Was it necessary?

He looked at me square in the eye and slapped me right across the face. What the fuck had just happened!?!?!  Did he just slap me because I was initiating sex with him???  I was so embarrassed and horrified!

I remember cupping my cheek with my hand with tears streaming down my face.  Is this what happens after marriage when one person isn’t interested in sex???  They hit each other?   Are we not supposed use words to say no?  Did this happen to all the girls?  Why was he so angry with me, all I tried to do is make my husband happy by offering myself to him.  Did he treat the other girl like this too?  Did he hit her too when he didn’t like something about her? My dad had promised me he was a good guy from a great family who would take care of me!!!

My head was spinning with so many questions but mostly I was scared of him.   There I was, in my silk turquoise negligée crying and quivering with shock, that’s not what I had expected when I was getting dressed for him. All I could do is stare at him or at the bed and cry, still no words were coming out of my mouth. Why did he have to slap me so hard?!?!? What did I do that was so wrong that he slapped me like that? My dad hadn’t even slapped me like that in my entire life! No one had EVER hit me like that! WHY?!?!

As I was writing this I just took a moment and stared at my keyboard while taking myself back to that moment. Run Venya run is what I’m presently thinking. No young woman deserved to be treated like that especially since she was turning a blind eye to all that was going on. His mom was a mother in law from hell, he was in love with another woman, his brother and dad pretending to nothing was going on in the house. He should have treated me like a queen for what I was putting up with thus far. Where does any man get the courage to hit a woman like that? Why do they think it’s okay to not only treat them badly emotionally but hurt them physically all the while they are the ones who are making ALL the mistakes?

Finally he broke the silence. “See what you made me do? I didn’t want to hit you but you forced me to! I’m not paying attention to you because I don’t want sex right now! What part of that did you not understand??? I have been ignoring you the whole time! Why are you crying now? You wanted a reaction, you got it! I fucking told you to stop and you didn’t you continued to press my buttons, you happy now??? Let me guess, I’m a bad person because you don’t get it when you’re not wanted?

I had nothing to say or do. I got up out of the bed that my parents had gifted me for my prosperous matrimony and had a good cry in the bathroom.   I washed my face to freshen up, looked in the mirror, I saw this ugly girl who couldn’t do anything right so far in her marriage. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot, my face sad and deranged with continuous tears still spilling out. This girl I was staring at had done nothing but create enemies and problems within her new family. She was so stupid! Why couldn’t her mother in law and husband get along with her ? Why, because she was stupid, clueless and didn’t know how to fit in anywhere. Maybe if she tried harder, things would get better for her. I went back to the bedroom, climbed into bed with my back to him and tried to fall asleep but couldn’t. My parents always had said not to go sleep mad, I wasn’t used to these sorts of awful good nights. My dad came into my room EVERY night and gave me a good night kiss. That kiss was replaced by my husband with a slap.

With my back turned to him I said, “I’m sorry, I was just trying to make you happy. I’m really very sorry.” I got no response from him, at some point I fell asleep thinking I how much I hate this marriage thing. Tomorrow will be a new day and of course I wasn’t about to tell anyone, this hit was especially embarrassing, it was over sex!

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Present day thoughts:

So let me get this right, I try to be intimate with my legal husband and he slaps me across the face to let me know he’s not interested, umm okay. On top of that he is blaming me for pushing him into hitting me?

Can you say ASSHOLE!?!?!?

He justified himself for treating me badly that night because, ‘he didn’t want to.’ Why didn’t he do that outside the house to other men who could fight for themselves ‘when he didn’t want to’ do whatever it was? Because its’ easier to pick on a girl who is naïve, gullible, 20, programmed to be a sheltered pleaser, and just young in general.

My whole life my parents had promised that marriage was some beautiful thing between two people. (My cheek can still feel the burn from Raj). I had imagined that I would marry a man who would want me and we would have endless sex and wake up with huge smiles. Growing up they constantly forbade me to be involved sexually with men, to save myself for the one. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to their advice!

