School – A Good Distraction

For those of you following my blog, I’ve decided to continue to write my story to empower other women and as therapy for myself.

The days of my life continued on like a bad dream. Being content on the “normal” days of my life and hating life on those days that I could have done without.  I was doing my best to keep distracted although it was tough through the tears.

As a young girl I had had many aspirations of who and what to become when I was a grown up. My father had agreed with me on the profession of  a lawyer (not sure why he agreed, its take education to become a lawyer and he wasn’t ready to give me the right to school).  Some days I thought about nursing, hairdressing, Immigration officer etc.  Instead of allowing me to pursue any sort of post secondary I was forced to marry the asshole.  A little later than the usual I decided to go back to school part time while I worked during the day.  I was about 21 and started my journey to be a nurse!  I was finally going to do something with my life!

I must credit Raj with helping me and yes “allowing” me to go to school. His parents were NOT supportive that their slave daughter in law go to school and work, who would make roti and do the dishes???  Raj helped my choose a path and supported me financially and emotionally to tackle the world of academics.  I was ever so grateful to him!  Starting out slow I was going to school in the evenings which meant more nights away from that hell.  I embraced my new life, literally skipping to school.

Half a year went by and I didn’t even notice! By nature I thoroughly enjoyed school.  I loved learning, loved having all the answers and loved being amongst like minded people.  I loved my teacher, made beautiful friends who never really knew the real me and maybe I didn’t know the real them.  Nevertheless I enjoyed their company on those nights, it was better than being at home alone and unhappy.  I completed my night school and was ready to dive into the full time program.  That meant quit my full time job and have no income until I was done with my nursing dream.

Life at home didn’t change, he would go out, yell at me, beat me at times and I would in return serve him and his family all with a smile. His parents continued on treating me like shit and I continued taking it.  I was extremely lonely and wanted to get out somehow and saw education as a means to do so.  Still, not speaking the truth to anyone, especially to the other girls at school.  I needed to get full time enrollment for several different reasons but mostly for my sanity and to plan my escape.  Amidst the chaos, I applied for a spot and got it!  That was early in the year.  In order to pursue my life through education, one day after a bad fight with Raj I decided to pack my shit and leave him.

He tried to stop me but I walked out with a promise of never coming back.  Got on transit and off I went in tears of confusion.

With all that I could put into a carrying bag I showed up at my parents house. I can tell you my mom was happy to see me but not happy with my intentions to leave the marriage.  I walked through the door and made myself at home.  I was never going back to him or those fuck faces.  It was time for me to be me after all I was not even 22, plenty of time to be the woman I needed to be.   After almost 2 years of violence and abuse I was FREE!!!!

Venya ♥

Interview for an Arranged Marriage

Do you smoke? – no

Do you do drugs? – no

Do you go out to party? – no

Are you a virgin? – yes

Do you wear sensible clothes?- yes

Are you a saver or spender? – saver

Do you know how to make roti? – yes

Can you care for the parents? – yes

Do you want children? – yes

Do you want to work outside the home? – yes

Do you know how to do all the house hold chores? – yes

Do you know how to make all Indian food as well as western? – yes

Sounds good, when can we get married???

Wait a minute!  What about all the questions I had for this arrangement?

Do you drink? – yes

Do you do drugs – yes

Are you a virgin? – no

Do you know how to cook?- no

What do you earn? – none of your business yet, you will be provided for

Are you good with money? Do you save money? – don’t worry about it.

Will you look after my parents and family? – not my job, that’s their son’s job

Do you know how to do any housework? – not my job, womens work

Will you take me out with you? – if I do then who spends time with my parents?

Will you help with the kids? – if I do so, what will you do?

No I don’t want this arranged marriage!  He isn’t what I’m looking for!

Beta, this is a marriage, full of compromises, happens to all of us.  You won’t find a better family than that, don’t be so picky!  He probably has so many rishtas come, consider yourself lucky!  Your not some maharani where he must be perfect!

Just like that my wedding date has been fixed 

The lies and deception begin

Venya

Sex with my brother in law?

