The first time I tried…

After the New Year’s Eve party I felt alive and positive!  The feeling of being loved and satisfied with life’s surprises was absolute bliss.  This lasted for as long as it possibly could have and then the fighting and tears started again.  I hated being there, I hated his girlfriend, I hated his family and most of all I hated my family for giving me up to this family of assholes.  According to Raj I still wasn’t allowed to work outside the home as I was to get to know his family, so I was stuck with them 24/7.

It was nice that his brother and I had bonded and we were buddies living under the roof. Our relationship was kept a secret from the parents for the most part.  They knew we talked and exchanged secrets but they could have never the guessed of the depth of our conversations.  He would continually report back to me how his mom hated me, wished for a better daughter in law, her friends even disliked me.  He was my source of the ‘what’s going on in the house’.   I liked to get the scoop but really it was destroying me with every word I heard against me.

Things were up and down daily. Some days I felt like I was okay mentally and other days I didn’t.  At times he would attack me physically and his family would pretend they couldn’t hear my cries, other times he would take me for dinner or shopping.    I didn’t know how I was going to make it as his wife or if I was going to make it at all!!!

Before I knew it, Mother’s Day was around the corner. It would be my first Mother’s Day as a daughter in law!  I knew I had to do something pretty spectacular to impress his mom.  I started, like usual, making plans about how I was going to impress them.  I really wanted both of the moms to be there so I could have an evening with my own mother.  So I asked Raj if I could arrange a dinner at our house with both families.  He had no problem with it!  I was so excited!! Both moms together, this was going to be fantastic!

I invited my parents over and let them know this would be a dinner.  My parents being so traditional tried to decline but I emotionally blackmailed them into agreeing to come for the dinner.  Yay!  They had said yes, time to shop.  Raj, like usual, put no limit on me buying for the moms, so I went all out.  I bought both of them a 24k gold ring each, an Indian suit and flowers.  (Everything was identical)  That evening some other people showed up unexpectedly and I ran out and got her a suit and some flowers as well, after all she is someone’s mother!  We had decided to order in pizza, as that was a favourite amongst the parents.

The evening was going as planned. My siblings had both come, his brother was in attendance and I had made lots of appetizers and chai.  Things were going rather smoothly.

We decided that we would let the moms open their presents together, so we handed them their packages.  My mom was so happy and insisting for us to take back the rings.  According to her we had spent too much money.  Then there was the reaction of my mother in law who did NOT seem pleased at all.  I asked her if she was happy and her response blew me away.

“As the mother of Raj, how come I don’t have more than your mother got? Why is everything exactly the same, I’m the son’s mom!  This is nothing, other girls do much more for their in laws!  You shouldn’t have even done this, unless you were going to give me something of value.”  She turns to my mom, “ Bhenji (sister) don’t you agree, I should get more than you do because I bore a son and you had a daughter?”  My mom of course agreed with her stupidity.

What a greedy fucking bitch! Once again, I Venya, was completely crushed.  I defended myself saying I wanted to keep the moms equal so no one feels inferior to the other.  She fought me on this.  “Stupid girl, you have to live in this house, not with your mom.  You should be giving us more than you give them.” 

My whole world was spinning, could I do ANYTHING right? I didn’t know what to do except cry, how had I fucked up Mother’s day???  After everyone left I started thinking about things and how ungrateful they were or was there something really wrong with me??  What was I doing that was so horrible that they couldn’t see anything positive in me?  20 years old, arranged marriage and trying harder than I had ever had to to impress people and I was failing miserably.

I sucked as wife, as a daughter in law and as a daughter. Who wanted or needed me anyway?  No one!  This mayhem had to end one way or another.  I needed to leave this marriage but my parents wouldn’t allow me back because of society pressures.  I had nowhere to go, I had no money and zero support emotionally.  To top things off, I had told no one the truth about my messed up life, what the fuck was I to do?!!?!?

There was only one way out that made sense to me. DEATH!!!  I went to the medicine cabinet with a glass of water in my head.  Grabbed every single bottle that I could find of whatever, and emptied it out into my mouth forcing all the pills down my throat while crying.  There, that should do it, game over.  Happy Mother’s day to you all! My gift to you, my disappearance.  My parents could be proud that I died and didn’t shame with a failed marriage,  my in laws could remarry Raj to a more suitable match and Raj could have a second chance at a marriage with a person of his choice.

With a stomach full of pills, I went to my bed to go to sleep forever, peacefully…


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