Pre marriage sexual encounters gave me a sense of what’s right and wrong in bed. It gave me a comparison to what was good or bad. It gave me experiences with sex, good and bad. I think everyone should have sex with others before they get married especially if they are opting for an arranged marriage. If you choose an arranged marriage do you expect your sex life will be perfect, what if he’s a closet gay and marries you to cover up his sexual preference or impotent, or doesn’t know what to do with it, low stamina, deformed, STI’s ANYTHING could be wrong and then you’ve saved yourself for what?

What if you ‘save yourself’ and then end up with a dud? You have to live in celibacy or start to cheat on your spouse? We are humans; it’s natural for us to want to have sex. It’s not a dirty thing; it’s beautiful when with the right people. This is how we pro create; this is how the world keeps evolving, through sex. I think girls should have safe sex responsibly should they please to do so.

After marriage (mostly arranged marriage) there is no guarantee that ‘everything is going to be great’.   Hadn’t I had my experiences, I would have thought that sex was ugly, gross or violent. It’s none of that.

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-Venya ♥

The night of the silk turquoise negligée

I picked the prettiest silk turquoise negligée, put it on and entered the bedroom. I stood in the doorway just for a minute to see if I could capture his attention without saying word.  It didn’t work.  How could it not have worked?  I was freshly showered with coconut lotion all over my caramel skinned body, a scent strong enough to catch anyone’s attention.  My strong long legs were smooth as a baby’s bottom, with my hair tousled over my shoulders.  The lip glossed tasted like passion fruit paired perfectly with smoky eyes, which could resist?  The negligée formed to my body perfectly, outlining every single curve.   I could feel my nipples rubbing against the silk; I was aroused by the sensations. I wasn’t getting the welcome I thought I would get so I brought attention to me.

“Um, excuse me. Could you listen to what I have to say?”  He looked up and didn’t say a single word.  His eyes did all the talking, I saw him devouring my body with his eyes, perfect!  I turned around slowly and closed the door behind me letting him get a look at my back side.  I wanted him to take in the curves of my perfectly shaped ass and salivate just thinking about grabbing me around the waist from behind.  With my back still turned to him I looked down at the ground, exposing the nape of my neck.  I knew he loved seeing me exposed yet covered with next to nothing on my body.  “Are you just going to stand there with your back to me or you going to come to me?” I could hear the excitement in his voice.  “Your choice, you could either come to me or I can join you on the bed?”

Without answering me, he gets out of bed and presses up against me. He starts to kiss the back of my neck while holding on to my bare shoulders. I can feel the pressure building up from him on my back side.  I was already feeling very sexy and now I was starting to get ready for him between my legs.   His kisses started to trail down my body from behind with his hands parallel to his mouth.   He stops and pays extra attention to my lower back; he knows I’m super sensitive there.  I start to squirm in pleasure under his strong willing hands, waiting him to move on to the next part of me.  He grabs me by the hips and outlines my curves with roaming his hands.  Through my negligée he’s gently biting my back side while his hands have slipped under it, it’s driving me wild.   Throwing my head back, I hug the wall while feeling him pull my negligée up around my hips.  He starts to ravage my back side with his mouth, his mouth, tongue and gentle teeth are driving my senses in to over drive.  Standing on his knees he buries his face into my area, as though he couldn’t get deep enough he bend me over.  I love it when he devours me like a hungry animal!  My backside is no longer sufficient for him; he flips me over, still standing up against the wall.  Throwing one of my legs over his shoulder he goes down and eats me like he hasn’t had a meal in days.  His intensity for my pussy makes me want it even more.  Loosing myself in the sensation between my legs I moan and groan as he hits every nerve perfectly.  My head rested against the wall, arched back and his head in place with my hand, not wanting him to move an inch.