The woman known as my mother in law was relentless in emotionally abusing me! Did she honestly think that I was sleeping with my father in law??? Was she that crazy or evil?  Needless to say, the household became very uncomfortable.  Dad avoided me like the plague after those gross accusations and I was always finding ways to prove that I was innocent.  I tried to make nice with my mother in law more than ever, and also kept my distant from dad, her husband.  My husband was too busy with his girlfriend to notice what was going on so I was all alone. I had no one, no family, no friends, no husband – I had nothing.  I didn’t tell Raj about the accusations because I believed there was no point, he didn’t care enough to even be around the house for my sake to begin with.

My only friend was Sunny, Raj’s younger brother. He became my confidante, my go to guy, my just for laughs man.  Dad would give us money and tell us to go eat something, grab coffee or ice cream.  He told me what was going on his world and got much needed advice!  I helped him pick clothing, gave him money so he could take his girlfriend out on dates, helped with his career goals and everything else a sister does for a younger brother.  I would cook his vegetarian meals for him separately as he preferred North American food to Indian food.  I did his laundry (I did everyone’s), helped him clean his room and tried to keep the guy organized.  We had an excellent relationship.

He would even give me information on his brother’s girlfriend! I came to know much about her through Sunny and his friends.  They all would tell me stories of her clothing, habits and  her personality was.  They would do a comparison between me and her, I would always be the one they pick!  They made me feel like Raj is the one who was blind and was losing out on a good woman.  Sunny was great to hang out with and was good for my heart.

The only thing I didn’t like about his was that he was so lazy! He would sleep into the afternoon and then not do much of anything.  To date, the guy has never had a job!  He is a father of 3 with no job and no desire for one either.  Presently he is living off the bank of dad! Back to earlier years, he was lazy then and he is still lazy now.  Some days I would jump up and down on him to wake him up.  Other days I would rip the comforter off him.  I was always harassing him to get out of bed so we could go and do something.

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While I was being playful with my brother in law my mother in law was secretly making up all these theories about our relationship. One of the days I was sitting on Sunny trying to wake him, my mother in law came screaming inside at me.  She started accusing me of first sleeping with her husband and now I was sleeping her son!  I couldn’t believe my ears, did she just accuse me of sleeping with another person who wasn’t my husband???  Yes she did!

 “Are there any men in our family that you will leave alone or are you going to steal all of them?  You took my husband, you married my eldest and now you’re stealing my youngest! Aren’t you ashamed of sleeping with your husband’s younger brother??? He is just a kid, you should know better! (Sunny and I are the same age)  Girls like you should be on the street somewhere selling their bodies not married in to respectful homes to ruin the men!”  Did she just suggest prostitution as a career?  Yes she did! 

She went on and on as I continually interrupted her trying to defend myself. She wasn’t interested in listening to what I had to say.  Sunny just pulled the comforter over his head and hid.  He should have fought for me but he didn’t.  I cried, and cried and of course I didn’t tell a soul.  Why did she think I was such a whore?  Why did she think I was sleeping with all the men in their family?  My husband, her son, was the one committing adultery not me!  Can she not see that?  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong as a 20 year girl.  This marriage, this house, these people were a living nightmare!!!

The next day, I found some alone time with Sunny and we talked about the allegations and his only response was, “She’s crazy, ignore her. She says stupid things all the time.  Who knows what she’s thinking.  We know we are just siblings so relax.   But in front of her let’s try not to talk too much.  She will mental on all of us.”  I agreed to not really talking in front of her or anyone anymore.  Another lie for me to start living….

 

Lies so far:

My husband loves me and is faithful to me – he has another woman whom he wanted to marry but didn’t because she wasn’t the right caste

Hubby would never lay a hand on my, I’m his wife – he hits me every time he feels like it, throw me around like a rag doll

I don’t care for my father in law – I care for him very much! He’s just like my dad, he’s everything a father in law should be!

I don’t speak or care about my brother in law – I love him! He is the baby brother I always wanted!  We have so much in common, he agrees with me on most things and cheers me up when I down because of his brother.

