School – A Good Distraction

For those of you following my blog, I’ve decided to continue to write my story to empower other women and as therapy for myself.

The days of my life continued on like a bad dream. Being content on the “normal” days of my life and hating life on those days that I could have done without.  I was doing my best to keep distracted although it was tough through the tears.

As a young girl I had had many aspirations of who and what to become when I was a grown up. My father had agreed with me on the profession of  a lawyer (not sure why he agreed, its take education to become a lawyer and he wasn’t ready to give me the right to school).  Some days I thought about nursing, hairdressing, Immigration officer etc.  Instead of allowing me to pursue any sort of post secondary I was forced to marry the asshole.  A little later than the usual I decided to go back to school part time while I worked during the day.  I was about 21 and started my journey to be a nurse!  I was finally going to do something with my life!

I must credit Raj with helping me and yes “allowing” me to go to school. His parents were NOT supportive that their slave daughter in law go to school and work, who would make roti and do the dishes???  Raj helped my choose a path and supported me financially and emotionally to tackle the world of academics.  I was ever so grateful to him!  Starting out slow I was going to school in the evenings which meant more nights away from that hell.  I embraced my new life, literally skipping to school.

Half a year went by and I didn’t even notice! By nature I thoroughly enjoyed school.  I loved learning, loved having all the answers and loved being amongst like minded people.  I loved my teacher, made beautiful friends who never really knew the real me and maybe I didn’t know the real them.  Nevertheless I enjoyed their company on those nights, it was better than being at home alone and unhappy.  I completed my night school and was ready to dive into the full time program.  That meant quit my full time job and have no income until I was done with my nursing dream.

Life at home didn’t change, he would go out, yell at me, beat me at times and I would in return serve him and his family all with a smile. His parents continued on treating me like shit and I continued taking it.  I was extremely lonely and wanted to get out somehow and saw education as a means to do so.  Still, not speaking the truth to anyone, especially to the other girls at school.  I needed to get full time enrollment for several different reasons but mostly for my sanity and to plan my escape.  Amidst the chaos, I applied for a spot and got it!  That was early in the year.  In order to pursue my life through education, one day after a bad fight with Raj I decided to pack my shit and leave him.

He tried to stop me but I walked out with a promise of never coming back.  Got on transit and off I went in tears of confusion.

With all that I could put into a carrying bag I showed up at my parents house. I can tell you my mom was happy to see me but not happy with my intentions to leave the marriage.  I walked through the door and made myself at home.  I was never going back to him or those fuck faces.  It was time for me to be me after all I was not even 22, plenty of time to be the woman I needed to be.   After almost 2 years of violence and abuse I was FREE!!!!

Venya ♥

13 Reasons Why… I’m Happy!

What a brilliant idea by Virtual Vomit! I hope everyone reading feels the same excitement as I’m feeling!!!  Instead of being negative and depressed I would rather be happy and optimistic, it’s much easier to be happy.

I am very happy because I’m healthy, all my limbs are working.  I might have some tweaks and creaks but overall I’m healthy as a teenager.  Of course I would like to be in better shape and all that jazz, but I’m at peace with the body I have, finally!

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I’m happy I have had the opportunity to experience to be a mother.  It may not be fulfilling and magical ALL the time like in the magazines or on TV.  But it has made me a better, stronger, loving and more patient individual.  I’m incredibly grateful for the teachings I get from these little people.  The joy, frustration, anger, love they cause me is a roller coaster ride, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world!

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My beautiful friends cause me oodles of happiness!  My awesome group of friends is the best hand picked group of ladies in the entire universe.  They are way to loving, nurturing, no judgements, uplifting and so supportive that they bring tears to my eyes.  I am so blessed, despite all the shit I go through, I have these wonderful ladies in my corner.  Love each one of them wherever they may be in the world.

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I’m happy because I have music and dance around me.  My soul is fed through Indian music with a little bit of shaking it.  Whoever created Hindi music, THANK YOU.  It’s Indian music that gets me through the rough days, without it I think I would go crazy.

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I’m happy because when I look out the window, it’s beautiful.  The privilege of living in a peaceful place is humbling.  I’m not around poverty, slums or war at my doorsteps.  Opening the door and leaving the house without worries about being shot or hurt makes me happy and grateful.  I’m surrounded by natural beauty in my backyard why shouldn’t I be happy?!?!?

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My parents being in my life makes me happy.  Every child/parent relationship has it’s up and downs.  My parents are my safe place.  They let me be who I need to be, they let me get out my frustrations and still love me unconditionally.  Even as an adult, I need them today and will forever.

