In between the food and the visitors I’ve been distracted of the ceremony that is about to take place. My visitors consists of old friends, relatives and my bridesmaids. Everyone wants a picture with the bride, how could a girl not feel so loved and special! I felt so blessed to have so many people in my life who wanted to be a part of my life and in the same breath, was I really that blessed? No one was willing to stand up for me and say this wedding is not right. In a whirlwind of camera flashes, food and smiles I was totally swept away by the idea of my big fat Indian wedding, even I had forgotten to be sad.
With a knock on the door, my parents ask me to come out as it’s time to make my grand entrance as the bride of the day. I look at my bridesmaids, they look so nice! I take one look in the mirror, I don’t look half bad either. There are butterflies in my stomach and I don’t know whether to smile or burst out in tears. I had been looking forward to my wedding since I was a little girl and it was now here. I had never imagined my wedding circumstances would be so twisted and ugly. Life doesn’t go exactly how we plan it.
With my brother and dad by my side, I’m standing in the entrance of the gurdwara hall ready to make my grand entrance. I span the crowd quickly before lowering my eyes. The gurdwara was completely full! I can feel the peoples eyes on me as I walk towards the granth sahib to take my place beside Raj. On my walk down, I thought about turning around and leaving the temple as they do in Bollywood movies. Only problem was I didn’t have a destination and would have to come right back. I continued my slow and tortured walk. At the granth sahib I bowed before it and quickly ask the higher being to help me in this journey, I know this is wrong and why did you chose him for me? I take my place beside the man who was chosen for me by my parents.
Once I am settled beside him and everyone has returned to their places, he says hello to me under his breath. The ceremony begins and there is nothing but sadness that has come over me. Looking back I do remember smiling but I can’t remember why. What I do remember is every time we stood up to walk around the granth sahib, I was sadder and sadder. By the time all 4 lavan were completed, I was so sad I couldn’t even hold my head up. (tears are welling in my eyes writing this). Then the stage is taken by a priest and starts his teachings about married life. Me, I become unravelled sitting there. My tears won’t stop and the snot has run free, worst part is I didn’t have any tissues! Someone from behind hands me tissues. My aunties come up behind me and whisper in my ears to stop crying, my makeup is ruined. MY MAKEUP IS RUINED???? HOW ABOUT MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY RUINED??? I can’t stop the tears, they turn into uncontrollable sobbing. I do remember wanting to go into fetal position and just to cry my heart out. Instead I sit there cross legged beside the asshole and cry my heart out. I know he is super uncomfortable, in his heart he probably knows why I’m crying like a baby but wouldn’t acknowledge it. I must’ve cried for an hour solid until I had no tears left. Before I knew it, people were walking up to us and congratulating us from behind, I have no memory of it. I remember sitting there numb to the world. People were saying they had never seen a bride cry like before, how sweet and touching, if they only knew why I was crying so much.
After another hour of leg cramping sitting, my aunt helps me up to the lunch reception. My other aunties are ready with makeup in hand to make me look fresh again. My parents haven’t talked to me but I see them. I can tell both my parents have been crying too. My mom is happy but sad, I know this because I’ve loved her since I was born. When I see them, anger and hurt are rolling around in my heart again, but the only thing that seems to surface are tears. Why in the world would they abandon me like this? Give away their star child to a lying, manipulative asshole, that comes from a family with no conscious? Growing up my dad always told me I was his favourite child, I had everything a parent could ask for minus my strong opinions and voice. So why would you throw me out like a piece of garbage. Mom! Why couldn’t you stand up to my dad with me? Why would you raise, nurture and love me for 19 year only to discard me as if you had no choice?
While I was lost in thought, his aunt takes my arm and guides me to the table where him and I are supposed to be sharing a lunch out of one place setting. I haven’t really looked at him all day, I now take a look, he’s sitting there waiting for me to eat. He’s actually good looking, he has a very polished successful look to him sitting there in his Gucci suit and tie. From a distance any girl would count themselves lucky to be seated beside him as his wife. He didn’t look like a liar. He didn’t look like he would be abusive. He didn’t look like he was full of jealousy and hate. He didn’t look like he would be mean. He didn’t look like he treated women like trash. He didn’t look like he would be the cheating type. But what did a lying, cheating, abusive, manipulative man look like?
I sit down and return his hello. He asks me how I am, I reply, fine. He stated he wasn’t really hungry while he was eating, I ate a couple of bites at the command of the videographer and left it at that. While we are eating the cameras are rolling and the flashes continue. I say nothing but occasionally flash a smile for the pictures, it is my day after all. Why did I play along with this nonsense?!?!? I’m so angry at myself for going through with the ceremony and realize there is no where to go, I’m officially a part of his family. His relatives have taken seats for lunch all around us. My family and friends are at different tables all together. I look around at all the strange new faces, my new family, and my heart sinks.
I’m all alone as of right now and forever, the tears start again. I’m officially a married woman to the man of my nightmares.
– Venya ♥