I was happy with this arranged marriage – there was nothing I liked about this marriage. I only had a husband when he needed me, my mother in law hated me, I was locked up inside and I had no one to talk to.

My mother in law treats me like her own child – she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me every chance she gets, she hates me and I don’t know why

Wasn’t sure what was to come next, at this point no one was really talking to me in the house. Sunny would talk to me secretly, mother in law when she needed something and dad avoided me.  Husband dearest was never around to talk to me.

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21, unhappily married, all alone and nowhere to turn how was I going to live the rest of my life like this????

Venya♥

Dad or lover?

My mother in law is the classic definition of evil! She wasn’t happy herself and wouldn’t allow anyone else any other way of feeling.  I was somewhat getting used to my life as I had unimagined it.  I had a husband who shone to the world but behind closed doors beat the crap out of me while keeping his girlfriend happy.  I was finally allowed to work!  Other than work, cooking and cleaning had become my life for these ungrateful fucks.  Did I mention having a mother in law who is territorial is NOT FUN!?!?!

Mummy dearest saw that I was “managing” my life and I’m sure she was thinking of ways to bring me back to earth. I would go to my new found love (work) and come home humming to my Indian music as I cooked and cleaned for my in laws.  I would cook whatever Sunny wanted, he was a vegetarian but wasn’t fond of Indian food.  My father in law preferred Indian food, my mother in law loved a variety of food and secretly ate meat ( I caught her indulging in eggs one day!)  My lovely husband wasn’t a fan of Indian food but LOVES food, I didn’t cook for him much as he wasn’t around EVER.  Plus as he told me on several occasions, his girlfriend was an amazing cook!  Glad his belly was full from her creations, I was that bad in the kitchen myself just saying….

At this point in my marriage (about 1.5 years in) I think she had started to run out of things to nit-pick me about. She would spend hours/days picking my body apart and then my personality and what my parents have/have not taught me.  I was coping really well with all this garbage life.  Yes I was broken but I seldom let them or ANYONE see it, I would just cry to myself in my room or bedroom.

I think she thought I wasn’t bothered enough so she brought out the big guns!   She started accusing me of sleeping with her husband!  Yes that’s right, my FATHER IN LAW.  I have to give dad credit, he wouldn’t stop her from tormenting me but wouldn’t take part in it either.  In fact he would eat dinner with me and compliment my culinary skills.  I try to please Sunny and dad through food and cleanliness.  It was working.  On the flip side my MIL was starting to go insane whenever anyone complimented me.

For example when family/friends would come visit I would get the following compliments:

We want a daughter in law exactly like her; does she have a sister for our family?

Her food is incredible, where did she learn to cook like that in her young age?

She is absolutely beautiful, you guys are so lucky that Raj found such a beauty; the kids are going to be gorgeous!

No wonder you didn’t tell us about her before you were hiding the treasure until the wedding day!

Not only is she great in the kitchen, she is so respectful and polite! Beauty and brains.  I wish my daughter in law was like that.

She is so kind and she is domesticated, how did you find her? She always sits with us as her family, you are so lucky to have her in your family.

She is great with the kids, seniors and us! A perfect fit for you and she is pleasant with a knack for cooking!

The list goes on. Mostly people were very interested if there was a clone of me for their son.  My mother in law would seethe at these questions.  She wanted everyone to despise me, the exact opposite would happen.  EVERYONE loved me and who I was inside and out.  The girls and women would gather around me and shower me with love and affection.  Amongst them, I felt like I was special and mattered.  The uncles would voice their admiration for me how I carried myself in the family.  The young men looking for advice on life, mostly girls 🙂

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One day, dad and I were sitting at the table eating our dinner and out of nowhere she starts yelling at me about stealing her husband.

untitled.pngShe is screaming at me saying I’ve stolen him and she sees how other men look at me and for dad I am easy access so it makes sense, right? NO! Dad and I are equally shocked at the allegation of us sleeping together.  I treated him like a girl treats her dad.  We laughed, cried and at times were silly together ( I would paint his toenails, braid his hair, massage his legs, cut his toenails….) She went crazy on the two of us, Dad did defend himself and said I was a child AND Raj’s wife, what plain nonsense but she wouldn’t have it.  He tried, I know he did, but in the end gave up and walked away from the table.   That was the last day dad ever ate a meal with me by himself.  She had become completely unraveled.  I remember her saying, no one should have a pretty daughter in law they are all sluts, never trust a young girl around an old man, he gave me money as payment (That was cheap payment! All I got from that payment was ice cream or candy) both dad and I were mortified.

