Sex Toys for all?

I usually blog about life as me, Venya, but today I’m going to blog about sex.  There are so many stories daily about women, children and few men that are being raped, sexually abused or molested.  I am compelled to give my opinion to the world, you may not care but I’m putting it out there.  I feel I have a solution.

By nature I’m a very sexual person, and I’m not shy to talk about the taboo subject.  Being an Indian girl from a “decent” family I was told not to talk about such things. Today as an adult woman, living my own life I talk and discuss sex freely with like minded individuals.

This brings me to my topic today, sexual abuse/frustration.  Not mine but others.  I will also use India for my examples as it’s my home country.  Most of the articles I come across and read are usually women/children being sexually abused in India.  Some of the victims are as young as 18 months and others are married to the perpetrator.  I have racked my brain as to why sex is so forbidden in India and cannot come to a real conclusion.  Sex is a human need and desire which translates into a beautiful thing when it’s consensual.  I do know that people are very sexually frustrated there and in turn don’t know what to do with themselves so they abuse others sexually.

After talking to some people from India I have come to these conclusions:

  • Everyone is doing it
  • Some are doing it with family members
  • Some are doing it with animals
  • Some are doing it forcefully
  • Some are doing it consensually
  • Some love it
  • Some hate it
  • Some don’t care for it but feel obliged to engage in it to prove their love
  • Most are hiding they are doing it, even the married couples
  • Plenty of people enjoy doing it but won’t speak about it openly
  • Even the ones doing it are pointing the finger at others for engaging in such acts
  • You are punished severely if anyone finds out your doing it before marriage

Of course, people are doing it!  Otherwise the population wouldn’t be so high!  A billion people didn’t fall from the sky!

What bothers me are why are so many people sexually frustrated (that turns abusive) if the country is clearly populated so well?  I think, because no one is allowed to really talk openly about it.

I have a solution, and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

Why doesn’t India (or any other country) give out free sex toys as part of a mental and physical health initiative?  I’m not talking oils, feathers and rings.  I’m talk about a vibrator for women and an artificial vagina for the men.  When the urge comes on (and it does, we are mammals)  we should be able to bring out our toy and please ourselves.  This way no man will never be without hopefully less frustrated = less forced sex.  And the women can please them selves as they wish without being labelled or blackmailed for being a human with needs.

Think about it, if a man who is really needing sex can resort to pleasuring himself with an artificial vagina wouldn’t that save some poor child/women’s body/dignity/self esteem?

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I truly feel a system like this will bring down the monstrous behaviour that men are showing towards females/males of all ages.  There is no reason an 18 month baby girl should be raped.  If that man had that handy vagina, he could have had his release in a less destructive way.  If an artificial vagina can save lives, give the men 2 or 3 of them!

Just like birth control should be available and free, vibrators and artificial vaginas should be made readily available at no cost.  It should be available through a Dr.

This may sound insane but I think I’m onto something here.  What do you think?

Venya♥

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Sex with my brother in law?

The woman known as my mother in law was relentless in emotionally abusing me! Did she honestly think that I was sleeping with my father in law??? Was she that crazy or evil?  Needless to say, the household became very uncomfortable.  Dad avoided me like the plague after those gross accusations and I was always finding ways to prove that I was innocent.  I tried to make nice with my mother in law more than ever, and also kept my distant from dad, her husband.  My husband was too busy with his girlfriend to notice what was going on so I was all alone. I had no one, no family, no friends, no husband – I had nothing.  I didn’t tell Raj about the accusations because I believed there was no point, he didn’t care enough to even be around the house for my sake to begin with.

My only friend was Sunny, Raj’s younger brother. He became my confidante, my go to guy, my just for laughs man.  Dad would give us money and tell us to go eat something, grab coffee or ice cream.  He told me what was going on his world and got much needed advice!  I helped him pick clothing, gave him money so he could take his girlfriend out on dates, helped with his career goals and everything else a sister does for a younger brother.  I would cook his vegetarian meals for him separately as he preferred North American food to Indian food.  I did his laundry (I did everyone’s), helped him clean his room and tried to keep the guy organized.  We had an excellent relationship.