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I’m happy that I have had a built in best friend from the day that I have been born.  My sister, my rock..  I am happy we have an awesome relationship.  She and I are the same but different in so many ways.  We are the sun and the moon, nothing without the other.  A relationship that is positive and fulfilling, we can agree to disagree but still cuddle whether she likes it or not!

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My happiness is at its height during social time.  I thrive in parties, I love to network and talk to random strangers getting to know them.  Socializing is important to me, it’s a life line, a drug for me.  Like a dog needs to be walked, I need to be socialized.  This can be in the form of a dinner date with my friends/colleagues, a big fat Indian wedding with 1000 guests, a fundraiser or a quiet evening on the couch curled up with a loved one.  I love people!

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Money makes me happy.  I know it sounds shallow but let me explain before you judge.  Because I’ve had enough money to make me comfortable my entire life, I’ve been able to buy myself distractions when I’ve been low.  I have used money to get me through some nights when I’ve had no where to go.  When I have needed to eat because my kids and I were hungry, we used money. I’ve never been without anything, thank you universe!  I love money and money loves me.  I do realize money is a bandaid solution and it’s temporary happiness but I’ll take it!  It doesn’t fix problems but it certainly gives us freedom to live this life.

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Chocolate and cake are other sources of my happiness.  There is nothing like good chocolate to taste and a beautifully decorated cake to admire, both make me smile ear to ear.  I find cake decorating so beautiful and interesting.  I’m literally the creep who stares at cakes like a man staring at a hot woman!  I walk through the cake section every chance I get to appreciate the bakers hard work.

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I’m happy because I live in a country where I have freedoms as a woman.  I live in a country where my daughter can be herself and have opportunities that other girls may not have as easily.  I’m happy this place I call home is the land of opportunities without restrictions.  I know she and I can achieve whatever it is if we wants, it’s a real option.  The sky really is the limit.

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I’m happy when I see beautiful artwork and quotes.  My favourite artwork is usually of women.  I find art work of Iconic Women (Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn) absolutely priceless.   I also love folk artwork of Punjabi women, takes me back to my roots.  I love color accented artwork.  I am drawn to artwork of the female body and the beauty of it.  Quotes in beautiful art also bring me happiness.

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The biggest source of my happiness is …. *drum roll* is myself!  I was a little lost for a little over a decade, okay maybe a lot over a decade!  I have finally found myself again.  I have learned how to live and smile again.  Without fully loving myself I can’t love anything to its fullest capacity.  I am extremely happy that I have me again in my life.  I have brought myself hope, ambitions, strength, visions and a reason to make the most of whatever it is that I have.   Beautiful people around me gave me encouragement, but ultimately I had to be the one to start making the changes.  Those changes took way too many years but the changes came.  I AM MY OWN HERO, with the help of others!

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-Venya♥

First Year Wedding Anniversary

Holy shit a whole year has passed by?!?!? Married to an abusive man with a girlfriend on the side, whose family is equally horribly, has gone by and I’m still alive.  Reaching the 1 year mark was bittersweet.

I felt very much accomplished because I was still standing despite all the efforts from his and his family breaking me down. There were many times over the last year that I thought I wasn’t going to last, but I did.  My failed attempt at suicide felt like it was a punishment.  Despite being optimistic, I actually didn’t want to live anymore.  I was being held hostage by him and his family and my parents had thrown out the get of jail card before I could hide it.  Due to all the turmoil I couldn’t think straight anymore as myself, I was always thinking as an abused woman.  Me, Venya had started living in fear, fear of almost everything.  I knew this was not normal but I was adapting to my environment. I didn’t want to be married to his guy but was getting used to it.   This past year was not what I had ever thought in my entire existence that I would endure, but I did.  Life really is full of surprises; I’ve learned all surprises are not all good.

It was mixed feelings, I was proud that I had made it and I was stronger than I had thought, but was so ashamed that an abusive marriage was my reality.

Despite being beaten up physically, emotionally and humiliated over the last year by them I was still smiling. The bruises throughout the had healed but the trauma was etched in my core.  Headaches over the year have subsided but the throbbing was always there.  A full year of cruel words that had been hurled at me were still lingering all around me like a heavy cloud.

The invited guests to my 1st year wedding anniversary party were completed clueless as to what has taken place over the last year.  In the very house they were standing in and having a great time was where all many secrets were buried.

My new pink sari looked classy and elegant on me as I was bombarded with compliments from family and friends. To me the hot pink signified the blood that at times had run out of my body because Raj had hit me too hard.Pink-Saree-Fashionable

 

The new gold earrings that mother in law gifted to me were admired by the ladies in the room. To me the earrings were more weight on my ears that I was going to have to carry.  My ears were already burdened by the name calling and emotional abuse I heard from my in laws.

