How to teach consent in a nutshell

All this talk about what is and isn’t consent is driving me crazy! What’s all the confusion for?!?!?  I’ve heard some really interesting thoughts on how to figure it out. Really, its quite simple!  This is for men (or women) who don’t understand what consent is and how it feels when you don’t want something or maybe not even know how to stop it.

Put a straight guy in a room full of gay men who find him attractive or just haven’t had sex in awhile. When the gay men approach him or grope him or say things or encourage him “to try” it will be fine, he will get the idea of boundaries and what consent is.  I truly believe this will teach them what it feels like to consent or not to consent.  We can even make it fun for this lesson in consent.  There can be scenarios like lots of alcohol, promotion for a job, revealing clothes (love a hairy chest!), walking in the park/trail, waiting for the bus, at a party with your friends, sleepover at a friends house etc.   Would love to hear the straight mans comments after a couple of these encounters.  I wonder if they would report it to anyone?

A little trick for women to try at home with their men who are confused about consent. Try putting a finger (or toy) up your mans ass during sex, you’ll know at that time they actually understand consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well.  There is no confusion when it’s their bodies but with women’s bodies they don’t understand?  Maybe this can help them figure it out.  Maybe they will like it and they don’t know they would like it or maybe they will do it to make you happy and regret it later or maybe they won’t know how to say no or stop you.  I wonder if they will report it to anyone?

Another idea we can try. Let a straight man drink an excessive amount of alcohol and let a gay man make love to him without sober consent.  When he wakes up to semen on his face and ass full of semen, another man next to him, what will he do?  Will he gather all is clothes and say thanks for a great night or will he run out ashamed or will he want to punch him in the face?  Do you think he will report it?

Just a few thoughts, so tired of this “what is consent” game. This is my suggestion going forward,  put straight men with gay men and they will easily see what consent is all about.  If you have any better ideas let me know so we can share with the world and hopefully figure out this consent thing.

I personally have had my experiences with men who weren’t sure if I consented or not but went ahead anyway.  Would love to see them really learn consent through a practicum.  And no, I didn’t report it… even if I had nothing would have happened in my favor.

Venya♥

Sex Toys for all?

I usually blog about life as me, Venya, but today I’m going to blog about sex.  There are so many stories daily about women, children and few men that are being raped, sexually abused or molested.  I am compelled to give my opinion to the world, you may not care but I’m putting it out there.  I feel I have a solution.

By nature I’m a very sexual person, and I’m not shy to talk about the taboo subject.  Being an Indian girl from a “decent” family I was told not to talk about such things. Today as an adult woman, living my own life I talk and discuss sex freely with like minded individuals.

This brings me to my topic today, sexual abuse/frustration.  Not mine but others.  I will also use India for my examples as it’s my home country.  Most of the articles I come across and read are usually women/children being sexually abused in India.  Some of the victims are as young as 18 months and others are married to the perpetrator.  I have racked my brain as to why sex is so forbidden in India and cannot come to a real conclusion.  Sex is a human need and desire which translates into a beautiful thing when it’s consensual.  I do know that people are very sexually frustrated there and in turn don’t know what to do with themselves so they abuse others sexually.

After talking to some people from India I have come to these conclusions:

  • Everyone is doing it
  • Some are doing it with family members
  • Some are doing it with animals
  • Some are doing it forcefully
  • Some are doing it consensually
  • Some love it
  • Some hate it
  • Some don’t care for it but feel obliged to engage in it to prove their love
  • Most are hiding they are doing it, even the married couples
  • Plenty of people enjoy doing it but won’t speak about it openly
  • Even the ones doing it are pointing the finger at others for engaging in such acts
  • You are punished severely if anyone finds out your doing it before marriage

Of course, people are doing it!  Otherwise the population wouldn’t be so high!  A billion people didn’t fall from the sky!

What bothers me are why are so many people sexually frustrated (that turns abusive) if the country is clearly populated so well?  I think, because no one is allowed to really talk openly about it.

