THE PROGRAM

Well I have just been thinking about how when I was growing up, how our parents taught us or expected us to go to school, get a job, find a partner get married have a home and have kids in relatively that order.  Well things dont always go according to plan whether it be lack of support, knowledge, or just not finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with.  Sometimes we just aren’t ready, just because society and parents pressure force us to follow the norm doesnt mean its the right thing for us to do.

Now I know there’s alot of people that do follow the program and are very happy, but that being said I do know alot of people who have and are miserable.  Maybe I’m just the exception, but maybe I have been turned off by some of the horror stories about how couples did the whole 1 2 3 steps but are not fulfilled with their lives or partners whatever the circumstances may be, even ending up divorcing or just living an unhappy existance for the remainder of ones marriage.   I myself for a fact was going through the motions with relationships just not quite fulfilled having a void in me.  Until I found the one my heart was craving for, my soul mate as one would put it.

For all the people who have found their one and only, they will get where im coming from.  That one person who u connect with on another level who beyond a shadow of a doubt will be it! That’s when whatever stage in your life your at, that’s when things come together, as one!  And for those who haven’t and so desperately are seeking it, good luck to all. Because when it comes to you, rather than forcing it upon others you’ll know it deep down inside of your soul. Regardless of how family, friends or society portrays you and your life choices.

Venyas Keeper

Poetry by Venyas Rose

Mindblowing Flirt:
Boy: ‘ Hey Do You Like Water?
Girl: ‘Yeah…’
Boy: ‘Good,
Then You Already Like 70% Of Me.’

 

I’ll Live In Your Heart,
I’ll Make You My Home
I’ll Decorate Your Dreams
On Myself Like Jewelry I
Swear To You I’ll Change
Destiny’s Course If I’m
Able To Call You Mine
I’ll Leave This World..

Venyas Rose

Wedding Day Part 2

In between the food and the visitors I’ve been distracted of the ceremony that is about to take place.  My visitors consists of old friends, relatives and my bridesmaids.  Everyone wants a picture with the bride, how could a girl not feel so loved and special!  I felt so blessed to have so many people in my life who wanted to be a part of my life and in the same breath, was I really that blessed?  No one was willing to stand up for me and say this wedding is not right.  In a whirlwind of camera flashes, food and smiles I was totally swept away by the idea of my big fat Indian wedding, even I had forgotten to be sad.

With a knock on the door, my parents ask me to come out as it’s time to make my grand entrance as the bride of the day.  I look at my bridesmaids, they look so nice!  I take one look in the mirror, I don’t look half bad either.  There are butterflies in my stomach and I don’t know whether to smile or burst out in tears.  I had been looking forward to my wedding since I was a little girl and it was now here.    I had never imagined my wedding circumstances would be so twisted and ugly.  Life doesn’t go exactly how we plan it.

With my brother and dad by my side, I’m standing in the entrance of the gurdwara hall ready to make my grand entrance.  I span the crowd quickly before lowering my eyes.  The gurdwara was completely full!  I can feel the peoples eyes on me as I walk towards the granth sahib to take my place beside Raj.  On my walk down, I thought about turning around and leaving the temple as they do in Bollywood movies.  Only problem was I didn’t have a destination and would have to come right back.  I continued my slow and tortured walk.  At the granth sahib I bowed before it and quickly ask the higher being to help me in this journey, I know this is wrong and why did you chose him for me?  I take my place beside the man who was chosen for me by my parents.

 

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Once I am settled beside him and everyone has returned to their places, he says hello to me under his breath.  The ceremony begins and there is nothing but sadness that has come over me.  Looking back I do remember smiling but I can’t remember why.  What I do remember is every time we stood up to walk around the granth sahib, I was sadder and sadder.  By the time all 4 lavan were completed, I was so sad I couldn’t even hold my head up.  (tears are welling in my eyes writing this).  Then the stage is taken by a priest and starts his teachings about married life.  Me, I become unravelled sitting there.  My tears won’t stop and the snot has run free, worst part is I didn’t have any tissues!  Someone from behind hands me tissues.  My aunties come up behind me and whisper in my ears to stop crying, my makeup is ruined.  MY MAKEUP IS RUINED????  HOW ABOUT MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY RUINED???  I can’t stop the tears, they turn into uncontrollable sobbing.  I do remember wanting to go into fetal position and just to cry my heart out.  Instead I sit there cross legged beside the asshole and cry my heart out.  I know he is super uncomfortable, in his heart he probably knows why I’m crying like a baby but wouldn’t acknowledge it.  I must’ve cried for an hour solid until I had no tears left.  Before I knew it, people were walking up to us and congratulating us from behind, I have no memory of it.  I remember sitting there numb to the world.  People were saying they had never seen a bride cry like before, how sweet and touching,  if they only knew why I was crying so much.

