something even if it was just a dinner.  I must admit I had a hard time hiding my excitement for my birthday.

My birthday rolled around and I couldn’t contain my excitement just like a small child with their parents. I was in love with cakes and parties (still am!); nothing would have made me happier than just that.  Raj had understood that about me and didn’t really think that was all that wonderful, he accepted that I was young and childlike so would entertain the talks about it.

His mom gifted me this really ugly and cheap suit and acted like it was worth a million dollars! She apparently didn’t have time to get me a cake, I LOVE CAKE!  I must say I was disappointed even though I shouldn’t have expected anything different.  I really truly am an optimist, even to this day I am.   Being who I am, I appreciated whatever it was.

Side note: Later in the evening Raj did buy me a cake.

29ee96df49e02fae0ecd190bff81adbb--chinese-cake-japanese-cake.jpg

The evening consisted of a 5 star dinner with a luxurious gift topped off with some sex. Some would die for a night like this and be ever grateful for it, I wasn’t impressed.

My perspective was, the dinner was nice but not necessary especially when I ate without him so many nights. I would have rather had an average dinner and then also have many more dinners with love in the atmosphere.  Better yet, would be that he no longer have any other dinners with his girlfriend.

 

candle-light-dinner-muenchen.jpg

The gift was very beautiful but again I’d rather be loved and respected than bought materially. I wish he would stop spending money his girlfriend, I don’t even need anything if he would just stop spoiling her.  The gift becomes meaningless when you know it’s most likely a pity gift, she probably got the exact same thing.

The sex was just a human need there was no love in it, just a quick fix for the release of endorphins. Sex is just sex, at that time I would have preferred to make love to the man who loved me.

All in all it was a good birthday if you look at it logically, but it was just meaningless that’s all.

What I’m most thankful for is he didn’t hit me, didn’t verbally abuse me or make me feel like shit on my first birthday as his wife. Maybe he wasn’t that bad???

Venya♥

I almost died, but didn’t

That was my first attempt at suicide and obviously, I was unsuccessful. The feelings of hopelessness, unworthiness and drowning were just too intense for me to cope with.  It felt like there was no other choice but to give up and make a clean break from this once beautiful world which had turned ugly on me literally overnight.

I was 20, in an abusive arranged marriage, and constantly told by my parents “it was going to be alright”.

When I looked at the my broken face, the dark bruises fading and my heart feeling weak, I couldn’t comprehend what I had done so terribly wrong in this lifetime that I had ended up like this.  I was a mess most days and couldn’t stop crying myself to sleep most nights.

IT WAS NOT GOING TO BE ALRIGHT DAMMIT! HE AND HIS FAMILY HURT ME EVERY SINGLE DAY, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!!!

I lay in bed nauseous and unwell in particular thinking, Simran (my sister) why didn’t you just let me die??? Why did you have to find me?  I genuinely don’t want to be here, living this way.  My body was trying to get rid of the toxins that the prescription and non-prescription pills had left behind.   I felt like a truck had hit me.  Everything and nothing was right, I felt almost paralyzed.  The paralysis may be from the pills or from my emotional pain, never did figure it out.  My body was not happy with me, nor was my head or my heart.  Is there anything I could right in this world???  Even my body was mad at me!

untitled.png

All the bad times that had led me to this very moment were on repeat in my head like a bad movie. It hadn’t even been a year of this awful marriage and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I knew I would try again.  Why didn’t they just treat me somewhat decently?  My situation would have been more tolerable if either him or his family treated me somewhat okay.  Problem was I got it from all ways, and that is why they say you marry the whole family not just the guy.

I didn’t want to get slapped, punched, belittled, spit on or humiliated anymore! I didn’t want to get blamed for everything that went wrong in that house.  Why was I blamed for my husband’s bad behaviour towards not only me but towards his own family?  Thinking about the tortures to come made me physically ill.  I just wanted to die in bed and never have to face anyone again.  This house was toxic, no one was kind to one another.  They were rude mean and talked about one another behind each other’s backs.  I didn’t want to be a part of this anymore, I was not cut out for this type of cruelty L

I was so ashamed to be who I had morphed into in less than a year of my marriage. For someone who was supposed to be the successful one out of the family was now the most pathetic one, me. I was supposed to go to school and become something!  Not trying to kill myself because I couldn’t handle it anymore!

What the fuck was I going to do? I was stuck and could not see a way out.  Why me universe?  Why me????  How was I going to survive?

In the middle of my thoughts and self-pity, I hear the door knob turning. I gather myself as quickly as I can and barely respond to Raj who is asking if I need anything.  I mumble out a “I’m fine, I don’t need anything”.  Why is he even asking, he doesn’t even care!  He should go ask how is mom or girlfriend are doing!