I have a solution, and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

Why doesn’t India (or any other country) give out free sex toys as part of a mental and physical health initiative?  I’m not talking oils, feathers and rings.  I’m talk about a vibrator for women and an artificial vagina for the men.  When the urge comes on (and it does, we are mammals)  we should be able to bring out our toy and please ourselves.  This way no man will never be without hopefully less frustrated = less forced sex.  And the women can please them selves as they wish without being labelled or blackmailed for being a human with needs.

Think about it, if a man who is really needing sex can resort to pleasuring himself with an artificial vagina wouldn’t that save some poor child/women’s body/dignity/self esteem?

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I truly feel a system like this will bring down the monstrous behaviour that men are showing towards females/males of all ages.  There is no reason an 18 month baby girl should be raped.  If that man had that handy vagina, he could have had his release in a less destructive way.  If an artificial vagina can save lives, give the men 2 or 3 of them!

Just like birth control should be available and free, vibrators and artificial vaginas should be made readily available at no cost.  It should be available through a Dr.

This may sound insane but I think I’m onto something here.  What do you think?

Venya♥

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First Christmas with the in laws…

Ahh, I lay in bed smiling, thinking Christmas is right around the corner. I’ve started all sorts of lists of what to buy my new family, what they needs, how impressive my 1st Christmas will be with them!!!  To the credit of Raj, money has NEVER been an issue in my marriage and actually it’s just never been an issue for me EVER!  Thank you universe 🙂  I make my list and show Raj to get his approval and off we go and start collecting all sorts of presents.  In my mind this was going to make them love me.  I was going to buy them whatever it was needed, craved or ever wanted in the name of Christmas and they will hug me and say, “Venya we were so wrong about you.  We are so happy that you have married our son on blind faith, from this day forward you are a treasure to us.”

After weeks of shopping and wrapping up beautiful presents, judgement day has come. Everything looked perfect, the tree, decorations, presents but most of all I’m giving credit to my own excitement.  At the very moment an outsider could never have guessed that I was a girl who had been beaten, belittle and abused by this family.  Forgiveness and getting over things has been a strong suit of mine.

All I wanted for Christmas was a family who would give me a chance to be a part of them, to be happy and most of all to grow with them as a young woman.

Christmas morning arrives; I’m running around with so much excitement like a 10 year old child, I was 20 at the time. As quickly as possible, waking up Raj and Sunny, putting tea on for mom and dad and starting breakfast so we could go straight to opening the presents.  I was so excited!!! My first Christmas with my husband of 6 months and my new family!  Nothing can go wrong, right?  I have my camera on the table for all the cheesy pictures and chocolates to go as we would laze around talking opening presents.  We would have a great day, talking and being grateful for each other and all that we have.

Raj and Sunny were easy to get into the mood, slowly but surely they both make their way to the living room.

My father in law was muttering that in their house this is the first Christmas and it is a waste of money, not necessary, for white people, no meaning to us etc. In all fairness to him, he thinks ALL holidays are a waste of money.  He would rather just a have a meal, some drinks, and some laughs.  But he was being a good sport and coming out of his room and doing what I asked of him, sit on the couch and just smile, your surrounded by your growing family.

Dearest mother in law has to make the grand entrance as usual and sits herself on the couch next to dad. I like an excited puppy, start handing out presents to all of them hoping to see happy reactions from them.  They slowly start opening presents and I intently watch them.

As I watch them, in my head I’m saying a prayer, please let them like their presents, they hate me enough, don’t give them more of a reason too do so…

One buy one everyone opens their presents, no one is as happy as I thought they would be. I’m thoroughly disappointed by their reactions.  In fact my mother in law was very rude about the lack of value of her presents.  That didn’t even make sense because for each person we had a huge limit!!!  My heart of course breaks.  I had put so much thought and time into their presents and they were being very mean to me.  Is there nothing that mom and dad actually liked???  How could I be so off?  What was it going to take to make them happy?  According to them my personality sucked, my physical self was awful and I wasn’t a great homemaker.  Now I didn’t know how to buy worthy presents for them?  Why did I suck so much????