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My perfectly painted nails to match my sari, at the request of my mother in law, reminded me how I would beg him to stop abusing me with my hands in prayer position. He only stopped when he felt like it, never at my pleading.

The walls that had been decorated held the secrets of my body being thrown against while leaving behind my tears without a trace.

The bathroom was spotless, except for the memories it had of me hiding in there over the past year. Crying, curled up in the fetal position and asking ‘why me’.  The mirror showing me the image of a broken young girl and to the guests it showed them nothing short of flawless

I looked like the perfect wife/daughter/ daughter in law. So put together, smiling and mingling with everyone.  Laughing and eating with both sides of the families, kissing the young ones and engaging the older ones.  In general I looked very happy.

He also looked like the perfect husband, grinning from ear to ear, accepting the teasing remarks from his family and friends about his beautiful wife, making small talk with me here and there.

Then there were the in laws who were putting on an amazing show for the guests. They were mostly accepting of the compliments others were giving them about their fantastic daughter in law.  “She cooks so well, how respectful she is of her elders, she is beautiful, she has the perfect Indian nose (yes it’s a thing in our culture), she is polite to all age groups, her hair is amazing, we want a daughter in law just like her, does she have any sisters, your family is very lucky to have such a girl etc.”  The compliments flowed all night like champagne does on New Year’s Eve.  My father in law not once faltered on the image of happy family, but my mother in law did make a few snide comments.  She couldn’t help but be jealous of all the positive attention I was getting.  She made a couple of comments, one I will never forget and she has used too many times for me to forget.

“Sometimes people shine from the outside but inside they are nothing but coal.  Don’t look at her from the outside, she is very different when you live with her, trust me I know, she is not anything special.  A person doesn’t really know a person until you live together and I live with her, she’s not that good.”

When it was time to cut the cake, I once again, couldn’t help but be excited! I have a hard time being mad and angry and plus I loved cake!  I let things slide and that is/was part of the problem, Raj took advantage of that to be with his girlfriend.

What people were seeing was a couple who were so happy to be together, they were both beaming!  They saw a loving family gathered as one with their family and friends to celebrate the past and many more years to come.  They saw a young woman who had fit perfectly into this family through an arranged marriage and was thriving.  They saw proud parents who were the envy of others in the room.  They saw a complete lie, because that’s what they wanted to see.  Most of the people there did know about Raj’s girlfriend but not a single person let on they knew about her.  It was easier to go along with the lie rather than tell the truth and stand up for injustice against women, not everyone has it in them to blow the whistle.

That evening nothing really went wrong, we put on a fantastic show for everyone. I hadn’t forgotten what hadn’t worked out over the last year, I had chosen to enjoy the evening and just be happy.  I hadn’t been happy enough throughout the year and I deserved this night.  The past year had been a shit show and I was looking forward to a much better year than the last.  This next year I was going to get rid of his girlfriend, stop him and his family from abusing me and focus on working to gain my life back.

Year 1 complete, how many more to go before I’m free????

Venya♥

 

There she was…

I was looking forward to being a spy/snoop but hadn’t thought about the hurt I was about to face.

Starting out with his phone, I started going through it when he was in the shower, in the middle of the night, he was outside, basically any chance I got I took it.  I came across lots of messages: “call me back” “miss you” ”can’t wait to see you” ‘thank you for an awesome night” “what are you doing” . Every time I would read a message my stomach would churn.  I would at times get physically ill and cry.  Sometimes I would listen in a hear her voice messages again a lot of “I love you” “where are you” “that was awesome” “waiting for you” “do you want me to grab food”.

The voice messages were much harder to listen to than reading the messages.   There was something about hearing her voice that made it hurt more, maybe it gave my “story” life?

I also hacked into his email and didn’t find much. The heavy content was all via phone.  I was more curious than ever about her!  She seemed so loving on the messages.  This was a real girl and I craved knowing more about her (sick I know).

I was so confused with myself. This woman was the root of my hurt yet I was so mesmerized with her. Sounds crazy but I couldn’t get enough of her.  I wanted to know everything about her and him as a couple and about her as a woman.  I kept digging and day in and day out I would listen to their back and forth.

I never let on to Raj that I was listening in or reading their messages.  I knew if I confronted him, he would stop them and I would lose any sort of information I had on their whereabouts.  I kept quietly hurting, all by myself.

The pain I felt of betrayal made me want to know more about her. Who is she really and what was she all about?  I had figured out what her job was through the messages, all I had to do was do more research and find her.  My new focus became, tracking her down in person.  I had listened and read enough messages, I had  questions now.

I wanted to ask her why she was continuing a relationship with him. I wanted to ask her all sorts of questions.  I just wanted to know her.   Why?  I’m not sure.  Most of all I wanted to know why she would do this to another woman.