He would even give me information on his brother’s girlfriend! I came to know much about her through Sunny and his friends.  They all would tell me stories of her clothing, habits and  her personality was.  They would do a comparison between me and her, I would always be the one they pick!  They made me feel like Raj is the one who was blind and was losing out on a good woman.  Sunny was great to hang out with and was good for my heart.

The only thing I didn’t like about his was that he was so lazy! He would sleep into the afternoon and then not do much of anything.  To date, the guy has never had a job!  He is a father of 3 with no job and no desire for one either.  Presently he is living off the bank of dad! Back to earlier years, he was lazy then and he is still lazy now.  Some days I would jump up and down on him to wake him up.  Other days I would rip the comforter off him.  I was always harassing him to get out of bed so we could go and do something.

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While I was being playful with my brother in law my mother in law was secretly making up all these theories about our relationship. One of the days I was sitting on Sunny trying to wake him, my mother in law came screaming inside at me.  She started accusing me of first sleeping with her husband and now I was sleeping her son!  I couldn’t believe my ears, did she just accuse me of sleeping with another person who wasn’t my husband???  Yes she did!

 “Are there any men in our family that you will leave alone or are you going to steal all of them?  You took my husband, you married my eldest and now you’re stealing my youngest! Aren’t you ashamed of sleeping with your husband’s younger brother??? He is just a kid, you should know better! (Sunny and I are the same age)  Girls like you should be on the street somewhere selling their bodies not married in to respectful homes to ruin the men!”  Did she just suggest prostitution as a career?  Yes she did! 

She went on and on as I continually interrupted her trying to defend myself. She wasn’t interested in listening to what I had to say.  Sunny just pulled the comforter over his head and hid.  He should have fought for me but he didn’t.  I cried, and cried and of course I didn’t tell a soul.  Why did she think I was such a whore?  Why did she think I was sleeping with all the men in their family?  My husband, her son, was the one committing adultery not me!  Can she not see that?  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong as a 20 year girl.  This marriage, this house, these people were a living nightmare!!!

The next day, I found some alone time with Sunny and we talked about the allegations and his only response was, “She’s crazy, ignore her. She says stupid things all the time.  Who knows what she’s thinking.  We know we are just siblings so relax.   But in front of her let’s try not to talk too much.  She will mental on all of us.”  I agreed to not really talking in front of her or anyone anymore.  Another lie for me to start living….

 

Lies so far:

My husband loves me and is faithful to me – he has another woman whom he wanted to marry but didn’t because she wasn’t the right caste

Hubby would never lay a hand on my, I’m his wife – he hits me every time he feels like it, throw me around like a rag doll

I don’t care for my father in law – I care for him very much! He’s just like my dad, he’s everything a father in law should be!

I don’t speak or care about my brother in law – I love him! He is the baby brother I always wanted!  We have so much in common, he agrees with me on most things and cheers me up when I down because of his brother.

I was happy with this arranged marriage – there was nothing I liked about this marriage. I only had a husband when he needed me, my mother in law hated me, I was locked up inside and I had no one to talk to.

My mother in law treats me like her own child – she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me every chance she gets, she hates me and I don’t know why

Wasn’t sure what was to come next, at this point no one was really talking to me in the house. Sunny would talk to me secretly, mother in law when she needed something and dad avoided me.  Husband dearest was never around to talk to me.

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21, unhappily married, all alone and nowhere to turn how was I going to live the rest of my life like this????

Venya♥

13 Reasons Why… I’m Happy!

What a brilliant idea by Virtual Vomit! I hope everyone reading feels the same excitement as I’m feeling!!!  Instead of being negative and depressed I would rather be happy and optimistic, it’s much easier to be happy.

I am very happy because I’m healthy, all my limbs are working.  I might have some tweaks and creaks but overall I’m healthy as a teenager.  Of course I would like to be in better shape and all that jazz, but I’m at peace with the body I have, finally!