What I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs was, “I want you to let me go, I want you to stop hitting me and making me feel like I have done something wrong. You and your family have to stop tormenting me with your words and hands!  Set me free, and go be with your girlfriend.  Tell your mom that I’m not her punching bag!  Cut me loose dammit, and never look back! 

I never said anything and crawled back under the covers.

Venya♥

I almost died…

I went to bed to go to sleep forever peacefully; that was my genuine intent. It didn’t go as smoothly as I wished it had.  My stomach was reacting to the overload of prescription and over the counter pills.  My body was over heating at a very fast pace, I felt like I was going to explode I became so hot internally.  My body wanted to throw up all the pills that I had ingested, but I was fighting it, I was going to win this battle.  I wanted to let the pills do the job of ending my life as soon as possible.

20 years old and I didn’t want to live anymore. I had an arranged marriage to a man at the tender age of 19 who was in love with someone else.  I was constantly told I wasn’t good enough by him AND his family.  My parents never really wanted to hear about any bad times I had gone through, they would change the subject if I ever brought anything up.  I guess they felt if they ignored my problems they would go away?

My mother in law advertised to the world how I was not a good match for Raj or the family. She was thoroughly disappointed with me as a human being and wasn’t shy about telling anyone.  Raj continually cheated on me with his girlfriend (although he never admitted it).  His girlfriend was sure to let me know how their evening or the last 2 days were.  She “kept me in the loop” about her love with my husband.  I was tormented by her all the time!

I felt like I had no one and nowhere to go. Now 20, I didn’t have a job, so no money that I had access to.  I didn’t really have any friends of my own, they were hand me downs from Raj’s circle of people.  I was belittled and picked apart by him and his family almost daily.  I couldn’t tell anyone or I would be the laughing stock, even if I did tell what could anyone do for me anyway? Pity me and then I would be on my own anyway???

My parents basically gave me away because they didn’t want the burden of daughter anymore. My dad didn’t want to waste time, money or energy on educating a girl who would only serve her husband’s family.  I was awarded almost 5K in scholarship monies which my dad didn’t let me use, because “I could go to school when I got married.”  From the age of 18 until marriage, I must have received hundreds of marriage proposals.  Although my parents were proud that I was sought after, it also made them nervous that I would be “ruined” if left single for too long.  So I was paraded around like a show pony from house to house trying to find a suitable match for me. I had declined 7 men and broke off one engagement only to fall in the hands of Raj, #8.

I had everything going for me! I was a very well rounded young women: smart, intelligent, honest, pretty, organized, good morals and values, never smoked, drank or meddled with drugs, loved her parents and extremely sociable.  All these attributes of mine told my parents I would become too independent and strong fast, before that happened she needed to be tied up to another man.  Being strong willed, compassionate, smart and charming had turned into a curse for me.  My parents arranged my marriage because they couldn’t handle my strength, ambitions and independence.

Since I was married, I had become weak, vulnerable, pitiful, and felt sorry for myself all the time. This is not the way I wanted to live my life!  I was meant to be a strong, independent woman who was supposed to contribute a household and society as a positive person not a crybaby!  I had planned on being a successful woman, not hiding and crying all the time while I was black and blue!

I didn’t want to stay up any more nights wondering where Raj was and if he was coming home.

I couldn’t hear how awful I was in every way from my in laws anymore. They picked my body apart; they told people of ill-mannered I was, I was told how stupid I was, thoughtless and no good for nothing.  I didn’t want to do this anymore.  It was hard to smile through a session of aunties talking about me as if I wasn’t there about I was not a good daughter in law.

I didn’t want to go to sleep crying anymore, or asking God, why me?

All I wanted was a family, a place to belong, someone/somewhere to call home. I never signed up to be beaten by a man or have his family treat me like shit.  I didn’t want this life anymore.  As a little girl, I had imagined I would have a successful life, I had dreamed of attending university and meeting the man of my dreams who would create a family/life with me.  I was supposed to be the Indian Oprah, making positive changes and touching peoples lives for the better.  I was going to create a beautiful life for me and those around me.

This ugly marriage was never what I wanted or expected. I wanted out and I wanted it now!

The amount of pills in my body was overwhelming for it to handle. Without warning my body got up and ran to the bathroom and just in time, threw up in the toilet bowl.   I was so dizzy and weak, my mind was falling asleep but my body was still moving.  I made my way out of the bathroom and then I fainted in the hallway, I don’t remember all of it but I do remember being brought back to bed by Raj.  I remember him asking  what was wrong, I was fine an hour ago and what was going on.  I said I didn’t feel well and too leave me alone.

At some point my sister came into my room, very concerned about me. She said I was foaming at the mouth and investigated in what was wrong.  I told her what I had done, I wanted to die and let me just die.  There was no value in my life, I couldn’t do anything right and no one needed or loved me.  I felt like a complete waste of human flesh, just useless.  Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me come back home, this home wasn’t home, I had no choice.  She made me drink water; I was throwing up and foaming at the mouth.  Raj and his family were very confused as to what was happening.  I don’t remember much of that experience except I was ready to give up on life.  If it wasn’t for my sister, making me throw up and taking me the doctor, I think I may have died.   There was no part of me that wanted to live this ugly life, why hadn’t she just let me die?