From that day forward, that man would leave the area if we were ever alone; in fact he actually stopped talking to me for more than a full year. We would only talk about necessary things.  Relatives continued to praise me (they still do!) and he would agree with them, just not with the same enthusiasm as he did before.  He was too scared of her to love me as his daughter.

So now she had theory about me, I was sleeping with my father in law, how disgusting was that! I never told Raj about it at the time because I was afraid that maybe a part of him just might believe her, no point in planting things in his mind.  Raj has recently just learned about some accusations such as these, he was actually shocked his mom had been tormenting me to this degree.   She is, was and always will be an ugly person inside and out.

Who makes those kinds of assumptions? Of all the men in the world why would I choose my father in law to have an affair with??? 

Almost 21, I had beauty and age on my side, I would definitely have not picked him!

Venya♥

#metoo Crippled

I feel like I’m completely crippled by #metoo.  Like a princess in her castle with no escape route.  Daily torture by the king of the castle, it isn’t even good enough for him.  He must see me being broken visibly for him to be able to digest his food and smile.

Broken and shattered with a glimmer of hope.

#metoo is a great movement but how can women of abuse actually be helped?  I’m a #metoo supporter and I’ve been abused so many times that its become my “normal”.  This movement has got me thinking more than ever how to live my life on my terms.  I get all pumped up and then there is my reality.  After the #metoo walks and discussions I go back to the nightmare, my personal hell.  Empowered, liberated and hopeful are feelings when I’m surrounded by those who share my view.  Devalued, hopeless, powerless and sad are what I feel like when I go back ‘home’.  The walks and talks haven’t helped me fix my physical situation which require money.

A modest income, 2 teen kids and bills that would make anyone throw up (on a budget).  How am I supposed to “leave”.  Living and children expenses are holding me hostage in  a home that is killing me slowly!  I’m not even asking for much, I would like to be able to pay for rent with normal expenses that come with living and supporting my 2 teens.  NOT POSSIBLE!  After careful analysis of my income vs my expenses, NOT POSSIBLE.

I have a decent job, with good moral/values topped off with  a love for life served with a forever smile and I won’t be able to make it financially.  Because of the financial need I will have to continue to let him torture, belittle, play mind games and kill me from the inside out.

I have done everything “right” in my life and yet I might have to put my kids on a pull out sofa in a rodent infested home.  Not sure how I ended up like this but could really use a break universe!

I know I’m not as stupid as he tells the kids.  I may not be slim but I know that I’m not as revolting as he convinces me some days.  Useless to him as he points out daily, but I know I’m not.  Others complimenting me, he tells me people always tell the ugly they are pretty to make themselves feel better.  Anyone can cook, it’s not like your cooking gourmet meals – he’s right, I don’t cook gourmet meals but dammit I try almost 7 night a weeks to cook from scratch!

We need a movement that helps all victims who are stuck in awful situations to get out and not have to starve or go on the system.  Yes I can get another job and never be home, who will raise the kids?  Who will see if they are okay if I’m not there?  Kids need parents to raise them not to raise themselves.

Feeling hopeless with no options  happens to many on a daily basis, it breaks us.  We continue to live lives we can’t take anymore but we somehow manage to do so.  We show the world we can, just barely.

What changes can we make world where people don’t have to stay in abusive situations because of money?  Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does buy us the freedoms we need to live a normal life.  Money is very important otherwise millions of people wouldn’t be stuck in shitty situations.