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I’m happy I have had the opportunity to experience to be a mother.  It may not be fulfilling and magical ALL the time like in the magazines or on TV.  But it has made me a better, stronger, loving and more patient individual.  I’m incredibly grateful for the teachings I get from these little people.  The joy, frustration, anger, love they cause me is a roller coaster ride, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world!

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My beautiful friends cause me oodles of happiness!  My awesome group of friends is the best hand picked group of ladies in the entire universe.  They are way to loving, nurturing, no judgements, uplifting and so supportive that they bring tears to my eyes.  I am so blessed, despite all the shit I go through, I have these wonderful ladies in my corner.  Love each one of them wherever they may be in the world.

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I’m happy because I have music and dance around me.  My soul is fed through Indian music with a little bit of shaking it.  Whoever created Hindi music, THANK YOU.  It’s Indian music that gets me through the rough days, without it I think I would go crazy.

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I’m happy because when I look out the window, it’s beautiful.  The privilege of living in a peaceful place is humbling.  I’m not around poverty, slums or war at my doorsteps.  Opening the door and leaving the house without worries about being shot or hurt makes me happy and grateful.  I’m surrounded by natural beauty in my backyard why shouldn’t I be happy?!?!?

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My parents being in my life makes me happy.  Every child/parent relationship has it’s up and downs.  My parents are my safe place.  They let me be who I need to be, they let me get out my frustrations and still love me unconditionally.  Even as an adult, I need them today and will forever.

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I’m happy that I have had a built in best friend from the day that I have been born.  My sister, my rock..  I am happy we have an awesome relationship.  She and I are the same but different in so many ways.  We are the sun and the moon, nothing without the other.  A relationship that is positive and fulfilling, we can agree to disagree but still cuddle whether she likes it or not!

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My happiness is at its height during social time.  I thrive in parties, I love to network and talk to random strangers getting to know them.  Socializing is important to me, it’s a life line, a drug for me.  Like a dog needs to be walked, I need to be socialized.  This can be in the form of a dinner date with my friends/colleagues, a big fat Indian wedding with 1000 guests, a fundraiser or a quiet evening on the couch curled up with a loved one.  I love people!

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Money makes me happy.  I know it sounds shallow but let me explain before you judge.  Because I’ve had enough money to make me comfortable my entire life, I’ve been able to buy myself distractions when I’ve been low.  I have used money to get me through some nights when I’ve had no where to go.  When I have needed to eat because my kids and I were hungry, we used money. I’ve never been without anything, thank you universe!  I love money and money loves me.  I do realize money is a bandaid solution and it’s temporary happiness but I’ll take it!  It doesn’t fix problems but it certainly gives us freedom to live this life.

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Chocolate and cake are other sources of my happiness.  There is nothing like good chocolate to taste and a beautifully decorated cake to admire, both make me smile ear to ear.  I find cake decorating so beautiful and interesting.  I’m literally the creep who stares at cakes like a man staring at a hot woman!  I walk through the cake section every chance I get to appreciate the bakers hard work.

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I’m happy because I live in a country where I have freedoms as a woman.  I live in a country where my daughter can be herself and have opportunities that other girls may not have as easily.  I’m happy this place I call home is the land of opportunities without restrictions.  I know she and I can achieve whatever it is if we wants, it’s a real option.  The sky really is the limit.

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I’m happy when I see beautiful artwork and quotes.  My favourite artwork is usually of women.  I find art work of Iconic Women (Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn) absolutely priceless.   I also love folk artwork of Punjabi women, takes me back to my roots.  I love color accented artwork.  I am drawn to artwork of the female body and the beauty of it.  Quotes in beautiful art also bring me happiness.

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The biggest source of my happiness is …. *drum roll* is myself!  I was a little lost for a little over a decade, okay maybe a lot over a decade!  I have finally found myself again.  I have learned how to live and smile again.  Without fully loving myself I can’t love anything to its fullest capacity.  I am extremely happy that I have me again in my life.  I have brought myself hope, ambitions, strength, visions and a reason to make the most of whatever it is that I have.   Beautiful people around me gave me encouragement, but ultimately I had to be the one to start making the changes.  Those changes took way too many years but the changes came.  I AM MY OWN HERO, with the help of others!