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I touch myself how I would want him to touch me, feeling my nipples under my hand. At this point I wish there were 2 men servicing my every need.  One man to be attentive to my hot wet pussy, the other kissing me wildly while I hang on to him as he touches me in all the right places, the 2 driving me to insanity. For now I will take this and enjoy it to its full potential, thoughts of a threesome continue in my head making me crazy for love.  Before I know what’s happening, I comes so hard, it exhaust me, my pussy throbbing with ecstasy at its lips.  He looks up at me, I can see my leftovers on his face, and I pull him up to me.  My musky scent is all over his face; I breathe it in and devour his lips laced with me.  My own scent is getting me aroused again, so much so I push him onto the bed and straddle him.  Through my turquoise negligée he feels my breasts, he sits up and playfully bites them through the silk.  I want more, I take it off and let him touch, bite and suck me as he pleases enjoying every touch.  He grabs my hair, pulls my head back biting my neck and breasts.  At the same time he’s slipped himself into me, I gently rock on top of him trying to get the most pleasure I can from this man.  He continues to kiss my passionately all over while I grind on top of him, I can feel myself coming again.  Already?!?!  His manhood was about to erupt as well, I could feel his hurried thrusts and the pulses within me got stronger.  He let out a sigh and before you knew it we were both done.  I stayed on top of him, intertwined, my legs around his back as he sat up, head on his shoulders with my arms wrapped around his neck.  We leaned into each other for support and I gently rocked on top as was still feeling the aftermath of the sex.  What a feeling to feel so wanted by a man and for him to devour every piece of me!  Out of this world!  Kissing with warmth and love we untangled ourselves from our sweaty bodies to underneath the sheets. I guess we both got what we wanted, thank you turquoise negligée!

Now back to reality, I got dressed in the silk turquoise negligée and slipped into bed beside him. This was a big risk, after all he wasn’t really mine, although I did have a piece of paper indicating he was my husband.  I tried to get his attention; he wouldn’t even really look at me.  I persistently but playfully tried to get him to interact with me.  He was too busy with his magazine and phone; there was no room for me.  My playfulness turned into hurt feelings.  My head was going crazy, was I really that ugly and unattractive?  If so then how come everywhere I went I got compliments?  If so, how come I had a mile long wedding proposals?  If so, they why had I always heard that I was the prettiest in the family?  If so why did people look and me and say I had all the right looks???  What was wrong with me?!?!?  I started to ask him what’s wrong with me, he said nothing. I sat up in bed and asked why he was ignoring me, his response was nothing.  I kept asking why he was doing this to me, I was too young at 20 to have this sort of treatment in the bedroom.

He looked at me square in the eyes and slapped me right across the face.

 

-Venya♥

I’m Trying!!!

Continuing to pretend that everything was great to world was my first acting gig for the world. Days and nights passed for the next few months in a blur.  I became an actress overnight without any formal training or lessons!!!  He went on with his routine of work, home and then play and my routine was:  home, home and home.  I had unofficially taken over all the household chores from his mom.  In some ways this was good, the chores kept me busy and distracted to how my life had unfolded.  Cooking cleaning and laundry kept me so busy, time flew by.  My in law are vegetarians, this means they will only eat vegetarian Indian food.  My lovely husband will NOT eat vegetarian food, a true meat eater.  My brother in law is a vegetarian but will NOT eat Indian food.  Do you see a little bit of conflict in cooking here???  I was literally making up to 4-6 dishes a day in hopes of meeting everyone’s needs to keep them happy.  This meant that after every session there was a sink full of dishes to do, yes, no one helped me.

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Most weekends there was company over at the house, they were my responsibility. Just to clarify I LOVED and still love having company over.  I enjoyed cooking for them and cleaning up after them.  I’m a natural nurturer so this was second nature to me.  What I didn’t like was when my mother in law would sit with the guests and criticize me indirectly and at times directly.  “This is too spicy, too much salt, left raw, roti is not round etc. “I would pretend I didn’t hear and keep going trying to please the guests.  Her words stung me every time because I was trying so hard to “be good” and she wouldn’t even TRY to notice my efforts.

