I went to bed to go to sleep forever peacefully; that was my genuine intent. It didn’t go as smoothly as I wished it had. My stomach was reacting to the overload of prescription and over the counter pills. My body was over heating at a very fast pace, I felt like I was going to explode I became so hot internally. My body wanted to throw up all the pills that I had ingested, but I was fighting it, I was going to win this battle. I wanted to let the pills do the job of ending my life as soon as possible.
20 years old and I didn’t want to live anymore. I had an arranged marriage to a man at the tender age of 19 who was in love with someone else. I was constantly told I wasn’t good enough by him AND his family. My parents never really wanted to hear about any bad times I had gone through, they would change the subject if I ever brought anything up. I guess they felt if they ignored my problems they would go away?
My mother in law advertised to the world how I was not a good match for Raj or the family. She was thoroughly disappointed with me as a human being and wasn’t shy about telling anyone. Raj continually cheated on me with his girlfriend (although he never admitted it). His girlfriend was sure to let me know how their evening or the last 2 days were. She “kept me in the loop” about her love with my husband. I was tormented by her all the time!
I felt like I had no one and nowhere to go. Now 20, I didn’t have a job, so no money that I had access to. I didn’t really have any friends of my own, they were hand me downs from Raj’s circle of people. I was belittled and picked apart by him and his family almost daily. I couldn’t tell anyone or I would be the laughing stock, even if I did tell what could anyone do for me anyway? Pity me and then I would be on my own anyway???
My parents basically gave me away because they didn’t want the burden of daughter anymore. My dad didn’t want to waste time, money or energy on educating a girl who would only serve her husband’s family. I was awarded almost 5K in scholarship monies which my dad didn’t let me use, because “I could go to school when I got married.” From the age of 18 until marriage, I must have received hundreds of marriage proposals. Although my parents were proud that I was sought after, it also made them nervous that I would be “ruined” if left single for too long. So I was paraded around like a show pony from house to house trying to find a suitable match for me. I had declined 7 men and broke off one engagement only to fall in the hands of Raj, #8.
I had everything going for me! I was a very well rounded young women: smart, intelligent, honest, pretty, organized, good morals and values, never smoked, drank or meddled with drugs, loved her parents and extremely sociable. All these attributes of mine told my parents I would become too independent and strong fast, before that happened she needed to be tied up to another man. Being strong willed, compassionate, smart and charming had turned into a curse for me. My parents arranged my marriage because they couldn’t handle my strength, ambitions and independence.
Since I was married, I had become weak, vulnerable, pitiful, and felt sorry for myself all the time. This is not the way I wanted to live my life! I was meant to be a strong, independent woman who was supposed to contribute a household and society as a positive person not a crybaby! I had planned on being a successful woman, not hiding and crying all the time while I was black and blue!
I didn’t want to stay up any more nights wondering where Raj was and if he was coming home.
I couldn’t hear how awful I was in every way from my in laws anymore. They picked my body apart; they told people of ill-mannered I was, I was told how stupid I was, thoughtless and no good for nothing. I didn’t want to do this anymore. It was hard to smile through a session of aunties talking about me as if I wasn’t there about I was not a good daughter in law.
I didn’t want to go to sleep crying anymore, or asking God, why me?
All I wanted was a family, a place to belong, someone/somewhere to call home. I never signed up to be beaten by a man or have his family treat me like shit. I didn’t want this life anymore. As a little girl, I had imagined I would have a successful life, I had dreamed of attending university and meeting the man of my dreams who would create a family/life with me. I was supposed to be the Indian Oprah, making positive changes and touching peoples lives for the better. I was going to create a beautiful life for me and those around me.
This ugly marriage was never what I wanted or expected. I wanted out and I wanted it now!
The amount of pills in my body was overwhelming for it to handle. Without warning my body got up and ran to the bathroom and just in time, threw up in the toilet bowl. I was so dizzy and weak, my mind was falling asleep but my body was still moving. I made my way out of the bathroom and then I fainted in the hallway, I don’t remember all of it but I do remember being brought back to bed by Raj. I remember him asking what was wrong, I was fine an hour ago and what was going on. I said I didn’t feel well and too leave me alone.
At some point my sister came into my room, very concerned about me. She said I was foaming at the mouth and investigated in what was wrong. I told her what I had done, I wanted to die and let me just die. There was no value in my life, I couldn’t do anything right and no one needed or loved me. I felt like a complete waste of human flesh, just useless. Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me come back home, this home wasn’t home, I had no choice. She made me drink water; I was throwing up and foaming at the mouth. Raj and his family were very confused as to what was happening. I don’t remember much of that experience except I was ready to give up on life. If it wasn’t for my sister, making me throw up and taking me the doctor, I think I may have died. There was no part of me that wanted to live this ugly life, why hadn’t she just let me die?
That was my first attempt at suicide.