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-Venya♥

Dad or lover?

My mother in law is the classic definition of evil! She wasn’t happy herself and wouldn’t allow anyone else any other way of feeling.  I was somewhat getting used to my life as I had unimagined it.  I had a husband who shone to the world but behind closed doors beat the crap out of me while keeping his girlfriend happy.  I was finally allowed to work!  Other than work, cooking and cleaning had become my life for these ungrateful fucks.  Did I mention having a mother in law who is territorial is NOT FUN!?!?!

Mummy dearest saw that I was “managing” my life and I’m sure she was thinking of ways to bring me back to earth. I would go to my new found love (work) and come home humming to my Indian music as I cooked and cleaned for my in laws.  I would cook whatever Sunny wanted, he was a vegetarian but wasn’t fond of Indian food.  My father in law preferred Indian food, my mother in law loved a variety of food and secretly ate meat ( I caught her indulging in eggs one day!)  My lovely husband wasn’t a fan of Indian food but LOVES food, I didn’t cook for him much as he wasn’t around EVER.  Plus as he told me on several occasions, his girlfriend was an amazing cook!  Glad his belly was full from her creations, I was that bad in the kitchen myself just saying….

At this point in my marriage (about 1.5 years in) I think she had started to run out of things to nit-pick me about. She would spend hours/days picking my body apart and then my personality and what my parents have/have not taught me.  I was coping really well with all this garbage life.  Yes I was broken but I seldom let them or ANYONE see it, I would just cry to myself in my room or bedroom.

I think she thought I wasn’t bothered enough so she brought out the big guns!   She started accusing me of sleeping with her husband!  Yes that’s right, my FATHER IN LAW.  I have to give dad credit, he wouldn’t stop her from tormenting me but wouldn’t take part in it either.  In fact he would eat dinner with me and compliment my culinary skills.  I try to please Sunny and dad through food and cleanliness.  It was working.  On the flip side my MIL was starting to go insane whenever anyone complimented me.

For example when family/friends would come visit I would get the following compliments:

We want a daughter in law exactly like her; does she have a sister for our family?

Her food is incredible, where did she learn to cook like that in her young age?

She is absolutely beautiful, you guys are so lucky that Raj found such a beauty; the kids are going to be gorgeous!

No wonder you didn’t tell us about her before you were hiding the treasure until the wedding day!

Not only is she great in the kitchen, she is so respectful and polite! Beauty and brains.  I wish my daughter in law was like that.

She is so kind and she is domesticated, how did you find her? She always sits with us as her family, you are so lucky to have her in your family.

She is great with the kids, seniors and us! A perfect fit for you and she is pleasant with a knack for cooking!

The list goes on. Mostly people were very interested if there was a clone of me for their son.  My mother in law would seethe at these questions.  She wanted everyone to despise me, the exact opposite would happen.  EVERYONE loved me and who I was inside and out.  The girls and women would gather around me and shower me with love and affection.  Amongst them, I felt like I was special and mattered.  The uncles would voice their admiration for me how I carried myself in the family.  The young men looking for advice on life, mostly girls 🙂

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One day, dad and I were sitting at the table eating our dinner and out of nowhere she starts yelling at me about stealing her husband.

untitled.pngShe is screaming at me saying I’ve stolen him and she sees how other men look at me and for dad I am easy access so it makes sense, right? NO! Dad and I are equally shocked at the allegation of us sleeping together.  I treated him like a girl treats her dad.  We laughed, cried and at times were silly together ( I would paint his toenails, braid his hair, massage his legs, cut his toenails….) She went crazy on the two of us, Dad did defend himself and said I was a child AND Raj’s wife, what plain nonsense but she wouldn’t have it.  He tried, I know he did, but in the end gave up and walked away from the table.   That was the last day dad ever ate a meal with me by himself.  She had become completely unraveled.  I remember her saying, no one should have a pretty daughter in law they are all sluts, never trust a young girl around an old man, he gave me money as payment (That was cheap payment! All I got from that payment was ice cream or candy) both dad and I were mortified.