Venya♥

Work saved my sanity

Being a working woman was exhilarating especially since I didn’t have to be home with his parent 24/7! I loved going to work, putting on a uniform, putting on my makeup, looking the part of someone who was necessary in this world.  This was the best thing I ever did for myself, get a job where I could be outside the home and have some sort of socializing!  I made many friends at my new haven.  Men, women, their families and random strangers, I was full to the brim with love from others.  I was full of life and usually the life of the party when I was outside of my in laws home.  When people left my presence they usually remembered me for some time afterwards.

In the presence of people I was (and still am) in my element, I thrived and I grew as a person.

I am meant to be with people all the time, (Indian Oprah) I know this is my path! When I look back to when I was a little girl, even then people were drawn to me.  My parents didn’t like it but it was true, I was outgoing and chatty.  I engaged EVERYONE into conversations the grocery store employees, the seniors, babies, people at my gurdwara, relatives etc.  If they would let me, I would talk with them.

This new found freedom of working outside of the home was something else. It’s like looking up at the sun, eyes closed and really feeling the love from the sun while taking deep breaths being thankful for this universe and all it has to offer.

But, when it was time to go back home, my stomach would go into a frenzy with anxiety as soon as I could see the house in the distance. I would get worried about what was going to happen to me today?  Was it the silent treatment, a slap, demeaning words or was it going to be small talk?

How is it that a nice house from the outside could hold such ugly secrets? Did anyone have the ability to see thru the house and see all the secrets it held?  Did anyone walking by that house ever hear my screams of terror or the yelling matches that were as frequent as the sun rising?  Could they sense that something wasn’t right behind the closed doors?  Did it really have to be this way?  Could they hear my blood curdling screams in the middle of the nights from my night terrors?  Why did I have this double life and what had I done to deserve it?

He was still with his girlfriend, over a year into my marriage with him and I still hadn’t won him over. How did I know?  Because she had actually become my friend, young and stupid me wanted to know about her and him together as a couple.  There was a part of me that studied her to see if I could be like her.  That was not going to happen!  Her and I were quite opposite in looks and demeanor.

He continued to hit me or throw me around the walls when he felt like it. His parents (mostly mom) were emotionally abusive towards me.  I was tormented by them daily as a team against Venya’s existence.

How can everyone outside this house love me so much while everyone outside it loved me??? What was I doing so wrong that they treated me like an unworthy piece of shit?

His brother was my best friend inside the house. During the course of my marriage, he had been a confidante.  He saw everything, heard everything yet said he couldn’t do anything more for me except rip his brother off me whenever “it got to be too much.”  I talked to him about everything; he told me everything about his life.  Sunny was  a little brother to me, helpless yet trying to help me.

I was pulling this double life role off without a hitch! No one would have EVER guessed my home life situation (some to this day don’t know!).  Could they really not see the sadness in my eyes?  Were they oblivious to my pain?  I thought people were able to read people’s unhappiness?

Life became a cycle: Get up, make sure I look presentable, do my household duties for/with my mother in law, go to work (sheer enjoyment!) come home (anxiety starts), maybe get into an argument with my husband or his family, sex(dependent of moods), and go to sleep.  Repeat.

For those of you wondering, yes I had sex with him. Why?  Because as a living mammal I had needs and there was a big part of me that was trying to win him.  Sex and food were supposed to be guaranteed ways to secure a man, right?  And I actually like sex…

6 months into having a job, I was getting the hang of “the cycle” and was just keeping my head above water. On the other side my mother in law was growing angry because I was in some sort of routine and seemed fairly happy.

That woman, to this day, cannot handle anyone being happy but her, so she started destroying me in a way I had never imagined….

Venya♥

My first job after I got married

1 year had passed and I was finally ALLOWED to go work outside of the home! I was sooo excited that I had secured a job and really loved it!  It was so liberating to go into the real world everyday by myself without my mother in law or husband with me.  To  the bus, I skipped the whole way, smiling ear to ear.  I was like Happy out of the 7 little dwarfs, hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.  Determined to do something other than be treated like crap I got up with excitement  and purpose every morning because at some point I was going to be out of the house and be myself without having to put on an act or be submissive.  Joining the workforce was very easy, I have an outgoing friendly personality so making friends and learning are second nature.  I loved that I was “on – training” at work, how important was that?!?!  I was surrounded by many beautiful people that I looked forwarded to seeing every day.

