Work saved my sanity

Being a working woman was exhilarating especially since I didn’t have to be home with his parent 24/7! I loved going to work, putting on a uniform, putting on my makeup, looking the part of someone who was necessary in this world.  This was the best thing I ever did for myself, get a job where I could be outside the home and have some sort of socializing!  I made many friends at my new haven.  Men, women, their families and random strangers, I was full to the brim with love from others.  I was full of life and usually the life of the party when I was outside of my in laws home.  When people left my presence they usually remembered me for some time afterwards.

In the presence of people I was (and still am) in my element, I thrived and I grew as a person.

I am meant to be with people all the time, (Indian Oprah) I know this is my path! When I look back to when I was a little girl, even then people were drawn to me.  My parents didn’t like it but it was true, I was outgoing and chatty.  I engaged EVERYONE into conversations the grocery store employees, the seniors, babies, people at my gurdwara, relatives etc.  If they would let me, I would talk with them.

This new found freedom of working outside of the home was something else. It’s like looking up at the sun, eyes closed and really feeling the love from the sun while taking deep breaths being thankful for this universe and all it has to offer.

But, when it was time to go back home, my stomach would go into a frenzy with anxiety as soon as I could see the house in the distance. I would get worried about what was going to happen to me today?  Was it the silent treatment, a slap, demeaning words or was it going to be small talk?

How is it that a nice house from the outside could hold such ugly secrets? Did anyone have the ability to see thru the house and see all the secrets it held?  Did anyone walking by that house ever hear my screams of terror or the yelling matches that were as frequent as the sun rising?  Could they sense that something wasn’t right behind the closed doors?  Did it really have to be this way?  Could they hear my blood curdling screams in the middle of the nights from my night terrors?  Why did I have this double life and what had I done to deserve it?

He was still with his girlfriend, over a year into my marriage with him and I still hadn’t won him over. How did I know?  Because she had actually become my friend, young and stupid me wanted to know about her and him together as a couple.  There was a part of me that studied her to see if I could be like her.  That was not going to happen!  Her and I were quite opposite in looks and demeanor.

He continued to hit me or throw me around the walls when he felt like it. His parents (mostly mom) were emotionally abusive towards me.  I was tormented by them daily as a team against Venya’s existence.

How can everyone outside this house love me so much while everyone outside it loved me??? What was I doing so wrong that they treated me like an unworthy piece of shit?

His brother was my best friend inside the house. During the course of my marriage, he had been a confidante.  He saw everything, heard everything yet said he couldn’t do anything more for me except rip his brother off me whenever “it got to be too much.”  I talked to him about everything; he told me everything about his life.  Sunny was  a little brother to me, helpless yet trying to help me.

I was pulling this double life role off without a hitch! No one would have EVER guessed my home life situation (some to this day don’t know!).  Could they really not see the sadness in my eyes?  Were they oblivious to my pain?  I thought people were able to read people’s unhappiness?

Life became a cycle: Get up, make sure I look presentable, do my household duties for/with my mother in law, go to work (sheer enjoyment!) come home (anxiety starts), maybe get into an argument with my husband or his family, sex(dependent of moods), and go to sleep.  Repeat.

For those of you wondering, yes I had sex with him. Why?  Because as a living mammal I had needs and there was a big part of me that was trying to win him.  Sex and food were supposed to be guaranteed ways to secure a man, right?  And I actually like sex…

6 months into having a job, I was getting the hang of “the cycle” and was just keeping my head above water. On the other side my mother in law was growing angry because I was in some sort of routine and seemed fairly happy.

That woman, to this day, cannot handle anyone being happy but her, so she started destroying me in a way I had never imagined….

Venya♥

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