From that day forward, that man would leave the area if we were ever alone; in fact he actually stopped talking to me for more than a full year. We would only talk about necessary things.  Relatives continued to praise me (they still do!) and he would agree with them, just not with the same enthusiasm as he did before.  He was too scared of her to love me as his daughter.

So now she had theory about me, I was sleeping with my father in law, how disgusting was that! I never told Raj about it at the time because I was afraid that maybe a part of him just might believe her, no point in planting things in his mind.  Raj has recently just learned about some accusations such as these, he was actually shocked his mom had been tormenting me to this degree.   She is, was and always will be an ugly person inside and out.

Who makes those kinds of assumptions? Of all the men in the world why would I choose my father in law to have an affair with??? 

Almost 21, I had beauty and age on my side, I would definitely have not picked him!

Venya♥

#metoo Crippled

I feel like I’m completely crippled by #metoo.  Like a princess in her castle with no escape route.  Daily torture by the king of the castle, it isn’t even good enough for him.  He must see me being broken visibly for him to be able to digest his food and smile.

Broken and shattered with a glimmer of hope.

#metoo is a great movement but how can women of abuse actually be helped?  I’m a #metoo supporter and I’ve been abused so many times that its become my “normal”.  This movement has got me thinking more than ever how to live my life on my terms.  I get all pumped up and then there is my reality.  After the #metoo walks and discussions I go back to the nightmare, my personal hell.  Empowered, liberated and hopeful are feelings when I’m surrounded by those who share my view.  Devalued, hopeless, powerless and sad are what I feel like when I go back ‘home’.  The walks and talks haven’t helped me fix my physical situation which require money.

A modest income, 2 teen kids and bills that would make anyone throw up (on a budget).  How am I supposed to “leave”.  Living and children expenses are holding me hostage in  a home that is killing me slowly!  I’m not even asking for much, I would like to be able to pay for rent with normal expenses that come with living and supporting my 2 teens.  NOT POSSIBLE!  After careful analysis of my income vs my expenses, NOT POSSIBLE.

I have a decent job, with good moral/values topped off with  a love for life served with a forever smile and I won’t be able to make it financially.  Because of the financial need I will have to continue to let him torture, belittle, play mind games and kill me from the inside out.

I have done everything “right” in my life and yet I might have to put my kids on a pull out sofa in a rodent infested home.  Not sure how I ended up like this but could really use a break universe!

I know I’m not as stupid as he tells the kids.  I may not be slim but I know that I’m not as revolting as he convinces me some days.  Useless to him as he points out daily, but I know I’m not.  Others complimenting me, he tells me people always tell the ugly they are pretty to make themselves feel better.  Anyone can cook, it’s not like your cooking gourmet meals – he’s right, I don’t cook gourmet meals but dammit I try almost 7 night a weeks to cook from scratch!

We need a movement that helps all victims who are stuck in awful situations to get out and not have to starve or go on the system.  Yes I can get another job and never be home, who will raise the kids?  Who will see if they are okay if I’m not there?  Kids need parents to raise them not to raise themselves.

Feeling hopeless with no options  happens to many on a daily basis, it breaks us.  We continue to live lives we can’t take anymore but we somehow manage to do so.  We show the world we can, just barely.

What changes can we make world where people don’t have to stay in abusive situations because of money?  Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does buy us the freedoms we need to live a normal life.  Money is very important otherwise millions of people wouldn’t be stuck in shitty situations.

Venya♥

Work saved my sanity

Being a working woman was exhilarating especially since I didn’t have to be home with his parent 24/7! I loved going to work, putting on a uniform, putting on my makeup, looking the part of someone who was necessary in this world.  This was the best thing I ever did for myself, get a job where I could be outside the home and have some sort of socializing!  I made many friends at my new haven.  Men, women, their families and random strangers, I was full to the brim with love from others.  I was full of life and usually the life of the party when I was outside of my in laws home.  When people left my presence they usually remembered me for some time afterwards.