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After another hour of leg cramping sitting, my aunt helps me up to the lunch reception.  My other aunties are ready with makeup in hand to make me look fresh again.  My parents haven’t talked to me but I see them.  I can tell both my parents have been crying too.  My mom is happy but sad, I know this because I’ve loved her since I was born.  When I see them, anger and hurt are rolling around in my heart again, but the only thing that seems to surface are tears.  Why in the world would they abandon me like this?  Give away their star child to a lying, manipulative asshole, that comes from a family with no conscious?  Growing up my dad always told me I was his favourite child, I had everything a parent could ask for minus my strong opinions and voice.  So why would you throw me out like a piece of garbage.  Mom!  Why couldn’t you stand up to my dad with me?  Why would you raise, nurture and love me for 19 year only to discard me as if you had no choice?

While I was lost in thought, his aunt takes my arm and guides me to the table where him and I are supposed to be sharing a lunch out of one place setting.  I haven’t really looked at him all day,  I now take a look, he’s sitting there waiting for me to eat.  He’s actually good looking, he has a very polished successful look to him sitting there in his Gucci suit and tie.  From a distance any girl would count themselves lucky to be seated beside him as his wife.  He didn’t look like a liar.  He didn’t look like he would be abusive.  He didn’t look like he was full of jealousy and hate.  He didn’t look like he would be mean.  He didn’t look like he treated women like trash.  He didn’t look like he would be the cheating type.  But what did a lying, cheating, abusive, manipulative man look like?

I sit down and return his hello.  He asks me how I am, I reply, fine.  He stated he wasn’t really hungry while he was eating, I  ate a couple of bites at the command of the videographer and left it at that.  While we are eating the cameras are rolling and the flashes continue.  I say nothing but occasionally flash a smile for the pictures, it is my day after all.  Why did I play along with this nonsense?!?!?  I’m so angry at myself for going through with the ceremony and realize there is no where to go, I’m officially a part of his family.   His relatives have taken seats for lunch all around us.  My family and friends are at different tables all together.  I look around at all the strange new faces, my new family, and my heart sinks.

I’m all alone as of right now and forever, the tears start again.  I’m officially a married woman to the man of my nightmares.

imagesCAIZBRSH.jpg – Venya ♥

 

 

Wedding Day

My big fat Indian wedding is continuing on whether I like it or not 😦  I am lying awake in bed with my sister on my wedding day.  It’s 4am, time for me to get up and look like the bride my parents always wanted to see.  I procrastinate for a few minutes longer, then get myself out of bed as I know my parents and relatives are already awake serving tea to my hair and makeup stylist.  They’ve come to fetch me a few times, my body is refusing to move.  Since I’ve learned the truth of the other woman, I have done nothing but convince myself I need to go forward with the wedding in the name of family honour.

I look down at my choora = handcuffs, it’s taken up most of my arms.  I’m cuffed and now they will dress me in my prison outfit and escort me to my lifetime sentence.  Again why are my parents and family doing to this to me and how was I chosen to be the sacrificial lamb???  I still don’t understand how this treatment was okay for a barely 20 year child.  We know he has a girlfriend, we know him and his family are liars AND they are greedy bastards, we know I’m barely 20, and we also that I love my family very much and don’t want to hurt anyone.  Why was my own family emotionally blackmailing me into this marriage?  Would my dad and other family REALLY have a heart attack should I bring shame to the family?  At 20 I guess I believed them anything that went wrong would be my fault.  Just for the record my dad is alive and healthy and both grandfathers have passed away due to old age.  I was so stupid to believe that they would suffer medically should I not get married!

dde796bf6fd3d6272e25c78217ec5f76.jpgI go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, look in the mirror and don’t even want to look at myself, I felt like I was betraying my own self.  Taking my sweet time in the bathroom, I make my way to the other room where my wedding attire was neatly placed with my matching jewellery.  It looked so beautiful, the perfect red, jewellery was perfectly matched.  I look down at my hands, they were also perfectly decorated with mehndhi. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, instead it was the worst day in my life.  I thought prison outfits were supposed to be hideous?  Mine wasn’t.  I stare at it some more and make my way down the stairs to meet the woman who is going to hide all the pain in my face with the strokes of her makeup brush.  She was going to  glamourize me so no one would be able to recognize the sadness in my eyes.