I was making my father and brother in law happy in many ways. I would cook whatever they would ask of me.  I hung out with Sunny and we became buddies, actually good friends.  We would go for ice cream, walks around the neighborhood, shopping at the malls and do what normal 20 year old friends did together.  At times we would see the latest movies at home or at the theatres, what I enjoyed the most was our talks.  He told me many truths about his family that Raj nor his parents ever spoke to me about.  Raj’s dad was so easy to win over.  When he would come home from work, his cold glass of liquid was handed to him as he entered the house.  I would take his bag from him and unpack it.  As he would settle on the couch I would teasingly ask him questions about work, he really enjoyed the time, I knew he did.  Some days I would braid his next to nothing hair, give him facials, and even massage lotions on him.  I treated him as I had treated my own dad growing up, like a little girls daddy, my go to guy.  I would even clip his nails, pick out his outfits, tell him what to do and basically I started becoming his daughter.  I really truly feel like he took me as the daughter he wanted and needed but never had.   Every time he would see me he had the biggest smile on his face, and was so nice to me!  He would even brag to his friends and relatives about how lucky they were to have me in the family.  He would go on about my personality, cooking skills and most of all he would say, “she is good for our son”.  My mother in law was never pleased when he would brag about me, I could feel and see the scowl on her face, I tried to ignore it.

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I was accepted by his dad and brother but yet to be accepted by Raj himself. I made many attempts to get him to pay attention to me but I couldn’t get very far.  We were friends and had sex whenever we felt like it, nothing really more than that.  I was very sad, upset and extremely jealous of the other woman.  I would sit there for hours to figure out how I could win him over, what did she had that I didn’t have.  What could I become that would be enticing to him?  How could I please him enough that he would become mine?  At my tender age of 20, with no real life experience or real relationships prior to this, I thought food and sex.   I was already cooking up storms, trying new recipes, using mom’s recipes and really outdoing myself with the variety (wish someone would cook for me like that these days!!!).  We could have used some help in the bedroom.

I have always been a fan of great sex and the many experiences that come along with it. Yes it’s true,  Venya is a very sexual person. I enjoy sex and some days can’t get enough of it!  Sex for me was always been a real pleasure but it hadn’t been that pleasurable because of Raj.  Some nights I would throw myself at him and if he felt like it, he took the bait.  Other times he would reject me and send me in an emotional downward spiral.  We really didn’t really have much of a relationship so when you get rejected sexually it’s very heartbreaking.  Those were the can I do anything right moments.   I decided to take matters to the next level in the bedroom.  I went on a bit of a shopping spree for more lingerie ( already had plenty).  I picked out some pieces that I thought he would appreciate.  I was so proud of myself for shopping to please my husband; with hope in my heart I bought everything I thought would help us. Can money buy happiness??? After I got the bags past customs, my mother in law inspected everything I bought, I stashed it away waiting for the perfect moment.   That perfect moment came one night.  He had come home straight after work, had dinner with me and the family and seemed to be staying in.  So, I picked the prettiest silk turquoise negligée, put it on and entered the bedroom.

-Venya♥

 

First hit, the abusive kind…

That first slap across the face opened the door to many many more. Looking back, my biggest mistake was not calling the police the moment it occurred.  I should have screamed as loud as I could, hit him back, yelled for help and created such a scene that he would have been afraid to look at me again, but I didn’t. I was in disbelief that a man would hit a woman like that.  I grew up in a home where the husband never touched the woman in a negative manner.  I remember my parents hugging, my mom playing with my dad’s hair, my dad teasingly pinching my mom.  I had never witnessed, or knew anything about domestic abuse in a marriage.  My siblings and I were punished with slaps, Punjabi chittars, wooden spoons, etc,  but there had never been any sort of physical violence that I had ever seen in my house.  I don’t even remember my parents fighting until I got married.  My parents had talked about other families where domestic abuse was an issue, it wasn’t an issue in ours.  We grew up on “getting the beats” from our parents which I feel shaped us kids into good respectful adults who have respect for our elders.  Thanks mom and dad for beating us onto the right path???  I’m not against spanking as a parent depending in the circumstances (kid’s age, what they did).  But, I can never be FOR hitting another grown adult.  Nothing warrants a man hitting a woman or a woman hitting a man.