The first 2 weeks of work went relatively well at home. I would get up in the morning, do my household chores and then I would go to work, missing all the evening drama at home!  Instead I would be laughing with all sorts of people and enjoying what freedom felt like.  Keeping up with the household duties were a must or else I knew I would be asked to quit going to work and I couldn’t risk that.  Getting up early and then I would run around cleaning up the mess of the previous night because my fat ass mother in law left things on purpose to teach me a lesson.  Me being young = being the energizer bunny.  I would do all my chores and take her wherever she needed to go before my shift and then, it was like, see you later suckers!

Raj and I saw less of each other but I was less lonely than I had been being with his family every day. We hadn’t really fought those few weeks,  I was getting into the groove being a married working woman.  I think he also liked me being busy, less chances of me investigating his whereabouts and asking questions like a detective.  He and I didn’t really talk during my first few weeks of working but at least we weren’t fighting.  I was content with that, married but alone yet happy!

Our fighting restarted when I received my first pay check. I, naïve and stupid, went home and showed my husband my pay check.  He was very excited for me to have a pay cheque.  I then went and told his parents about my first pay check and that I would be ordering dinner with my money.  The paying part was okay but it was not okay that I had a real paycheck.  His mom made a strong statement about how daughter in laws need to hand over their pay checks to their mother in laws to run the houses expenses.  She demanded it again and I didn’t really respond to that.  She repeated herself a couple of times, but I was just thinking that I’m the one who went to work so I should keep it not her!

When I was a young girl I saw my parents had one bank account and shared all expenses, my dad handled all the money. My mom didn’t work so I guess it made sense.  Now as married young woman, my mother and father had reminded me that my paychecks need to go to my husband as he is head of the relationship.  I subtly protested and my parents firmly told me nice girls don’t set up separate bank accounts from their husbands.  I was actually okay giving my money over for the greater good as a couple.

As instructed by my parents and after thinking about what I had grown up around, I handed over my first paycheck blindly to my husband. At the time it was just a paycheque, when I look back, I had actually handed him my freedom and did so every 2 weeks.  I would get a weekly allowance from him and that was all that I would/could spend and the rest was going to the future.  In fairness to him, I did receive more money when I needed and I was never without anything I needed.  In fact, I was spoiled materially and still am…

Although I gave him my pay, he still didn’t have any more respect for me. There was a place in my mind and heart that I hoped he would maybe love me now that I was earning money for “us”.  I wasn’t as useless as he was saying or they were saying.  No such luck, our fighting continued. 

At this point I don’t really remember a harsh fight where it got physical.  He kept seeing his girlfriend; I kept up with the housework and worked outside the home.  I was happy with the people at work, we ate, laughed and lived.  To the naked eye I had a life that was going in the right direction.  20, with a handsome husband, (who had a respectable job), working, lived with the in laws and was always happy.  At times even I thought I was living the life that others believe I had.  Some days I actually forgot that I was in an abusive relationship and that at any given time I would be slapped across the face or would be humiliated by him and his family.  There many days that I was actually happy (rose colored glasses).  On top of that I was constantly competing for my husbands acceptance and attention with his girlfriend AND mother!!!

I was, am and forever will be an optimistic person.

Venya♥

My husband’s girlfriend

We met outside of her work place. I was nervous as hell and wasn’t sure how this was going to go. She looked nonchalant and confident. I must admit she was pretty and her smile was warm. I don’t quite recall how our conversation started but we spoke for over an hour.

The reason I was there was because, I needed to hear her version of the events and what was going on. So I asked her, are you still seeing Raj? Her answer was yes. I then asked her how could she continue to see him without feeling guilty. Her answer, “Simple, because he was mine before you came into the picture, in fact you are the one that should be letting go not me.”

