I almost died, but didn’t

That was my first attempt at suicide and obviously, I was unsuccessful. The feelings of hopelessness, unworthiness and drowning were just too intense for me to cope with.  It felt like there was no other choice but to give up and make a clean break from this once beautiful world which had turned ugly on me literally overnight.

I was 20, in an abusive arranged marriage, and constantly told by my parents “it was going to be alright”.

When I looked at the my broken face, the dark bruises fading and my heart feeling weak, I couldn’t comprehend what I had done so terribly wrong in this lifetime that I had ended up like this.  I was a mess most days and couldn’t stop crying myself to sleep most nights.


I lay in bed nauseous and unwell in particular thinking, Simran (my sister) why didn’t you just let me die??? Why did you have to find me?  I genuinely don’t want to be here, living this way.  My body was trying to get rid of the toxins that the prescription and non-prescription pills had left behind.   I felt like a truck had hit me.  Everything and nothing was right, I felt almost paralyzed.  The paralysis may be from the pills or from my emotional pain, never did figure it out.  My body was not happy with me, nor was my head or my heart.  Is there anything I could right in this world???  Even my body was mad at me!


All the bad times that had led me to this very moment were on repeat in my head like a bad movie. It hadn’t even been a year of this awful marriage and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I knew I would try again.  Why didn’t they just treat me somewhat decently?  My situation would have been more tolerable if either him or his family treated me somewhat okay.  Problem was I got it from all ways, and that is why they say you marry the whole family not just the guy.

I didn’t want to get slapped, punched, belittled, spit on or humiliated anymore! I didn’t want to get blamed for everything that went wrong in that house.  Why was I blamed for my husband’s bad behaviour towards not only me but towards his own family?  Thinking about the tortures to come made me physically ill.  I just wanted to die in bed and never have to face anyone again.  This house was toxic, no one was kind to one another.  They were rude mean and talked about one another behind each other’s backs.  I didn’t want to be a part of this anymore, I was not cut out for this type of cruelty L

I was so ashamed to be who I had morphed into in less than a year of my marriage. For someone who was supposed to be the successful one out of the family was now the most pathetic one, me. I was supposed to go to school and become something!  Not trying to kill myself because I couldn’t handle it anymore!

What the fuck was I going to do? I was stuck and could not see a way out.  Why me universe?  Why me????  How was I going to survive?

In the middle of my thoughts and self-pity, I hear the door knob turning. I gather myself as quickly as I can and barely respond to Raj who is asking if I need anything.  I mumble out a “I’m fine, I don’t need anything”.  Why is he even asking, he doesn’t even care!  He should go ask how is mom or girlfriend are doing!

What I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs was, “I want you to let me go, I want you to stop hitting me and making me feel like I have done something wrong. You and your family have to stop tormenting me with your words and hands!  Set me free, and go be with your girlfriend.  Tell your mom that I’m not her punching bag!  Cut me loose dammit, and never look back! 

I never said anything and crawled back under the covers.


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