The once bubbly, outgoing girl who was going to conquer the world, was being silenced by the violent abuse behind closed doors. Not every day was horrible or bad, but it definitely wasn’t an ideal life! There were some days when he wasn’t busy with his girlfriend that he made some time to take me out and about. Most days I tried to keep myself entertained with music, sports, cooking and whatever came to me. Mother’s Day had passed (absolute fail!) and not too long after would be my birthday! Yay 🙂 Time to celebrate me, for once I’d be the center of attention!
After my failed attempt at suicide (he didn’t know about it) I had made a decision to try to live a happier life despite the circumstances. I needed to move on with my life with or without my husband while still living with him and his fucked up family. I had expressed to Raj that I was a big birthday celebrator and I wanted to do something for my birthday. I knew that he would do something even if it was just a dinner. I must admit I had a hard time hiding my excitement for my birthday.
My birthday rolled around and I couldn’t contain my excitement just like a small child with their parents. I was in love with cakes and parties (still am!); nothing would have made me happier than just that. Raj had understood that about me and didn’t really think that was all that wonderful, he accepted that I was young and childlike so would entertain the talks about it.
His mom gifted me this really ugly and cheap suit and acted like it was worth a million dollars! She apparently didn’t have time to get me a cake, I LOVE CAKE! I must say I was disappointed even though I shouldn’t have expected anything different. I really truly am an optimist, even to this day I am. Being who I am, I appreciated whatever it was.
Side note: Later in the evening Raj did buy me a cake.
The evening consisted of a 5 star dinner with a luxurious gift topped off with some sex. Some would die for a night like this and be ever grateful for it, I wasn’t impressed.
My perspective was, the dinner was nice but not necessary especially when I ate without him so many nights. I would have rather had an average dinner and then also have many more dinners with love in the atmosphere. Better yet, would be that he no longer have any other dinners with his girlfriend.
The gift was very beautiful but again I’d rather be loved and respected than bought materially. I wish he would stop spending money his girlfriend, I don’t even need anything if he would just stop spoiling her. The gift becomes meaningless when you know it’s most likely a pity gift, she probably got the exact same thing.
The sex was just a human need there was no love in it, just a quick fix for the release of endorphins. Sex is just sex, at that time I would have preferred to make love to the man who loved me.
All in all it was a good birthday if you look at it logically, but it was just meaningless that’s all.
What I’m most thankful for is he didn’t hit me, didn’t verbally abuse me or make me feel like shit on my first birthday as his wife. Maybe he wasn’t that bad???