I meet my parents downstairs, Mom hands me a cup of chai with a mixed plate of sweets and savouries.  I take it without saying a word but look them square in the eyes hoping the can hear what I’m not saying.

The stylist is very excited to get me ready for my wedding.  She starts talking and I’m half listening to her, she prompts me to go put the top on for my lengha.  I go back upstairs and put it on like a good girl and make my way back down.  She sits me down and starts talking about a what I would like as a hairstyle and hair.  My response, “Doesn’t matter, whatever you think.”  I figure why start giving input now about my life, no one else seems to care what I have to say.  She starts with my hair, my head is going this way and that way, I may have gone numb in the head and brain at some point.  She continues to talk and work, I just listen without saying much.  What was the point of talking?  No one was listening anyway.  3 hours later I am ready, my hair and makeup are done perfectly.  My outfit looks just right and I am shining like a true bride on her day.  Inside I’m shattered and broken.

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My dad is getting the whole house on board with the timing.  He’s going around like a crazy man telling everyone to get ready and calling others to meet us at the gurdwara and not to come by the house.  As per his instructions, I take the front seat in the van so my clothing will not be ruined.  After some time, when everyone is departing for the gurdwara and the doors have been locked, we start our drive to the temple.  My dad actually seems stressed and my mom doesn’t much during the car ride.  I just stare out the window and continue to convince myself that this is the right thing to do.  I have to get married today to Raj so my family can hold up their heads high in society.

I am inevitably sad in the car, and I’m sad NOW thinking about how sad I was back then.  I didn’t say much to my parents, I just sat there thinking about myself.  Was I really that much of a burden to my parents?  Was I a bad child?  Did I wrong my parents?  Why were they willing to abandon me so easily?  Is there anyone who cares about me?  Why weren’t my brother or sister being given up, why me?  My mom mentions a few housekeeping rules to me, Venya, no smiling (what do I have to smile about), don’t talk to much to anyone, show respect to your new family, don’t do anything foolish in public, be elegant, don’t hug other men (I’m a hugger), and she rambles on with THE rules of today.

When I look back to that day, there were times that I was excited and times that I was sad.  Excitement is my middle name, I get excited over everything, so how could I not be excited over my own wedding.  I thought I looked pretty good for a child bride.  I did love all the attention, I was mixed up in the reality and the fairy tale aspect of my big fat Indian wedding.   My sadness was obviously due to the fact I was being forced by my parents to marry a man who was living with someone else.  Life was not fair.  I was sad that not a single soul stood up for me or helped me run away or fix this mess.  I was mostly sad that I didn’t even have a chance at this life before my life was going to be officially over.

My dad pulls up to the gurdwara, it’s swarming with wedding guests.  I’m in real trouble now, no chance of running away.  My aunties come to the car and whisk me inside to the brides waiting room.  There are so many beautiful foods waiting for me in the room, my mouth waters at the sight of them.  My last meal before my sentence begins.

To be continued…

-Venya♥

 

 

Poetry by Venyas Rose ⚘

I think you are very careless!
U come & leave things behind!
See now what u have left?
U just came in my mind and
left a smile on my face. 😊

Lives are for living
I live for you,
Dreams are for dreaming
I dream for you
Hearts are for beating
mine beats for you,
Angels are for keeping.
Can I keep you?💖

A peach is a peach,
a plum is a plum,
a kiss isn’t a kiss without the tongue,
so open ur mouth &
close ur eyes &
give ur tongue some exercise.🍑

Butterflies don’t know the color of their wings,
but human eyes know how nice it is…
Like wise you don’t know ‘how good you are,
but I know ‘how special you are’ 🦋

Boy: Do U Wanna Go Out With Me?
Girl: Nahhhhhhhhhhhh
Boy: Did U Hear What I Just Said?
Girl: Yea
Boy: What Did I Say?
Girl: Do You Want To Go Out With Me?
Boy: Yes 😎

– Venyas Rose

Engagement Day

I wake up confused, should I be happy, sad, angry or depressed. We all make the choice every day and decide what kind of mood we will be in, but today was not a typical day for me. This was the day I was to be formally engaged to a man who was living with another woman. Previously I had written about finding out about the other woman in his life, or am I the other woman??? My parents still won’t face the fact they are forcing me to marry a man who is committed to someone else. My sister and I have plotted for the last few days how to get out of the marriage, we don’t know how. She is younger than I am but knows that this marriage is all wrong, he and his family are all wrong. She is the only person in the world, at that time that I trusted. She was so supportive, planned my escape and tried to execute it but we failed miserably. I think we were both too young to execute anything against our parents without fear. Fear gripped us which in turn paralyzed me, I had decided, I had no choice but go forward with the engagement to him.