So I dug and dug and eventually I found her. I was able to figure out where she worked and what time.  Hatching a plan with my sister I decided to show up at her workplace.  I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say to her or how to even approach her but I knew I had to do it for my sanity.

The very next day, I hopped into my sister’s car and before I knew it I was outside of where she worked.  She didn’t notice me standing there staring at her.  My sister had to pull me aside and told me stop being so creepy.

She was pretty, not a huge build, short and petite.  Curly hair and seemed very mature.  All in all she looked like an average women.  I hadn’t really examined her like this the day of the lunch, at that time I didn’t know what to look for!  This time I was looking for the love of my husbands life within her.  I stood there for awhile and took her in with my eyes.  We were opposite in looks, she seemed friendly (so was I), energetic (so was I), smart (so was I).  What did she have that I didn’t?  The only way to find out was to go and talk to her.

Nervously, I walked up to her and asked her, ” Are you Jas?”

She looked at me intently, “Yes I am, are you Raj’s wife?”

“Yes I am and I think we need to talk.”

“Okay, can you come back in half hour, I’ll take my lunch and we can talk.”

“Sounds good, see you in half hour.”  I couldn’t believe it!  I had found her and I was actually going to get a chance to ask her questions that were bothering me.  I’m surprised that the feeling of wanting to rip her hair out didn’t come alive while standing in front of her.

The half hour wait was very nerve wracking.  I was trying to cue up all my questions so I could maximize my time with her.  I was 20 and was going to take on my husbands girlfriend who was 9-10 years my senior!!!  (Bring out the jello, bikinis and swimming pool)  This was going to be interesting…

-Venya♥

The night of the silk turquoise negligée

I picked the prettiest silk turquoise negligée, put it on and entered the bedroom. I stood in the doorway just for a minute to see if I could capture his attention without saying word.  It didn’t work.  How could it not have worked?  I was freshly showered with coconut lotion all over my caramel skinned body, a scent strong enough to catch anyone’s attention.  My strong long legs were smooth as a baby’s bottom, with my hair tousled over my shoulders.  The lip glossed tasted like passion fruit paired perfectly with smoky eyes, which could resist?  The negligée formed to my body perfectly, outlining every single curve.   I could feel my nipples rubbing against the silk; I was aroused by the sensations. I wasn’t getting the welcome I thought I would get so I brought attention to me.

“Um, excuse me. Could you listen to what I have to say?”  He looked up and didn’t say a single word.  His eyes did all the talking, I saw him devouring my body with his eyes, perfect!  I turned around slowly and closed the door behind me letting him get a look at my back side.  I wanted him to take in the curves of my perfectly shaped ass and salivate just thinking about grabbing me around the waist from behind.  With my back still turned to him I looked down at the ground, exposing the nape of my neck.  I knew he loved seeing me exposed yet covered with next to nothing on my body.  “Are you just going to stand there with your back to me or you going to come to me?” I could hear the excitement in his voice.  “Your choice, you could either come to me or I can join you on the bed?”

Without answering me, he gets out of bed and presses up against me. He starts to kiss the back of my neck while holding on to my bare shoulders. I can feel the pressure building up from him on my back side.  I was already feeling very sexy and now I was starting to get ready for him between my legs.   His kisses started to trail down my body from behind with his hands parallel to his mouth.   He stops and pays extra attention to my lower back; he knows I’m super sensitive there.  I start to squirm in pleasure under his strong willing hands, waiting him to move on to the next part of me.  He grabs me by the hips and outlines my curves with roaming his hands.  Through my negligée he’s gently biting my back side while his hands have slipped under it, it’s driving me wild.   Throwing my head back, I hug the wall while feeling him pull my negligée up around my hips.  He starts to ravage my back side with his mouth, his mouth, tongue and gentle teeth are driving my senses in to over drive.  Standing on his knees he buries his face into my area, as though he couldn’t get deep enough he bend me over.  I love it when he devours me like a hungry animal!  My backside is no longer sufficient for him; he flips me over, still standing up against the wall.  Throwing one of my legs over his shoulder he goes down and eats me like he hasn’t had a meal in days.  His intensity for my pussy makes me want it even more.  Loosing myself in the sensation between my legs I moan and groan as he hits every nerve perfectly.  My head rested against the wall, arched back and his head in place with my hand, not wanting him to move an inch.