I think because I hadn’t been a part of such an ugly household I didn’t know how to react to the slap other than cry. I didn’t tell anyone about it, I kept quiet but I thought about it all the time.  Had a done something so bad that he had to hit me?  He was the one out with his girlfriend and I was being punished physically for asking about his whereabouts?  I was at home with his family cooking, cleaning, entertaining and he was okay slapping me because I wanted to know where my husband was?   Who was I to tell?  I couldn’t tell anyone,  I was so ashamed that I had been slapped by my HUSBAND.  Growing up in a western country I had never thought that I would be a statistic for domestic abuse one day and here I am, a stat.  What would my friends and family think of me?  I was supposed to be the successful one out of the bunch with the perfect life!  Where were the dreams of happiness that everyone had seen for me and made me believe?  I was only 20 years trying to figure out my place in the house, but more importantly in his heart and life they answered in the form of abuse.  I learned there was no space for me in their house or hearts.  My dreams shattered that night.

I continued on the next day as if nothing happened. Made no mention of the slap to his parents or mine, in fact I told no one.  I was so lonely and confused inside, all I could do is cry.  I called my mom and told her how much I missed her and my life before marriage.  She consoled me, letting me know marriage was a period of adjustment, it was going to take time but one day I will be so busy with life I won’t have time to cry.   I then called my sister, told her I was feeling sad and lonely and asked her to visit me.  She did come over within a few hours.  I remember us talking about living with strangers and having a husband who is actually someone else’s boyfriend.  We talked, she listened and I cried.  This was my best friend, I didn’t even tell her what had happened, and maybe a part of me believed that was the only time it was going to happen.  Her and I had plotted together our whole life, had secrets, successes and I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her.  I trusted her the most, at this moment I didn’t trust my own feelings.  I felt so violated and humiliated because of that one slap.

 

In the few months of marriage I had started to resent being born altogether. Many lonely evening/nights I would talk out loud to myself.  Why did I have to be born as a girl into a home where boys were preferred? Why did I have to struggle being a girl.  I knew I outshone my brother in everything but daily I was reminded that I was just a girl.  God, why was I such a strong girl if you only wanted me to have an insecurity being a girl?  I went from one type of struggle to another, all because I was a female??? I was then married into a family where being a daughter in law or wife meant you didn’t belong in the family.  It meant you were there to be used and abused.  I hated my gender and on top of it, being an INDIAN girl made it worse.  I tried so hard at everything in life!  I excelled in school, was a good kid, awesome role model for the young ones, loved my family, smiled all time, understood people, did what was right (almost always) and domesticated but why was I continually punished being a girl?  What had I done so bad in my 20 years that I was thrown into this marriage?  To this day I’m not sure why it’s been like this for me but it has given me the strength not to let this happen to my daughter or any other girl if I can help it.

-Venya♥

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry – Venyas Rose

I Think Of You In Silence
I Often Speak Your Name
All I Have Left Are Memories
And A Heart Around Your Name
My Heart Aches With Sadness
And All My Tears Will Flow
But What It Meant To Lose You
No-one Will Ever Know

I Can Get A Girl Who
Love Me More Than
You …
But You Will Never Get A
Guy Who Love You More Than Me

To Die In Luv For Someone
Is Not The Big Thing..
To Live With That Pain With
Smile Forever…
Is The Great Real Achievement..!