In the presence of people I was (and still am) in my element, I thrived and I grew as a person.

I am meant to be with people all the time, (Indian Oprah) I know this is my path! When I look back to when I was a little girl, even then people were drawn to me.  My parents didn’t like it but it was true, I was outgoing and chatty.  I engaged EVERYONE into conversations the grocery store employees, the seniors, babies, people at my gurdwara, relatives etc.  If they would let me, I would talk with them.

This new found freedom of working outside of the home was something else. It’s like looking up at the sun, eyes closed and really feeling the love from the sun while taking deep breaths being thankful for this universe and all it has to offer.

But, when it was time to go back home, my stomach would go into a frenzy with anxiety as soon as I could see the house in the distance. I would get worried about what was going to happen to me today?  Was it the silent treatment, a slap, demeaning words or was it going to be small talk?

How is it that a nice house from the outside could hold such ugly secrets? Did anyone have the ability to see thru the house and see all the secrets it held?  Did anyone walking by that house ever hear my screams of terror or the yelling matches that were as frequent as the sun rising?  Could they sense that something wasn’t right behind the closed doors?  Did it really have to be this way?  Could they hear my blood curdling screams in the middle of the nights from my night terrors?  Why did I have this double life and what had I done to deserve it?

He was still with his girlfriend, over a year into my marriage with him and I still hadn’t won him over. How did I know?  Because she had actually become my friend, young and stupid me wanted to know about her and him together as a couple.  There was a part of me that studied her to see if I could be like her.  That was not going to happen!  Her and I were quite opposite in looks and demeanor.

He continued to hit me or throw me around the walls when he felt like it. His parents (mostly mom) were emotionally abusive towards me.  I was tormented by them daily as a team against Venya’s existence.

How can everyone outside this house love me so much while everyone outside it loved me??? What was I doing so wrong that they treated me like an unworthy piece of shit?

His brother was my best friend inside the house. During the course of my marriage, he had been a confidante.  He saw everything, heard everything yet said he couldn’t do anything more for me except rip his brother off me whenever “it got to be too much.”  I talked to him about everything; he told me everything about his life.  Sunny was  a little brother to me, helpless yet trying to help me.

I was pulling this double life role off without a hitch! No one would have EVER guessed my home life situation (some to this day don’t know!).  Could they really not see the sadness in my eyes?  Were they oblivious to my pain?  I thought people were able to read people’s unhappiness?

Life became a cycle: Get up, make sure I look presentable, do my household duties for/with my mother in law, go to work (sheer enjoyment!) come home (anxiety starts), maybe get into an argument with my husband or his family, sex(dependent of moods), and go to sleep.  Repeat.

For those of you wondering, yes I had sex with him. Why?  Because as a living mammal I had needs and there was a big part of me that was trying to win him.  Sex and food were supposed to be guaranteed ways to secure a man, right?  And I actually like sex…

6 months into having a job, I was getting the hang of “the cycle” and was just keeping my head above water. On the other side my mother in law was growing angry because I was in some sort of routine and seemed fairly happy.

That woman, to this day, cannot handle anyone being happy but her, so she started destroying me in a way I had never imagined….

Venya♥

My first job after I got married

1 year had passed and I was finally ALLOWED to go work outside of the home! I was sooo excited that I had secured a job and really loved it!  It was so liberating to go into the real world everyday by myself without my mother in law or husband with me.  To  the bus, I skipped the whole way, smiling ear to ear.  I was like Happy out of the 7 little dwarfs, hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.  Determined to do something other than be treated like crap I got up with excitement  and purpose every morning because at some point I was going to be out of the house and be myself without having to put on an act or be submissive.  Joining the workforce was very easy, I have an outgoing friendly personality so making friends and learning are second nature.  I loved that I was “on – training” at work, how important was that?!?!  I was surrounded by many beautiful people that I looked forwarded to seeing every day.