I step outside my bedroom and like usual, the house is buzzing, it is the wedding week of my big fat Indian Wedding. Mom and Dad’s smiles are so big when they see me, naturally I smile back and then catch myself changing it to a frown immediately. What the fuck am I to do??? My mom yells at me from the couch, “Brush your teeth, eat something and the hair and makeup girl is arriving at 1 to get you ready for the tonight! Hurry up, don’t be so slow, it’s your engagement night. Your sari is ready to go, all ironed and laid out for you!” She is so happy, why is she so happy? Why are they pretending they don’t know the truth? Is anyone ready to talk about reality or are we to go about the day as if we are a part of some Bollywood movie where we just sing and dance no matter the circumstances.

I get into the bathroom and go about my business trying to figure out a way out. In my head, there is no way out. Leaving the bathroom I spot my sister, I drag her inside the room and once again try to come up with a solution for my predicament. Nothing, we come up with nothing except go along with it or runaway. It’s almost 1 so I put some food in my stomach and anticipate the arrival of the makeup artist. Why am I doing this??? The agony is unnecessary!

She arrives to get me all dolled up for the big event. I will admit at this point I get caught up in getting ready. Who doesn’t want to be pampered and doted on? She is enthusiastic about being the one to get me ready for my big night. I can’t help but get excited with her, at times I even forgot my reality! After a few hours of getting ready with giggles and talks I’m ready to depart my home to the venue where my future husband will put a ring on my finger to show the world he owns me.

 

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We enter the hall as a family, my brother, sister and parents by my side. I greet the relatives from near and far with a smile and a hug. Everyone is gushing over me! I love the attention and again caught up in the moment, someone might actually mistake me for being happy about the engagement. I COULD HAVE MISTAKEN ME AS BEING HAPPY ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT! In my defense, I was 19, I didn’t know any better. My dad comes to my side, interrupting my hellos and says it’s time to go inside. Now I’m nervous. Dad, my brother, and entourage of family walk me to the empty chair beside him. I haven’t looked up since I started walking down the aisle. I can’t even look at him, I’m nervous, shy, mad and upset.

I sit down in my place next to him, I hear a whispered hello. We haven’t spoken since the lunch. I can hear people at the tables laughing, talking and enjoying the scene but I still don’t bring my eyes to meet the crowd. So much is going through my mind with my head hung low and my hands folded neatly across my thighs. I hear someone telling me to get up, I look up, its’ the photographer. Apparently he sat down on the wrong side of me, we had to exchange seats. STRIKE ONE: We sat incorrectly! According to customs my parents start the ceremony of giving him gifts of a necklace, a bracelet and cash. In the end they are to put a mix of dried fruit, nuts and sugar treats in his laps. It’s wrapped in a red cloth (for good luck), my dad feeds him a piece and turns to walk away leaving the bundle of good luck in Raj’s lap. As my dad is turning away, Raj drops the entire bundle on the floor! STRIKE TWO: He dropped the bundle of good luck all over the floor, I can hear the crowd whispering because of the significance of him dropping it. It means we will have bad luck in our marriage, according to superstitions. I learned the significance of him dropping the bundle after the marriage, no one in my family spoke to me about it.

Then its was my turn to receive gifts. His family started fussing over me, I actually liked it. They put a gold set on my bare neck, filled my bare ears with earrings to match the necklace. Put a ribbon in my hair, fancied up my bare arms with red bangles (that were too small!) and put mehndi on my hands. Then he turned to me with sindoor in his hands. **Sindoor is only for women to signify she is taken by marriage. It’s the red powder you may see in a woman’s hairline.**  I lower my head and allow him to put the sindoor in my hairline to lay claim to me. Lastly he has the ring in his hand, I can’t see it because I haven’t really looked up, my head has been hung low for the last 2 hours! He takes my hand and puts a ring on my finger. STRIKE THREE: I look at the ring; it looks like his mother’s old used and worn ring! If I was going to marry a lying, cheating jerk at least give me a ring that I like!!! 3 strikes and we’re out! I am so disappointed with the ring, my heart sinks. FUCK!