I hadn’t even thought of it from her point of view until that moment. She was right! He was hers before I came into the picture; he was hers for the last 4 years, I just recently was added to his life. I was brought into his life by his parents and next thing you know, we were married.

She told me their plans for their wedding. Her parents loved him and they were happy to have him as a son in law, they had been devastated by the news of his arranged marriage. She had been devastated because of his arranged marriage. She told me all about birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, weddings etc. that his family had included her in for the last few years. When he had broken the news to her, she too had been shattered to the core. A girl imagines her wedding day, especially if there is a groom in mind, and then to have your dreams stomped is not easy to get over.

Me: “Why did he marry me and not you if you two were so happy together?”

Her: “He didn’t tell you???” She laughs in my face. “I’m not from the right caste!!! His parents didn’t know up until recently that I’m from a different caste then them. Once they figured that part out, I was basically taken out of the equation for their household. They forbade him to see me or continue a relationship with me, hence his arranged marriage to you. I wasn’t good enough for their son or their family anymore because of my caste. We still love each, always will, no one is going to stop us from being together.”

Me: “But if he loves you so much, why did he go through with our marriage? He could have said no, in fact I had asked him to say no so I could have more time being single. I wasn’t quite ready to be married but my dad felt burdened by me so he pushed me out the door.  But, he had insisted on going through with the marriage.”

Her: “I asked him the same thing. He said you were a nice girl, doesn’t seem to mean and feisty exactly Indian wife material. The next arranged girl may not be a nice as you and you were much younger, meaning mouldable. I was super pissed at him, but he told me he wasn’t letting go of me, he was just getting a daughter in law for his parents. You were for the family not him. He promised it would always be him and I and you were going to fill in the daughter in law and wife responsibilities, that’s it. He even told he would have sex with you once in a while, that was not an easy one to swallow but I knew it was inevitable.”

Me: “Could you stop seeing him, so I have a chance in that house. His mom is not very nice and he too is very mean to me. If you were to step aside maybe I can win them over? Do you not understand how hard this is for me? I had no idea that this is what I had signed up for! As a fellow woman please let him go and let me start my marriage with him, I’m stuck as well.”

Her: “I told you the truth at the restaurant, why did you marry him? Maybe you should be the one to walk away? He was mine before you came and will always be mine, no matter what. You knowing he had me decided to carry through with the wedding. How do you think I felt? Do you think it was easy for me?   You took away my place in his family. You took any chance I had of creating a life with him. Now he will continue to visit me here and there but our future has been altered and that’s your fault. We had a our own place, I even told you about it, we had our life planned out! You should be the one to let him go, not me. Maybe you should come over and see our place and then it will make sense to you. He has bought everything in that place for me. He pays the rent for me, we have a bed together, we have anniversaries and birthdays together. He washes MY car, gases it up, and takes ME out for dinner and movies. What does he do for you? Nothing, right? His closet is full of clothes that I either picked with him or bought for him. The colognes are of my choice. We have life together and you have what, a piece of paper?”

Me: “To be honest, I tried to stop the wedding but my parents wouldn’t let me back out of the already planned wedding. To keep the face of the family, I had to go through with it. No part of me wanted to marry him; I was forced to do so by my parents. On top of it, when my parents asked his parents about you, they said I was lying and trying to make their son look bad. My dad wouldn’t listen to me and still won’t let me come home. I really would love to give up my spot as his wife to you but honestly I don’t know how, I’m 20 and unsupported by my parents.  Every time I bring it up my dad swears he’s gong to die of embarrassment.”

We went back and forth in a very civil manner, no hair was pulled or loud voices used. We were both trying to explain our selves to the other while listening. The hour ran out quickly. It was decided that we still had so much more too discussed and exchanged numbers.  I walked away feeling bad for her. She really had planned her life with him; it wasn’t fair to her either as a woman. She was just fighting for what was rightfully hers. I was the one who ruined her marriage to be. I was the roadblock for her. The guilt was washing over me; I had screwed her up without even knowing it.