Heart Is The Greatest Cheater
In This World..
Because
It Makes Thousand Of Different
Excuses To Stay In Touch With
The Person You Love…

Venyas Rose

Poetry – Venyas Rose

Wo Meri Soch Hai, Koi Aur
Usey Sochey To Q? Wo Mery
Labon Ka Naghma Hai Koi Aur
Usey Gungunaye To Q? Wo
Meri Chahat Hai, Koi Aur
Usey Chahey To Q? Wo Meri
Nazar Ka Aaina Hai, Koi Aur
Usey Dekhey To Q? Wo Sirf
Meri “Dua” Hai
Koi Ussay Mangay To Q..!!

 

Never Try To Examine
Your Love Relations
Because They Are Like Diamonds
When You Hit Them
They Don’t Break But May
Slip Away From Your Life..!!!

 

When A Boy Calls U Cute,
He Likes Ur Face..
When He Calls U Hot,
He Likes Ur Body..
When He Calls U Beautiful,
He Likes Ur Heart..!

 

Never Talk About Feelings,
If They Aren’t Really There
Never Hold My Hand,
If You Going To Break My Heart
Never Say You Are Going To,
If You Don’t Plan To Start
Never Look In My Eyes,
If All You Do Is Lie
Never Say Hello,
If You Really Mean Goodbye

Venyas Rose

Poetry – Venyas Rose

She Asked Me,
Why Are U Sad ??
I Amswer: Becoz I Can’t Understand
Our Relationship. Sumtimes, I Feel
Like We Are Friends. Sumtimes, I Feel
Like We Are More Then Friends,
May Be Lovers. But Sumtimes I Feel
Like I Am Just A Stranger To You

 

Quote Broken Heart:
Congrats For Ur New
Relationship Dear.. But,
Before Going Would U Like
To Get That Knife Out
Of My Heart.. U’ll Probably
Need It Again..!

 

Love You.. I Love You..
My Heart Constantly Hurts
Everytime I Said That.
Not Because I’m Too Afraid
To Hear The Wrong Answer
From You.
But, I’m Scared To Hear
Another Lies..!

 

Pyaar, Pyaar Hai.
Chahe Khushiyo Se Bhara Ho,
Ya Gam Se.
Pyaar Mein Khushi Ho
Tho Sab Jeete Hain.
Pyaar Mein Jeene Ka Maza Tho
Tab Aata Hai Jab Pyaar Mein Gam Ho.
Realy I Want To Live In Love With
………Sadness………

 

Venyas Rose

Poetry – Venyas Rose

Some Day U Will Cry For Me
Like I Cry For
U, Some Day U Will Miss Me
Like I Miss U,
Some Day U Will Need Me
Like I Need U,
Some Day U Will Love Me
Like I Love U.

 

Once People Told Me Love
Is True, I Didn’t Believe
It Till I Found You, Now
That U Gone, I’m Going
Crazy, I Wish U Would Here
N Tell Me “I Love You”

 

Just Because My Eyes Do Not
Show Tears, Doesn’t Mean My
Heart Doesn’t Cry N I Don’t
Get Hurt. Just Because I Come
Out Strong, Doesn’t Mean There
Is Nothing Wrong. Often I
Choose To Pretend That I’m
Happy. So I Don’t Have To Explain
Myself To People Who’ll Never
Understand. Smiling Has Always
Been Easier Than Explaining Y I’m Sad…!!

Venyas Rose

Strike 1

I can still feel the sting of the first time he slapped me across the face. That slap was the beginning of the physical abuse that would take over my life.  Raj and I fought day in and day out.  He would disappear for hours and days and I would confront him about his whereabouts.  I could always tell that he was so frustrated with me but didn’t know what to do.  I’m sure he was caught in a dilemma himself.  He loved another woman, but his parents didn’t approve of her, so he married the girl that his parents approved of but he didn’t love her.  His did what was right in society and for his parents but he wronged me and his girlfriend.