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I touch myself how I would want him to touch me, feeling my nipples under my hand. At this point I wish there were 2 men servicing my every need.  One man to be attentive to my hot wet pussy, the other kissing me wildly while I hang on to him as he touches me in all the right places, the 2 driving me to insanity. For now I will take this and enjoy it to its full potential, thoughts of a threesome continue in my head making me crazy for love.  Before I know what’s happening, I comes so hard, it exhaust me, my pussy throbbing with ecstasy at its lips.  He looks up at me, I can see my leftovers on his face, and I pull him up to me.  My musky scent is all over his face; I breathe it in and devour his lips laced with me.  My own scent is getting me aroused again, so much so I push him onto the bed and straddle him.  Through my turquoise negligée he feels my breasts, he sits up and playfully bites them through the silk.  I want more, I take it off and let him touch, bite and suck me as he pleases enjoying every touch.  He grabs my hair, pulls my head back biting my neck and breasts.  At the same time he’s slipped himself into me, I gently rock on top of him trying to get the most pleasure I can from this man.  He continues to kiss my passionately all over while I grind on top of him, I can feel myself coming again.  Already?!?!  His manhood was about to erupt as well, I could feel his hurried thrusts and the pulses within me got stronger.  He let out a sigh and before you knew it we were both done.  I stayed on top of him, intertwined, my legs around his back as he sat up, head on his shoulders with my arms wrapped around his neck.  We leaned into each other for support and I gently rocked on top as was still feeling the aftermath of the sex.  What a feeling to feel so wanted by a man and for him to devour every piece of me!  Out of this world!  Kissing with warmth and love we untangled ourselves from our sweaty bodies to underneath the sheets. I guess we both got what we wanted, thank you turquoise negligée!

Now back to reality, I got dressed in the silk turquoise negligée and slipped into bed beside him. This was a big risk, after all he wasn’t really mine, although I did have a piece of paper indicating he was my husband.  I tried to get his attention; he wouldn’t even really look at me.  I persistently but playfully tried to get him to interact with me.  He was too busy with his magazine and phone; there was no room for me.  My playfulness turned into hurt feelings.  My head was going crazy, was I really that ugly and unattractive?  If so then how come everywhere I went I got compliments?  If so, how come I had a mile long wedding proposals?  If so, they why had I always heard that I was the prettiest in the family?  If so why did people look and me and say I had all the right looks???  What was wrong with me?!?!?  I started to ask him what’s wrong with me, he said nothing. I sat up in bed and asked why he was ignoring me, his response was nothing.  I kept asking why he was doing this to me, I was too young at 20 to have this sort of treatment in the bedroom.

He looked at me square in the eyes and slapped me right across the face.

 

-Venya♥

First hit, the abusive kind…

That first slap across the face opened the door to many many more. Looking back, my biggest mistake was not calling the police the moment it occurred.  I should have screamed as loud as I could, hit him back, yelled for help and created such a scene that he would have been afraid to look at me again, but I didn’t. I was in disbelief that a man would hit a woman like that.  I grew up in a home where the husband never touched the woman in a negative manner.  I remember my parents hugging, my mom playing with my dad’s hair, my dad teasingly pinching my mom.  I had never witnessed, or knew anything about domestic abuse in a marriage.  My siblings and I were punished with slaps, Punjabi chittars, wooden spoons, etc,  but there had never been any sort of physical violence that I had ever seen in my house.  I don’t even remember my parents fighting until I got married.  My parents had talked about other families where domestic abuse was an issue, it wasn’t an issue in ours.  We grew up on “getting the beats” from our parents which I feel shaped us kids into good respectful adults who have respect for our elders.  Thanks mom and dad for beating us onto the right path???  I’m not against spanking as a parent depending in the circumstances (kid’s age, what they did).  But, I can never be FOR hitting another grown adult.  Nothing warrants a man hitting a woman or a woman hitting a man.

I think because I hadn’t been a part of such an ugly household I didn’t know how to react to the slap other than cry. I didn’t tell anyone about it, I kept quiet but I thought about it all the time.  Had a done something so bad that he had to hit me?  He was the one out with his girlfriend and I was being punished physically for asking about his whereabouts?  I was at home with his family cooking, cleaning, entertaining and he was okay slapping me because I wanted to know where my husband was?   Who was I to tell?  I couldn’t tell anyone,  I was so ashamed that I had been slapped by my HUSBAND.  Growing up in a western country I had never thought that I would be a statistic for domestic abuse one day and here I am, a stat.  What would my friends and family think of me?  I was supposed to be the successful one out of the bunch with the perfect life!  Where were the dreams of happiness that everyone had seen for me and made me believe?  I was only 20 years trying to figure out my place in the house, but more importantly in his heart and life they answered in the form of abuse.  I learned there was no space for me in their house or hearts.  My dreams shattered that night.