The first 2 weeks of work went relatively well at home. I would get up in the morning, do my household chores and then I would go to work, missing all the evening drama at home!  Instead I would be laughing with all sorts of people and enjoying what freedom felt like.  Keeping up with the household duties were a must or else I knew I would be asked to quit going to work and I couldn’t risk that.  Getting up early and then I would run around cleaning up the mess of the previous night because my fat ass mother in law left things on purpose to teach me a lesson.  Me being young = being the energizer bunny.  I would do all my chores and take her wherever she needed to go before my shift and then, it was like, see you later suckers!

Raj and I saw less of each other but I was less lonely than I had been being with his family every day. We hadn’t really fought those few weeks,  I was getting into the groove being a married working woman.  I think he also liked me being busy, less chances of me investigating his whereabouts and asking questions like a detective.  He and I didn’t really talk during my first few weeks of working but at least we weren’t fighting.  I was content with that, married but alone yet happy!

Our fighting restarted when I received my first pay check. I, naïve and stupid, went home and showed my husband my pay check.  He was very excited for me to have a pay cheque.  I then went and told his parents about my first pay check and that I would be ordering dinner with my money.  The paying part was okay but it was not okay that I had a real paycheck.  His mom made a strong statement about how daughter in laws need to hand over their pay checks to their mother in laws to run the houses expenses.  She demanded it again and I didn’t really respond to that.  She repeated herself a couple of times, but I was just thinking that I’m the one who went to work so I should keep it not her!

When I was a young girl I saw my parents had one bank account and shared all expenses, my dad handled all the money. My mom didn’t work so I guess it made sense.  Now as married young woman, my mother and father had reminded me that my paychecks need to go to my husband as he is head of the relationship.  I subtly protested and my parents firmly told me nice girls don’t set up separate bank accounts from their husbands.  I was actually okay giving my money over for the greater good as a couple.

As instructed by my parents and after thinking about what I had grown up around, I handed over my first paycheck blindly to my husband. At the time it was just a paycheque, when I look back, I had actually handed him my freedom and did so every 2 weeks.  I would get a weekly allowance from him and that was all that I would/could spend and the rest was going to the future.  In fairness to him, I did receive more money when I needed and I was never without anything I needed.  In fact, I was spoiled materially and still am…

Although I gave him my pay, he still didn’t have any more respect for me. There was a place in my mind and heart that I hoped he would maybe love me now that I was earning money for “us”.  I wasn’t as useless as he was saying or they were saying.  No such luck, our fighting continued. 

At this point I don’t really remember a harsh fight where it got physical.  He kept seeing his girlfriend; I kept up with the housework and worked outside the home.  I was happy with the people at work, we ate, laughed and lived.  To the naked eye I had a life that was going in the right direction.  20, with a handsome husband, (who had a respectable job), working, lived with the in laws and was always happy.  At times even I thought I was living the life that others believe I had.  Some days I actually forgot that I was in an abusive relationship and that at any given time I would be slapped across the face or would be humiliated by him and his family.  There many days that I was actually happy (rose colored glasses).  On top of that I was constantly competing for my husbands acceptance and attention with his girlfriend AND mother!!!

I was, am and forever will be an optimistic person.

Venya♥

First Year Wedding Anniversary

Holy shit a whole year has passed by?!?!? Married to an abusive man with a girlfriend on the side, whose family is equally horribly, has gone by and I’m still alive.  Reaching the 1 year mark was bittersweet.

I felt very much accomplished because I was still standing despite all the efforts from his and his family breaking me down. There were many times over the last year that I thought I wasn’t going to last, but I did.  My failed attempt at suicide felt like it was a punishment.  Despite being optimistic, I actually didn’t want to live anymore.  I was being held hostage by him and his family and my parents had thrown out the get of jail card before I could hide it.  Due to all the turmoil I couldn’t think straight anymore as myself, I was always thinking as an abused woman.  Me, Venya had started living in fear, fear of almost everything.  I knew this was not normal but I was adapting to my environment. I didn’t want to be married to his guy but was getting used to it.   This past year was not what I had ever thought in my entire existence that I would endure, but I did.  Life really is full of surprises; I’ve learned all surprises are not all good.