Later in the afternoon I approached Raj about my disappointment about Christmas morning. I let him know how crushed I was with their reactions, especially since I had put so much time and effort into my endless lists.  In my mind I had a home run with his family.  They were supposed to love the thought I had put into them.  I continued to ask him, “Why don’t they like any of the presents?”  In turn, he got mad at me.  His reason was that I didn’t try hard enough, I could have picked more thoughtful gifts, why I didn’t spend more on them?  I of course, fought back and let him know that I really really tried to make them happy and make Christmas special.  He was very unsupportive of my complaining basically undermining my thoughts and feelings.  His solution was, you could have tried harder and given it more heart to each person.   He goes on to let me know, there was no cap on the spending so why was I being so cheap?   I could have given them more but I’ve made my bed and I have to lay in it.

Being 20, naïve, young and optimistic I thought this was going to be the best Christmas ever and I wanted answers to why it didn’t turn out how I had anticipated it. He knew his family were being difficult, he also acknowledged we did spend a lot of money unnecessarily.  He also said his mom can be greedy most times and continually unhappy with people.

He was frustrated with me for asking him why and with them for being assholes to me. He did what he knew best, he became abusive.  His Christmas gift to me was unwrapped and unravelled.

He started yelling at me and then he slapped me across the face.  He was in a rage as to why I was so difficult and why can’t I fit in with his family.  Being abused was not on my Christmas wish list!!! 

This was not the Merry Christmas I thought it would be. 20 and newly married to this man and his family, I didn’t want another Christmas in this family.  I didn’t want Christmas in general ever again where presents are going to determine if I’m worthy or not.

Venya♥

Strike 1

I can still feel the sting of the first time he slapped me across the face. That slap was the beginning of the physical abuse that would take over my life.  Raj and I fought day in and day out.  He would disappear for hours and days and I would confront him about his whereabouts.  I could always tell that he was so frustrated with me but didn’t know what to do.  I’m sure he was caught in a dilemma himself.  He loved another woman, but his parents didn’t approve of her, so he married the girl that his parents approved of but he didn’t love her.  His did what was right in society and for his parents but he wronged me and his girlfriend.

In her defence, I’m sure she was shattered by all of this too. She invested many days, months, and years into a man who ultimately did what his parents wanted him to do.  He chose his parents happiness over hers.  I know that Raj had become a part of her family as well; she must have had some explaining to do about the situation with me in the mix!  Every girl dreams about the perfect man who will treat her as if she is the best thing on Earth, she too, was let down by him.  He probably let her imagine a wedding, life, family and happiness as a couple.  She like me, must’ve had dreams and hopes that he took away from her.  It was an injustice to her as well as to me.

His mom became very rude towards me as the days passed. She became very territorial of her house and her boys.  Nonetheless, I was very uncomfortable there when it was just her and I alone.  She would start to pick on my body, hair, face, smarts, housekeeping skills or whatever it was she wanted to do that day.  I would go to my room and just cry and ask the universe, what did I ever do to deserve this treatment?  Her whole demeanor towards me was full of hate and I am a soft hearted person, I couldn’t handle the hate that I saw no reason for.  I would talk to myself and wait for Dad, Sunny or Raj to come home to divert her attention.  I thought I was going to go insane with this woman all the time.  I was already unhappy about being with her all day and then on top of it, I was always thinking about Raj and his girlfriend.  What were they doing?  Where were they?  Are they fucking right now?  Is she cooking for him?  Why did he marry me???  I wanted to run away, but where would I go with no money at the age of 20?  I had lived a very sheltered life and was very naïve and gullible, thanks for the non-life skills mom and dad!  I would tell my mom and she would console me by saying he will accept you soon, just don’t give up.  My dad wouldn’t say much except, “Your kismet was written when you were born, nothing I can do.  My hands are tied, God has chosen this path for you.”  UMM I know!  How about you let me back home DAD!?!?!