 

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The guests are coming up and congratulating us verbally and with some money, then we are both guided outside for some engagement pictures. Talk about awkward! Both our siblings were our chaperones during the photo shoot. I look back and remember smiling and then hating him all in the same breath. I loved that I was the focal point but this time I hated why I was the focal point. I loved the magic of an engagement and still do, I didn’t like this was my engagement to a lying two faced bastard. I couldn’t keep up with myself! Was I unhappy or sad, and what was the title of our relationship? Was I his mistress or wife to be, he technically did belong to someone else but I was the newest to the threesome?!?!?

The night continued with a mix of emotions for me. People enjoyed the night at the expense of my life. My parents had made me the sacrificial lamb for the family honour.  I kept looking at the ugly used ring that I didn’t want on my finger. I hated everyone who knew the truth but stood on the sidelines as if nothing was wrong with the picture. More than anyone, I hated myself. I hated that I was too young to use my brain, I hated that I loved my parents and family too much, I hated that I didn’t want to fight with anyone, I hated that I didn’t have enough courage to help myself and I hated myself for being so naïve and stupid. I hated him for putting on such an act, for lying through his teeth, taking advantage of a young child, and for ruining my life because he was selfish. I hated his family for being lying assholes, who made me out to be crazy to my parents.

While everyone else was congratulating me and taking a peak at my new jewellery, I sat there with my family and friends, confused and hating myself.  I did what I had to do to keep my family happy.

-Venya♥

Teachers in life

In the early years of life we always picture a teacher as someone who  spent years attending school to obtain a license to teach, a degree.  It’s later in life we figure out teachers come in so many different shapes and forms.  Our first teachers are our parents.  They teach us how to walk, eat, use the toilet etc.  Then it’s our siblings or cousins.  They teach us to share, be tolerate and survive amongst family 🙂 As we grow our friends become our teachers, that is a good and bad thing in teenage years!

I never thought that my greatest teachers in life would be my husband and my mother in law.  Together they have taught me how to overcome ANY obstacles that I come across.

Every time they have knocked me down I have learned how to get up, at times it took a while before I got up, but I stood up again!!!  When they told me what they hated about me, I perfected it so the blows were easier to take and I wanted the world to see I was not as bad as they wanted to portray me.

They have continually called me names and put me down for a variety of reasons. Fat, ugly, stupid, too wide, ugly hands and feet, big thighs, big chest etc. Physically these 2 have picked me apart.  Like a normal person; I was devastated by their words and my heart broke every single time.

 

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Over the years I slowly learned how stupid they were and I was the idiot who let them convince me too! I can’t change my physical self! Other than to lose weight or have surgeries to modify my body there isn’t much I can do about it. I now embrace my big thighs, love my curves (the bigger the cushion, the better the pushing?!?) My height, feet, hands or body structure CANNOT be changed, this is it! Take it or leave it. Ugly? Maybe to some I am but not to everyone.  I’m not gorgeous but I do get compliments here and there. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

My skills in the kitchen, according to them, are garbage. Raj constantly complains, to this day, how there is never any good food in the house. His mom says that I can’t cook, she hates my food. She says every good woman will be able to keep the family happy through food, clearly I’ve failed them.  I’m surprised my kids haven’t died from bad food and malnutrition!

How I see it these days is, I can not only cook but I bake as well! What do I cook and bake? ANYTHING you want. I have learned how to cook a little bit from all over the world. My kids love our weekly menu, 2 nights a week Indian food, 4 nights whatever we decide and once a week we do grab food. My family, friends, kid’s friends, even the neighbors compliment my culinary skills. I have often heard other parents say to their kids, “You should learn how to cook; Venya cooks and bakes beautiful food all the time.” Side note, I don’t cook from a box, I cook from scratch, I cook almost every day, I make my own chutneys, use oodles of vegetables and try to cook a variety of foods. My kids’ friends come over just to eat! The lesson here is I have to cook to keep my kids, love ones happy and healthy. It makes me happy when others enjoy my food; I have to be thankful for that. My demon of a husband and his mother, taught me how to cook. Their constant put downs made me try harder to please them, which meant I cooked better for my kids! They taught me how to perfect my recipes, thank you assholes!

 

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According to the two of them I don’t know how to keep a house. My laundry was never white enough, I missed spot on the floors while mopping, dust was everywhere, toilet was a mess, too many dishes in the sink!