I continued on the next day as if nothing happened. Made no mention of the slap to his parents or mine, in fact I told no one.  I was so lonely and confused inside, all I could do is cry.  I called my mom and told her how much I missed her and my life before marriage.  She consoled me, letting me know marriage was a period of adjustment, it was going to take time but one day I will be so busy with life I won’t have time to cry.   I then called my sister, told her I was feeling sad and lonely and asked her to visit me.  She did come over within a few hours.  I remember us talking about living with strangers and having a husband who is actually someone else’s boyfriend.  We talked, she listened and I cried.  This was my best friend, I didn’t even tell her what had happened, and maybe a part of me believed that was the only time it was going to happen.  Her and I had plotted together our whole life, had secrets, successes and I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her.  I trusted her the most, at this moment I didn’t trust my own feelings.  I felt so violated and humiliated because of that one slap.

 

In the few months of marriage I had started to resent being born altogether. Many lonely evening/nights I would talk out loud to myself.  Why did I have to be born as a girl into a home where boys were preferred? Why did I have to struggle being a girl.  I knew I outshone my brother in everything but daily I was reminded that I was just a girl.  God, why was I such a strong girl if you only wanted me to have an insecurity being a girl?  I went from one type of struggle to another, all because I was a female??? I was then married into a family where being a daughter in law or wife meant you didn’t belong in the family.  It meant you were there to be used and abused.  I hated my gender and on top of it, being an INDIAN girl made it worse.  I tried so hard at everything in life!  I excelled in school, was a good kid, awesome role model for the young ones, loved my family, smiled all time, understood people, did what was right (almost always) and domesticated but why was I continually punished being a girl?  What had I done so bad in my 20 years that I was thrown into this marriage?  To this day I’m not sure why it’s been like this for me but it has given me the strength not to let this happen to my daughter or any other girl if I can help it.

-Venya♥

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry – Venyas Rose

I Think Of You In Silence
I Often Speak Your Name
All I Have Left Are Memories
And A Heart Around Your Name
My Heart Aches With Sadness
And All My Tears Will Flow
But What It Meant To Lose You
No-one Will Ever Know

I Can Get A Girl Who
Love Me More Than
You …
But You Will Never Get A
Guy Who Love You More Than Me

To Die In Luv For Someone
Is Not The Big Thing..
To Live With That Pain With
Smile Forever…
Is The Great Real Achievement..!

Heart Is The Greatest Cheater
In This World..
Because
It Makes Thousand Of Different
Excuses To Stay In Touch With
The Person You Love…

Venyas Rose

Strike 1

I can still feel the sting of the first time he slapped me across the face. That slap was the beginning of the physical abuse that would take over my life.  Raj and I fought day in and day out.  He would disappear for hours and days and I would confront him about his whereabouts.  I could always tell that he was so frustrated with me but didn’t know what to do.  I’m sure he was caught in a dilemma himself.  He loved another woman, but his parents didn’t approve of her, so he married the girl that his parents approved of but he didn’t love her.  His did what was right in society and for his parents but he wronged me and his girlfriend.

In her defence, I’m sure she was shattered by all of this too. She invested many days, months, and years into a man who ultimately did what his parents wanted him to do.  He chose his parents happiness over hers.  I know that Raj had become a part of her family as well; she must have had some explaining to do about the situation with me in the mix!  Every girl dreams about the perfect man who will treat her as if she is the best thing on Earth, she too, was let down by him.  He probably let her imagine a wedding, life, family and happiness as a couple.  She like me, must’ve had dreams and hopes that he took away from her.  It was an injustice to her as well as to me.

His mom became very rude towards me as the days passed. She became very territorial of her house and her boys.  Nonetheless, I was very uncomfortable there when it was just her and I alone.  She would start to pick on my body, hair, face, smarts, housekeeping skills or whatever it was she wanted to do that day.  I would go to my room and just cry and ask the universe, what did I ever do to deserve this treatment?  Her whole demeanor towards me was full of hate and I am a soft hearted person, I couldn’t handle the hate that I saw no reason for.  I would talk to myself and wait for Dad, Sunny or Raj to come home to divert her attention.  I thought I was going to go insane with this woman all the time.  I was already unhappy about being with her all day and then on top of it, I was always thinking about Raj and his girlfriend.  What were they doing?  Where were they?  Are they fucking right now?  Is she cooking for him?  Why did he marry me???  I wanted to run away, but where would I go with no money at the age of 20?  I had lived a very sheltered life and was very naïve and gullible, thanks for the non-life skills mom and dad!  I would tell my mom and she would console me by saying he will accept you soon, just don’t give up.  My dad wouldn’t say much except, “Your kismet was written when you were born, nothing I can do.  My hands are tied, God has chosen this path for you.”  UMM I know!  How about you let me back home DAD!?!?!