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My parents “gave me space” to let me “adjust” to my new life and I resented them for that. In fact, they told my sister to stay away as well because she was not helping the situation by being supportive to me.  She would come over at times and “rescue” me for the evening.  I loved those evenings with her, it was safe and secure with her.  It was like my parents had just given me up to these strangers and said, “Please have your way with our daughter and we will never stop you from treating her badly.  You own her now; we relinquish all rights on her.” I felt so alone and scared without my parents by my side amongst this family of terror.

My father in law and Sunny (his brother) continued to be nice to me. Once in a while when my mother in law was ripping into me for something or another he would say to her, “That’s enough, stop harassing her, she’s just a child.”  That was always met with hostility, swearing and a backlash from his wife.  At times when she was putting me down, he would just go to his room and say nothing.  With my eyes I would beg him to at least stay there but he never stayed, it was too much for him to listen and too hard for him to stop her.  He did defend me in regards to the housework to her.  “She does as much as you ask, the house is clean, dinner was good, she is trying let her be.  She is the daughter of my friend and I had made promise to him that I need to keep.  I don’t want to be the cause of her tears how will I face her dad, my friend?  She hasn’t done anything wrong to be yelled at like that.  Why are you treating her like this.”  Eventually he would give up and let her attack me verbally.

Sometime after our 3 month mark of being married, due to me persistently questioning, he couldn’t handle the pressure so he slapped me right across the face. I couldn’t believe it!  At this very moment I can feel the burn on my cheek.  That was the first time he hit me, that was the first time I gave him permission to abuse me beyond belief.  I remember sobbing and holding my cheek and sliding down the wall just crumbling to the floor.  Why would he hit me???  So many thoughts were in my head, did he hit her too or was it just me?   For our 1 month anniversary he had taken me out to a 5 star restaurant, I thought that we were at least friends!!!  For our second month anniversary he had surprised me with earrings and now he slapped me!  20 years old, in a marriage that I had refused, treated badly by her mother in law and now he hit me?!?!?  For fucks sake what had I done so terrible in my 20 years of existence that I deserved this treatment by him or his family.  Was there seriously something I was lacking?  At some point I got myself off the floor and went to bed silently to fall asleep.  I was sleeping with the enemy and I told no one about it.

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Venya♥

Wedding Day Part 3

Hmm, I wonder if I am going to puke out this beautiful lunch that my dad has provided for all the wedding guests. I knew I was stuck; it wasn’t until years later that I figured how stuck I would actually be. After a few bites of my food, I should have pigged out in front of his family turning them so off so they left me; we are now being told to get up. Next part of my big fat Indian wedding was the dramatic photo shoot. I slowly trail behind my new husband, like a good obedient wife, to the white stretch limo waiting for us outside. This is the first time that we have a real opportunity to talk that is if we wanted to. I get in the limo as he does and next thing I know his family and friends are piling in with us, the more the merrier! I have no problems with this, I didn’t want to be alone with him anyway.

We make our way to the first stop, the view is amazing, the sun is shining and I feel like shit. We all climb or stumble out of the limo, some of them have already started to drink and are having way too much fun. The photographers are in charge of us now. He is hanging out with his friends and family and I have a couple of designated aunties to look after me. When the location has been chosen, the camera guy asks us to hold hands and walk in front of him as he shoots the video. HOLD HANDS with HIM?!!? He looks at me and I at him. This is awkward for both of us as we know the truth; it’s not my hand he should be holding it’s his girlfriends. Against my better judgment, I grab the hand that’s outreached in my direction. Camera man yells commands at us: smile, talk, look happy, look at each other, and walk closer. OMG fucking god I’m holding the hand of the guy who took me out to introduce me to his girlfriend before him and I tied the knot?!?!? What’s wrong with me??? My parents and their lack of support is what’s wrong with me! Anyway, after a series of awkward poses and pretending to be in love, our 2 hour photo shoot is complete. It was weird to put my head on his shoulder and close my eyes as if I felt secure. Security was the furthest thing from my mind since the day of the Lunch. Hugging him for the camera was not exactly natural either, I’m definitely affectionate but I had a hard time with the person I was hugging. We all pile up in the limo and head off to my house for the official departure from my house into his.