That was my first attempt at suicide.

Venya♥

 

 

 

 

The first time I tried…

After the New Year’s Eve party I felt alive and positive!  The feeling of being loved and satisfied with life’s surprises was absolute bliss.  This lasted for as long as it possibly could have and then the fighting and tears started again.  I hated being there, I hated his girlfriend, I hated his family and most of all I hated my family for giving me up to this family of assholes.  According to Raj I still wasn’t allowed to work outside the home as I was to get to know his family, so I was stuck with them 24/7.

It was nice that his brother and I had bonded and we were buddies living under the roof. Our relationship was kept a secret from the parents for the most part.  They knew we talked and exchanged secrets but they could have never the guessed of the depth of our conversations.  He would continually report back to me how his mom hated me, wished for a better daughter in law, her friends even disliked me.  He was my source of the ‘what’s going on in the house’.   I liked to get the scoop but really it was destroying me with every word I heard against me.

Things were up and down daily. Some days I felt like I was okay mentally and other days I didn’t.  At times he would attack me physically and his family would pretend they couldn’t hear my cries, other times he would take me for dinner or shopping.    I didn’t know how I was going to make it as his wife or if I was going to make it at all!!!

Before I knew it, Mother’s Day was around the corner. It would be my first Mother’s Day as a daughter in law!  I knew I had to do something pretty spectacular to impress his mom.  I started, like usual, making plans about how I was going to impress them.  I really wanted both of the moms to be there so I could have an evening with my own mother.  So I asked Raj if I could arrange a dinner at our house with both families.  He had no problem with it!  I was so excited!! Both moms together, this was going to be fantastic!

I invited my parents over and let them know this would be a dinner.  My parents being so traditional tried to decline but I emotionally blackmailed them into agreeing to come for the dinner.  Yay!  They had said yes, time to shop.  Raj, like usual, put no limit on me buying for the moms, so I went all out.  I bought both of them a 24k gold ring each, an Indian suit and flowers.  (Everything was identical)  That evening some other people showed up unexpectedly and I ran out and got her a suit and some flowers as well, after all she is someone’s mother!  We had decided to order in pizza, as that was a favourite amongst the parents.

The evening was going as planned. My siblings had both come, his brother was in attendance and I had made lots of appetizers and chai.  Things were going rather smoothly.

We decided that we would let the moms open their presents together, so we handed them their packages.  My mom was so happy and insisting for us to take back the rings.  According to her we had spent too much money.  Then there was the reaction of my mother in law who did NOT seem pleased at all.  I asked her if she was happy and her response blew me away.

“As the mother of Raj, how come I don’t have more than your mother got? Why is everything exactly the same, I’m the son’s mom!  This is nothing, other girls do much more for their in laws!  You shouldn’t have even done this, unless you were going to give me something of value.”  She turns to my mom, “ Bhenji (sister) don’t you agree, I should get more than you do because I bore a son and you had a daughter?”  My mom of course agreed with her stupidity.

What a greedy fucking bitch! Once again, I Venya, was completely crushed.  I defended myself saying I wanted to keep the moms equal so no one feels inferior to the other.  She fought me on this.  “Stupid girl, you have to live in this house, not with your mom.  You should be giving us more than you give them.” 

My whole world was spinning, could I do ANYTHING right? I didn’t know what to do except cry, how had I fucked up Mother’s day???  After everyone left I started thinking about things and how ungrateful they were or was there something really wrong with me??  What was I doing that was so horrible that they couldn’t see anything positive in me?  20 years old, arranged marriage and trying harder than I had ever had to to impress people and I was failing miserably.

I sucked as wife, as a daughter in law and as a daughter. Who wanted or needed me anyway?  No one!  This mayhem had to end one way or another.  I needed to leave this marriage but my parents wouldn’t allow me back because of society pressures.  I had nowhere to go, I had no money and zero support emotionally.  To top things off, I had told no one the truth about my messed up life, what the fuck was I to do?!!?!?

There was only one way out that made sense to me. DEATH!!!  I went to the medicine cabinet with a glass of water in my head.  Grabbed every single bottle that I could find of whatever, and emptied it out into my mouth forcing all the pills down my throat while crying.  There, that should do it, game over.  Happy Mother’s day to you all! My gift to you, my disappearance.  My parents could be proud that I died and didn’t shame with a failed marriage,  my in laws could remarry Raj to a more suitable match and Raj could have a second chance at a marriage with a person of his choice.

With a stomach full of pills, I went to my bed to go to sleep forever, peacefully…

Venya♥