Because they were so OCD it taught me to keep up on the household chores flawlessly. At the time I used to hate the pressure, then I kind of started liking the pressure and now there is no pressure. My house is usually pretty clean. At times it gets messy, with kids it’s inevitable! But it’s relatively clean, sink is most always clear of pile ups and my bathroom is sparkly? They taught me that keeping clean is a good thing and it doesn’t require too much effort! Thank you for being on my ass about not cleaning fast or good enough, now you can eat off my floors, literally!

 

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The two of them are notorious for making up lies about people. The one I hate the most is when I girl decides to leave her marriage. My mother in law goes into great detail about why the girl left. Usually the girl had a boyfriend, stole money, and didn’t play nice with the family or other variations of bullshit. Keep in mind she didn’t usually know the girl very well nor did she live with the girl. Raj does the same, makes up lies about situations to make himself feel stronger and more secure as a man.

What I learned from them, never judge anyone’s actions. We have not lived a day as them, we cannot speak with such righteousness unless we were physically there. We don’t know why someone else’s marriage falls apart but we can definitely take care of our own situation. We don’t know why she left; only she does. Only I know why I make the decisions I do, no one else is in my head or my shoes. My friends are my friends because I chose them to be in my life. If I don’t like how they are, then they shouldn’t be my friend. I let my friends know continuously how important they are to me.  And I don’t talk shit about my friends❣

 

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There were many days that I was sad. And then I would get dumped on by the two of them for one reason or another. Talk about a hurricane of feelings. They are masters of kicking someone while they are down.

I learned to be kind to everyone. There is a saying, you don’t know what battles people are fighting, be kind. How true is that?!?! Many days’ I put on a brave smile and no one ever knows that my insides are shattered. One nice conversation with a stranger can totally change my day and one dirty look or bad words can make it so much worse. I’ve learned just to be kind, no strings attached. Thanks to my teachers I ooze kindness!!  Hugs and love are free, throw it around like confetti!

 

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Him and his family are notorious for keeping secrets from one another and talking behind each other’s backs. His parents talk negatively about their sons to the son who is not present, parenting at it’s finest! Mostly they gossip about Raj to Jas. Jas is the younger one and more manipulative towards his parents, he’s the sly fox out of the family. Raj is just crazy person with no filter! They are not loyal to one another at all, they plot against each and definitely are not supportive in general to each other. Divide and conquer is not how a mother should be with her own kids.

I’ve learned to be open with both my children, equally. One is not better than the other. Pitting them against each other will break up the family, it doesn’t allow me stronger grip on them individually. Later in life the siblings will act on the hate their mother instilled in them against one another.   Everything I do will be done for both, equally. There will be no closed door discussions unless it’s private (period talk or mom, is it normal for boys to have hair in their bum?) My goal is to encourage my children (and others) to be there for the other, think about the other and remember their parents at all times, not just for money. Secrets and deception achieve nothing but cause destruction.

 

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My sparkle was dulled for way to many years because of them. I’ve brought out the polish and cloth and have started to sparkle again as I once did.  I want to help others do the same💖

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-Venya ♥

 

 

Almost Engaged.

It’s the day before the big engagement party with 300 of our closest family members.  I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this nonsense but more surprised that my parents haven’t come to their senses!  They have continued on with my big fat Indian wedding as if nothing is wrong and all I’ve done is wonder, why me?  Why are my parents so stupid?  Why are society pressures so harsh that we kill our live children in the name of honor?  Why do my parents think it’s okay to throw my life away for a lying asshole?  Why was my Mom not standing up for me like a mother should?  Why did my family think a man living with another woman was a perfect husband for their own child?  Why is it accepted for grown adults to lie to us kids and to each other???  Why did my loved ones stand by and watch the drama without intercepting it and talking some sense into my parents?

For the days leading up to the engagement I wondered were any red flags? Of course at the time I couldn’t make sense of it.  It was only years later when I opened up to my parents that there were red flags.  Vision is always 20/20 in hindsight!

First red flag was, he didn’t really introduce me to his friends.  I thought because we had met only a few times that this was no big deal.  When I think about it now, it was because he was ensuring no one would tell me.  He did take me out once to a party.  And, I did meet his friends but of course, no one told me anything about the other woman.  No one was willing to take a bullet for me!