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My parents “gave me space” to let me “adjust” to my new life and I resented them for that. In fact, they told my sister to stay away as well because she was not helping the situation by being supportive to me.  She would come over at times and “rescue” me for the evening.  I loved those evenings with her, it was safe and secure with her.  It was like my parents had just given me up to these strangers and said, “Please have your way with our daughter and we will never stop you from treating her badly.  You own her now; we relinquish all rights on her.” I felt so alone and scared without my parents by my side amongst this family of terror.

My father in law and Sunny (his brother) continued to be nice to me. Once in a while when my mother in law was ripping into me for something or another he would say to her, “That’s enough, stop harassing her, she’s just a child.”  That was always met with hostility, swearing and a backlash from his wife.  At times when she was putting me down, he would just go to his room and say nothing.  With my eyes I would beg him to at least stay there but he never stayed, it was too much for him to listen and too hard for him to stop her.  He did defend me in regards to the housework to her.  “She does as much as you ask, the house is clean, dinner was good, she is trying let her be.  She is the daughter of my friend and I had made promise to him that I need to keep.  I don’t want to be the cause of her tears how will I face her dad, my friend?  She hasn’t done anything wrong to be yelled at like that.  Why are you treating her like this.”  Eventually he would give up and let her attack me verbally.

Sometime after our 3 month mark of being married, due to me persistently questioning, he couldn’t handle the pressure so he slapped me right across the face. I couldn’t believe it!  At this very moment I can feel the burn on my cheek.  That was the first time he hit me, that was the first time I gave him permission to abuse me beyond belief.  I remember sobbing and holding my cheek and sliding down the wall just crumbling to the floor.  Why would he hit me???  So many thoughts were in my head, did he hit her too or was it just me?   For our 1 month anniversary he had taken me out to a 5 star restaurant, I thought that we were at least friends!!!  For our second month anniversary he had surprised me with earrings and now he slapped me!  20 years old, in a marriage that I had refused, treated badly by her mother in law and now he hit me?!?!?  For fucks sake what had I done so terrible in my 20 years of existence that I deserved this treatment by him or his family.  Was there seriously something I was lacking?  At some point I got myself off the floor and went to bed silently to fall asleep.  I was sleeping with the enemy and I told no one about it.

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Venya♥

Hope

Every morning was a new day of hope for me. Can I get him to love me?  What can I do to make him stay loyal to me and this marriage?  How can I win the love and affection of his family?  I was a born an optimist, I think my outlook has literally saved my life.  I would fall asleep crying, sad and upset thinking about this life I was living.  I had had high hopes for myself.  I wanted to go to university but my dad hadn’t allowed me to go because, “girls didn’t need to go to school.”  Raj’s parents had promised I could go to school but had taken their promise back.  Growing up I was the kid that would become something.  My cousins had big plans to come visit me in my mansion and I was going to pay for family reunions when the time came.  The family thought I would one day become a lawyer, doctor or some professional.  I was the kid that all the parents wanted and yelled at their kids to be like me.  I was academically smart, was respectful of my family, domesticated, loved cooking and entertaining, spend time with my parents, worked at the age of 15, athletic (my dad hated that part of me) and made time for the gurdwara.  I was a very well rounded child who had it all.  My parents used to brag about me to others about how “good” their oldest daughter was.  What happened to the life that I had envisioned for myself? I was supposed to make those who knew me proud to be a part of my life!  When I received my scholarship from school, I had been hopeful that my dad would allow me to go to university.

I would daydream about becoming “someone”, it never happened. My dad dreamt about my marriage and passing off the burden (me) to someone else.  After I turned into a full bodied 18 year old my existence made my dad nervous.  I was on lockdown most of the time, people had bad intentions he would tell me.  I would still rebel and leave the house, upon my return I was almost always was met with hostility.  His biggest fear was I would get pregnant or run away with someone I wasn’t supposed to.  He focused on the negative instead of encouraging me to be safe and teach me to make good decisions.  It was a very strict household, and I couldn’t understand why all these restrictions were put on me and my sister.  I wanted to hang out with my friends, go to movies, have sleepovers and just play outside.  Most of these activities were a battle in our house.  I felt like I did everything right and they still couldn’t let me be me.  Straight “A” student her whole life, athletic, high family values, clean heart and loved people in general – what more did they want from me???