Why god, why were you putting me through this??? What had I ever done to be in this kind of circumstance? What kind of sick joke was this?  20 years old, naïve, playful and no real life experience, only book smart, loves everyone, would never hurt anyone – not a malicious person at all!

On the ride home I was angry at my parents for making me marry him.  Angry with him for doing this to me.  Angry at his parents for being lying assholes! I was angry at her to for not stopping the marriage. At the same time I was sad for her, felt sorry for my parents for being so backwards but, mostly I was sad for me. In this entire mess why didn’t anyone care or think about me? Why did my parents give me up to this fuck head of a man, throw me to my in laws so they can feast on my soul and then make me the laughing stock of all his friends and family who knew about HER. To this day, I still would like to know why me? I sat in the car with all these thoughts running through my head. I didn’t say much, just repeated the conversation in my head with her like a record player.

She didn’t seem like a bad person, and I’m not a bad person, so how did we end up here in this love triangle??? The rage was igniting within me against Raj, time to create a fire.

-Venya

Finding Answers

What was so special about her that he loved her so much and he treated me like crap? Actually, better question was, what was she lacking that he didn’t marry her but married me instead.  Without even digging, I knew I was wife material.

Me:

I loved family, ALL of it. I was resilient and I let a lot of things slide because, “ life was too short”.  I actually liked to cook and clean for everyone (I still do J ).  I was very much a domesticated creature yet I loved being social and could have all sorts of conversations with random strangers.  I guess am adaptable, personable, loving, caring and most of the time I put others needs before my own.  He recognized these traits in me before I knew they existed.  I have learned this about myself through my journey about who I really am.   I would give a stranger the shirt off my back if I needed to.  I did lots of volunteer work and loved spending time with orphans and the less fortunate.  I feed and LOVE the entire neighborhood; I will take care of anyone blindly if it’s required.  Through our few conversations on the phone, he knew all of this about me and I feel he took advantage of a “nice” girl to please his family.  I was the girl next door with love in her heart and a smile that matched her outlook for this world.   

I starting searching for answers about her and boy did I find!   I started out by asking his brother, Sunny, about information about their relationship and boy did he tell!  He let me know that she was a huge part of their family.  She came over for all the holidays and celebrations and was a part of the family.  She even attended some weddings with the family as Raj’s girlfriend.  He shared many stories about her leading me to the conclusion she was accepted whole heartedly by the parents.

Her:

Then I moved onto the girlfriends and wives of his friends and again, if you ask you shall receive!!! I heard a lot about her.  She was nice but somewhat inappropriate at times.  I was told her nickname by the other girls was “cleavage”.  Apparently when everyone went out together no one wanted to hang out with her as she was rude and obnoxious when she was drunk.  She was nice to the girls but the girls say they didn’t really like her personality as she was the “partying type.”  Some said they dreaded her arrival because they never knew what to expect of her, she was  a wild card.  Not a single girl from “the group” said they really liked being with her or if she was even good for Raj.  One girl did say her mother in law had received a call from Raj’s mom asking for help in breaking up their relationship, hmmm… 

My research found that she was a party girl who liked to drink, helped herself to drugs and dressed in skimpy clothes. It seemed that Raj followed her around like a lost puppy and was committed to being with her despite the advice of his friends gave him to dump her.  She may have been the lost girl and Raj was going to “fix” her?

Nobody really said anything positive her. In contrast when I would be talking to my sources, they would compare her and I say that I was a god send in comparison.  Once girl confessed how confused she was at the engagement when she saw me instead of her.  She thought maybe she wasn’t remembering the other girl right.  She said a few of the girls were whispering at the wedding ceremony about the bride mix up.  Clearly they were expecting her and not me to walk down the aisle!  At the reception the girls openly talked with their partners and the guys said they weren’t interfering with Raj’s life.  They didn’t want to get involved in what he was doing to whom and advised the ladies to do the same.

I had heard enough I needed to hear from people time to move onto my next assignment, breaking into his email and phones…

-Venya♥