It was mixed feelings, I was proud that I had made it and I was stronger than I had thought, but was so ashamed that an abusive marriage was my reality.

Despite being beaten up physically, emotionally and humiliated over the last year by them I was still smiling. The bruises throughout the had healed but the trauma was etched in my core.  Headaches over the year have subsided but the throbbing was always there.  A full year of cruel words that had been hurled at me were still lingering all around me like a heavy cloud.

The invited guests to my 1st year wedding anniversary party were completed clueless as to what has taken place over the last year.  In the very house they were standing in and having a great time was where all many secrets were buried.

My new pink sari looked classy and elegant on me as I was bombarded with compliments from family and friends. To me the hot pink signified the blood that at times had run out of my body because Raj had hit me too hard.Pink-Saree-Fashionable

 

The new gold earrings that mother in law gifted to me were admired by the ladies in the room. To me the earrings were more weight on my ears that I was going to have to carry.  My ears were already burdened by the name calling and emotional abuse I heard from my in laws.

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My perfectly painted nails to match my sari, at the request of my mother in law, reminded me how I would beg him to stop abusing me with my hands in prayer position. He only stopped when he felt like it, never at my pleading.

The walls that had been decorated held the secrets of my body being thrown against while leaving behind my tears without a trace.

The bathroom was spotless, except for the memories it had of me hiding in there over the past year. Crying, curled up in the fetal position and asking ‘why me’.  The mirror showing me the image of a broken young girl and to the guests it showed them nothing short of flawless

I looked like the perfect wife/daughter/ daughter in law. So put together, smiling and mingling with everyone.  Laughing and eating with both sides of the families, kissing the young ones and engaging the older ones.  In general I looked very happy.

He also looked like the perfect husband, grinning from ear to ear, accepting the teasing remarks from his family and friends about his beautiful wife, making small talk with me here and there.

Then there were the in laws who were putting on an amazing show for the guests. They were mostly accepting of the compliments others were giving them about their fantastic daughter in law.  “She cooks so well, how respectful she is of her elders, she is beautiful, she has the perfect Indian nose (yes it’s a thing in our culture), she is polite to all age groups, her hair is amazing, we want a daughter in law just like her, does she have any sisters, your family is very lucky to have such a girl etc.”  The compliments flowed all night like champagne does on New Year’s Eve.  My father in law not once faltered on the image of happy family, but my mother in law did make a few snide comments.  She couldn’t help but be jealous of all the positive attention I was getting.  She made a couple of comments, one I will never forget and she has used too many times for me to forget.

“Sometimes people shine from the outside but inside they are nothing but coal.  Don’t look at her from the outside, she is very different when you live with her, trust me I know, she is not anything special.  A person doesn’t really know a person until you live together and I live with her, she’s not that good.”

When it was time to cut the cake, I once again, couldn’t help but be excited! I have a hard time being mad and angry and plus I loved cake!  I let things slide and that is/was part of the problem, Raj took advantage of that to be with his girlfriend.

What people were seeing was a couple who were so happy to be together, they were both beaming!  They saw a loving family gathered as one with their family and friends to celebrate the past and many more years to come.  They saw a young woman who had fit perfectly into this family through an arranged marriage and was thriving.  They saw proud parents who were the envy of others in the room.  They saw a complete lie, because that’s what they wanted to see.  Most of the people there did know about Raj’s girlfriend but not a single person let on they knew about her.  It was easier to go along with the lie rather than tell the truth and stand up for injustice against women, not everyone has it in them to blow the whistle.

That evening nothing really went wrong, we put on a fantastic show for everyone. I hadn’t forgotten what hadn’t worked out over the last year, I had chosen to enjoy the evening and just be happy.  I hadn’t been happy enough throughout the year and I deserved this night.  The past year had been a shit show and I was looking forward to a much better year than the last.  This next year I was going to get rid of his girlfriend, stop him and his family from abusing me and focus on working to gain my life back.

Year 1 complete, how many more to go before I’m free????

Venya♥