My stomach is in knots, I am going back home and taking my “husband” with me for the first time. This is not what I ever imagined; I wanted to take someone home that would create butterflies in my stomach, not puke! We pull up to my house, people are everywhere. My family is trying to entertain his family. The men are getting hammered and the ladies are doing their thing, whatever their thing is. As soon as the car is parked my family opens the door to the limo and I exit as fast as I could straight to my room. I don’t look at anyone on the way to my room; I do know I am being followed by footsteps. I collapse on my bed in my full wedding outfit. It’s my sister, cousins and friends that are trailing me. I hadn’t told any of my friends and most of my relatives about the truth. I was too embarrassed to tell them what was happening to me. What was I supposed to say?  It was my dirty little secret about my marriage arrangement.

“Hey guys, just so you know, I’m marrying a guy who is living with someone else and has been for the last four years. He’s marrying me to keep his parents happy because I guess I’m wife material. He loves her and she loves him but since I’m 19 and probably won’t find any better than him in the next few years, I’ll marry this guy. Oh and my dad won’t let me back out of this marriage because of family honour AND he claims he might have a heart attack which will be caused by me making my own decision. Both my grandfathers also may have heart attacks due to shame that I would bring on to the family if I don’t marry this asshole. My mom has not defended me because she doesn’t know how and my dad has silenced her with threats. I am taking the bullet in the name of family honour but PLEASE join me at my wedding and we can pretend it’s all good. By the way his parents are greedy assholes too and it seems like he does whatever they want him too, no matter at what or who’s cost. Yay, I’m so excited you must must must attend” – said no on ever!

My friends and family are all over me, do you need a drink, food help in the washroom? How were the pictures? I answer in one word answers, fine, yes, no and smile. After about half an hour my Mom comes to my door and says, “It’s time to go”. I don’t know what to do or say so I just burst out in tears. (and now the tears have started presently 😦 ) While crying herself, she hugs me tightly and coerces me out the door where my family is waiting for me to say their good byes. My auntie takes over because my Mom is leaned up against a wall crying her eyes out. I wish my mom told me to run away or don’t go that guys house, Mom say something!  Stop crying like your the one being given away to animals.  My auntie walks me halfway down the stairs and I run back up, bawling my eyes out trying not to trip over my lengha. Why are they getting rid of me if it’s so hard for them to do anyway?!?! My auntie chases me up the stairs and we start the descend downstairs and this time we complete it. I remember being a complete mess, crying so hard, tissues being soaked with snot and tears and my poor heart beating so fast.  This was one of the saddest days of my life.

They sit me down beside him on a chair in the living room. The good byes start. I look up at everyone with pleading eyes, the people that care about me are there crying their eyes out to but no one is doing anything about this! Most of my uncles were bawling their eyes out, apparently to this date, no one in our family has had such a sad good bye as me. From what I can remember not a soul was smiling or happy, the kids were even shocked at what was happening.  I go through the ritual of throwing rice in all four corners of the house, something sweet to eat and monetary gifts and my Dad starts to walk me out of the house to the limo. More tears, presently now and in the past. I remember being leaned up against him, body limp against his and him basically dragging me to the limo. I even asked him, let me stay for a bit longer, he said it was time for me to go. I had never hugged everyone so tightly in my life before as I did that day as I faced my fate. I had never cried as hard as that day. This was the most devastating day in my life. at some point I was basically nudged into the limo by my brother and no one was allowed to come to the car anymore. I couldn’t do anything but cry and hope this was just a nightmare as my brother closed the door on me. Looking out the window, I sobbed, everyone was getting smaller but my tears were getting bigger. Please someone stop this bullshit! Someone, anyone please save me!!! This is all wrong. We turn the corner, I know it’s over for me. I face my whole body towards the car door and continue to cry quietly and at times tempted to swing the door open and jump. The limo full of people was now quiet as a mouse except for me crying. He was now officially in charge my body, my thoughts, my aspirations, my choices, my everything and anything. This is when I officially gave myself up to the devil and his family to make my parents happy.

I would soon be sleeping with the enemy.

-Venya♥

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