The next flag was the issue of dowry.  When our arrangement was going forward, his family had insisted no dowry was necessary.  A decent girl to be a part of the family was worth more than money itself, those were their words.  My parents were happy they didn’t have to come up with extravagant gifts for his family to ensure their daughters happiness.  2 weeks before the wedding, his mother called my father and put forward her list of demands!

This included but not limited to:

A gold set for her, after all she is giving her son away, she needs something to console her.  Greedy bitch!  Gold jewelry for both grandmothers, as if they don’t have some.  Gold jewelry for both grandfathers, I’m sure my family rings made them richer…NOT!  A total of 12 gold rings and blankets for a variety of uncles and brothers for his side of the family.  I hope those blankets caused them all rashes!  Each of the ladies in the family were to receive 2 suits each.  I brought a whole suitcase of stitched suits for the women in his family.  I’m assuming his aunties were relying on the clothes my family provided to cloth themselves at the wedding.  My grooms brother needed a token from the wedding, clothing, a gold ring and cash would suffice, what a joke!  My future cousin sister in laws needed new clothes as well, I guess they didn’t have clothes of their own, find a job to help you shop!  At the end of it all she said to my dad,  “If you wish to give a car that would be for your daughter and your son in law.  Your daughter shouldn’t take the bus everywhere, that’s embarrassing.   I never did get the car, I told my dad I like taking the bus.  My parents ran around and spent money they did not have so the wedding wouldn’t be cancelled.  This was a major red flag!  I wish grown up Venya could talk to that bitch of a mother back then.  I would have a few questions and words for the piece of shit!  Greedy assholes, is what they were and have continued to be.  They took advantage of my family and me in every way they could.

I had spoken to my future husband about the list of demands his mom had ordered.  He was willing to speak to her about them but, I stopped him not wanting any fighting because of me.  If he brought it up, his parents would have accused me of turning him against his family..  I said to him, “It’s okay I guess but shouldn’t YOUR parents be giving MY parents presents?  I’m the one leaving my home not you.  So your family gets the girl and presents while my parents lose their daughter and have to give presents to your family so your don’t return me???  How does that make sense?”  In the end I let it go, as instructed by my parents, they told me not to worry about it.

Red flag #3.  While we were shopping for my wedding, his mom didn’t let me pick anything on my own.  I was allowed to have an opinion.  I was quiet because my parents had instructed me not to act or seem greedy.  Let them do as they please, they said.  I went along and smiled with whatever they said to me.  Suppressed right from the beginning.  Apparently my mother in law had many dreams of dressing her daughter in law one day, and I was it!

I also thought he lied to me about some drinking, spending and smoking habits.  I had confronted him and he denied it all. I asked him a few times over the phone, “Are you smoking?”  “Nope, it’s just the wind your hearing.”  “Oh, okay.”  How fucking stupid, naive, and gullible was I ???  He said it and I just trusted him blindly?!?!

So there were red flags, I just didn’t see them nor did I have enough time to dig into my suspicions.  This still didn’t give the right to lie and deceive me as they did, as a family.

My sister has become my only friend in my family.  Since then she has become my rock.  I was trying to make the most of my situation and carry forward without bringing shame to my parents name.  Tomorrow is my engagement party and I must admit, I was a little excited.  I was actually getting caught up in the festivities when I wasn’t thinking about the lunch.  I was enjoying all the attention when we were laughing, singing and dancing.  It was torture when my mind went back to lunch.  I guess I had a split personality during the wedding week.  One minute I would be dancing with my family the next I would be crying hoping my parents could see my pain and stop this wedding.

I go to sleep with mixed emotions, I don’t know any better, I’m barely 20.  What does anyone expect someone at my age and attachment to family to do?  No support, no help, just a pat on the head, it will be alright.  Will it be alright?

-Venya♥

 

 

Day After Lunch

Why are there so many people in this world willingly to do absolutely nothing to help others when they full well know they are being wronged?  How could my “family” let me to drown, while they are watching with their arms crossed against their chest?  Why are my parents being so unreasonable?   Why were some of my family members not “doing the right thing?”  I thought adults were supposed to help us find ourselves and lead us down the right path?   I’m still in bed thinking about what happened the day before.  I don’t want to get out of bed, hopefully everyone has come to terms that I will not marry that asshole.  Slowly I climb out of bed, check myself out in the mirror and I open the door.