In her defence, I’m sure she was shattered by all of this too. She invested many days, months, and years into a man who ultimately did what his parents wanted him to do.  He chose his parents happiness over hers.  I know that Raj had become a part of her family as well; she must have had some explaining to do about the situation with me in the mix!  Every girl dreams about the perfect man who will treat her as if she is the best thing on Earth, she too, was let down by him.  He probably let her imagine a wedding, life, family and happiness as a couple.  She like me, must’ve had dreams and hopes that he took away from her.  It was an injustice to her as well as to me.

His mom became very rude towards me as the days passed. She became very territorial of her house and her boys.  Nonetheless, I was very uncomfortable there when it was just her and I alone.  She would start to pick on my body, hair, face, smarts, housekeeping skills or whatever it was she wanted to do that day.  I would go to my room and just cry and ask the universe, what did I ever do to deserve this treatment?  Her whole demeanor towards me was full of hate and I am a soft hearted person, I couldn’t handle the hate that I saw no reason for.  I would talk to myself and wait for Dad, Sunny or Raj to come home to divert her attention.  I thought I was going to go insane with this woman all the time.  I was already unhappy about being with her all day and then on top of it, I was always thinking about Raj and his girlfriend.  What were they doing?  Where were they?  Are they fucking right now?  Is she cooking for him?  Why did he marry me???  I wanted to run away, but where would I go with no money at the age of 20?  I had lived a very sheltered life and was very naïve and gullible, thanks for the non-life skills mom and dad!  I would tell my mom and she would console me by saying he will accept you soon, just don’t give up.  My dad wouldn’t say much except, “Your kismet was written when you were born, nothing I can do.  My hands are tied, God has chosen this path for you.”  UMM I know!  How about you let me back home DAD!?!?!

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My parents “gave me space” to let me “adjust” to my new life and I resented them for that. In fact, they told my sister to stay away as well because she was not helping the situation by being supportive to me.  She would come over at times and “rescue” me for the evening.  I loved those evenings with her, it was safe and secure with her.  It was like my parents had just given me up to these strangers and said, “Please have your way with our daughter and we will never stop you from treating her badly.  You own her now; we relinquish all rights on her.” I felt so alone and scared without my parents by my side amongst this family of terror.

My father in law and Sunny (his brother) continued to be nice to me. Once in a while when my mother in law was ripping into me for something or another he would say to her, “That’s enough, stop harassing her, she’s just a child.”  That was always met with hostility, swearing and a backlash from his wife.  At times when she was putting me down, he would just go to his room and say nothing.  With my eyes I would beg him to at least stay there but he never stayed, it was too much for him to listen and too hard for him to stop her.  He did defend me in regards to the housework to her.  “She does as much as you ask, the house is clean, dinner was good, she is trying let her be.  She is the daughter of my friend and I had made promise to him that I need to keep.  I don’t want to be the cause of her tears how will I face her dad, my friend?  She hasn’t done anything wrong to be yelled at like that.  Why are you treating her like this.”  Eventually he would give up and let her attack me verbally.

Sometime after our 3 month mark of being married, due to me persistently questioning, he couldn’t handle the pressure so he slapped me right across the face. I couldn’t believe it!  At this very moment I can feel the burn on my cheek.  That was the first time he hit me, that was the first time I gave him permission to abuse me beyond belief.  I remember sobbing and holding my cheek and sliding down the wall just crumbling to the floor.  Why would he hit me???  So many thoughts were in my head, did he hit her too or was it just me?   For our 1 month anniversary he had taken me out to a 5 star restaurant, I thought that we were at least friends!!!  For our second month anniversary he had surprised me with earrings and now he slapped me!  20 years old, in a marriage that I had refused, treated badly by her mother in law and now he hit me?!?!?  For fucks sake what had I done so terrible in my 20 years of existence that I deserved this treatment by him or his family.  Was there seriously something I was lacking?  At some point I got myself off the floor and went to bed silently to fall asleep.  I was sleeping with the enemy and I told no one about it.

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Venya♥