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In the fetal position I would often think, what I did I do that was so wrong that my parents picked this life/family for me. I was such a sweet, loving kid who had it all and was full of life (maybe I had too much life for my parents to handle).  Why did they abandon me like this?  What could I have done better so they didn’t have to get rid of me?  Raj would at times pay attention to me and at times would ignore me completely.  Some days were good and some days were bad.  I constantly tried to win his affection but nothing seemed to work.  His mom was somewhat kind to me but that was ever changing depending on her mood.  His Dad was really happy to have me, as was his brother.  I got along with them really well.  For them, at that time, I was the daughter/sister they always wanted and finally had.

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His brother was kind towards me, I really felt like he was my biological brother. We would go out together, watch TV together and in general just hang out.   He looked to me for advice, guidance and money until the day he got married.  I loved that kid, he enlightened me about his family and told me things that I needed to know in regards to his brother.  Dad was infatuated with me!  He loved that I could hang out with him, I would joke with him, play with his hair, clip his nails, feed him and in general I cared for him in everyone I knew how.  I treated him, like I treated my own Dad.  My dad had told me this guy was super great and treat him as you treat me and you will be fine.  Often he would give me and  Sunny (Raj’s brother) money and tell us to go get ice cream or something to eat.  Sunny and I are the same age; we had a lot in common which worked out for me.  Sunny would tell me about his girlfriend and get clothing advice.  I was the big sister.  I would cook for him, did his laundry (I did all the laundry for the ENTIRE household), sing to him, help him with homework, fight with him and anything else that siblings did, we did.  Dad would brag to his friends about me, the greatest daughter in law in the world.  He would get many compliments about me and he accepted them with pride.  My mother in law always made ugly faces when someone complimented me.  She would get angry at me and the person saying the nice things.  Her go to line became, “On the outside everyone seems like a good person, when you live with them, they are not so good.  When you live with her you will know she is not that great, why is everyone always fussing over her. ” She was becoming very jealous of all the attention their family was giving me, day by day she become her true demon self.

His whole family, (mother excluded) was falling in love with me; I had won almost everyone over in a matter of months! I didn’t do anything except be myself.  I was excited about life, I had so much love to offer with a good clean heart paired with hugs and kisses – what was not to be loved.  When anyone came to the house, I served them chai and food with a smile on my face and true happiness in my heart.  I knew I did all the right things for his family.  How come he still didn’t want me?  Why was he staying out all hours of the night?  How come he only talked to me when he was bored?  I was doing everything right but something was still so wrong!  I was determined to make him want me and love me as his wife.  I loved his family as I loved my own, every bit of me was true, not a malicious bone in my body to this day.  I took over all the cooking and cleaning from his mom in hopes of proving myself to her.  I would prep dinner for him in hopes of seeing him grateful for my existence.  I gave and gave (still giving!) and got shit in return.

The day all the nastiness began was about 3 months into my marriage. I was dressed to attend a wedding reception with him and his family and was feeling pretty good.  I was in the room with my mom and mother in law (mil) when my mil made a remark about a perfect daughter in law.  She had said she knew this girl who would be the perfect daughter in law.  This girl was respectful, domesticated and beautiful to bad Raj didn’t marry her.  She went on to say how perfect she was in every way.  I couldn’t believe my ears!  Too bad Raj didn’t marry her?!?!?  What was I??  How dare she say that too my mom and me!  Needless to say I was in disbelief and hurt.  When I ran into Raj he asked me what had happened, I said nothing and walked away.  I few days later he asked me again what had happened that day, I hadn’t spoken to him in days.  I told him what his mom had said to me and my mom, it erupted into an argument between us.  I asked him:  why did your parents beg for my hand in marriage if she was so perfect, why didn’t you marry your girlfriend, why was your mom so mean to me etc.  He apologized and actually looked like he meant it.

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A few weeks later his mom confronted me about why I had to go tell on her to Raj. She accused me trying to turn her son against her, tearing up the family, what I was hoping by getting them to fight, why I was such a malicious girl, is this what my parents had taught me?  She went on and on about how I was destroying her family.  Just for the record, the brothers don’t speak (been going on for years before my time), mom and dad fought all the time (slept in separate rooms way before I got there), dad wasn’t allowed to breathe without her permission, he was her property.  She was against dad in whatever he said or did; she was rude and disrespectful towards him ALL THE TIME.  Raj and her had an explosive relationship (this started waaay before my time.)  Their family was already a mess and I was getting blamed for all of the wrong. From that day forward everything that was negative was my fault.  When she confronted me all I did was cry and defend myself quietly, it was only 3 months into my marriage.  Raj came around the corner unexpectedly and ripped into his mom defending me.  It became a huge fight!  Words were going back and forth and I was being blamed for every second of it by his mom.  He stood his ground for me, this gave me hope and strength to move forward in my marriage.  Was it really going to be alright?  Maybe there was a place in his heart for me!  That was the first day of many battles he fought for me against his mom.

Venya♥