The whole house is awake and milling around.  I look around I see my parents and the rest of the family talking and drinking chai.  I go to the bathroom, close the door behind me and make my way to the throne confused.  Why are they so chipper, how come they look like nothing is wrong?  I do my thing and out I walk into the living room.  My dad is smiling at me and tells me that chai is made and to have some breakfast.  I ignore, no response required for a father who is not willing to stand up for his innocent daughter.  My mom follows me around the house, making small talk, I ignore her too, not talking to them.  Everyone is acting like nothing happened yesterday!  I walk around and go back to my room.

My mom comes in and the drama starts.  “Your father and I have decided that you will be marrying him.  Everyone makes mistakes, you have to forgive and move on.  You will learn to love him.  You met many boys to take as a husband and YOU picked him.  He will treat you well, maybe the other girl is sabotaging his relationship with you out of anger.  Anyway your engagement is in 2 days, we have lots to sort out.  Come out and partake in the party prep, it’s your wedding.”

“Are you kidding me Mom?!!?!?  After seeing what I saw I can’t marry that asshole!  He is a lying cheating bastard and I want nothing to do with his family either who are just the same!  It was not a mistake, he introduced us on purpose, maybe he is trying to get out of this marriage with me?!?!  As for picking him, I met him once before I had to make my decision!!!  The others I met, were for an hour at time, that hardly means I picked him!!!  I picked the best I could from the surface and after having some stupid conversations with these idiots, I thought I was making the right choice!  I will not marry him, so forget about the engagement!”

I had met others and I had chosen him out of them all.  Some men had rejected me for many reasons.  I chosen the one I did because he didn’t care about the typical concerns.  He seemed more liberal yet conservative.  I felt he would have given me the freedom that I needed to be who I was yet living in an extended family.  Here are some points:

I wasn’t a virgin (not wife material!)  It was okay with him, everyone has a past and he didn’t want to know anything about it.

I like to go out(she spends and can’t be a homemaker)  He enjoyed experiences too

I had been in clubs (bad girl! will never mesh with family life)  He didn’t mind going out, he did too.

I wanted to go to school (to much education equals to many opinions)  He believed girls should be educated and was supportive of that (his parents weren’t)

My body wasn’t right(I’m not a skinny person but I’m not fat, I’m voluptuous!) As long as I didn’t get any bigger I was “okay”

I was too dark (she will produce dark babies, no good for the family!)  He was light skinned, babies should be in the middle

I talked to much (will ask too many questions we won’t want to answer)  He didn’t talk much, needed someone to socialize on his behalf

 

I’m screaming at mom as loud as I can, I want the whole house to hear me.  My dad comes in and says in a very kind voice.  “Stop screaming, you will be marrying him so get ready for the engagement party.  Go help your cousins prep the presents we’re bringing to the party.  Don’t be so difficult, I have spoken and there will be no more discussion.”

Slamming my door I fall on my bed, what am I going to do??? I actually can’t run away, I’m too young and I’ve never been away from my family.  If I run away I will never be allowed back and I really truly love my family.  Dad will never let my siblings or cousins speak to me.  No adult will let their kids talk to me fearing I might “ruin” their kids too.  I have some money saved but won’t get me far.  I can’t kill my self, too much planning required and too little time.  I can beg and plead and maybe someone will listen and convince my parents no to do this to me.  I stay locked up for most of the day.

I exit my room sometime after dinner.  “Dad, please don’t make me marry him, I don’t want to, I can’t.  I will marry whoever you say but just not him and you have to give me time to get to know the person.  He is never going to treat me right, please Dad!”  I’m crying and trying to be nice to him, no more fighting, kill them with kindness.

He puts his hand on my head, “Listen we are doing the best for you, he and his family are the best for you.  Maybe if we knew earlier things would have been different, right now this marriage has to go forward, our izzat (honour) is in your hands.  Don’t make me walk with my head hung low for the rest of my life.  If you love me and your mom, you will stop fighting and marry him.  He will provide for you, he has a great job and he is handsome.  His family is well to do and you won’t ever have to worry financially about anything.  You are very lucky to find such a boy, be grateful, all are very envious of you right now.”

I think at that point I knew I had to either go along with this sham of a big fat Indian wedding or run away.  I chose to go along with it.  I couldn’t bear to be away from my parents or extended family.  I just couldn’t imagine losing everyone!  With no support and barely 20 I felt like I had no options other than, just do as planned for me by my parents.  I could do nothing but cry, cry and cry some more.

This was the first of me giving up my happiness for the sake of others.  Me saying I will be sad if it puts a smile on your face, you stay happy, I will manage.

-Venya ♥